Harry Potter and the One Shots
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: Harry Potter and friends set out on epic and completely unrelated journeys together. This week, Harry and friends discuss critical reception of 'The Casual Vacancy.'
1. Chapter 1

"Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry-"

"Shut the fuck up!" Harry screamed, sitting up in his bed with an incredible expression of fury on his face. "My Rowling, you all sound so fucking annoying."

"Sorry Harry." Dean said. "But we just want to see your scar…"

"Fuck that. I'm going to breakfast. Don't you guys go following me." With that, Harry flew across the room and down the stairs.

Harry found Ron sitting in his favorite chair by the fire. "Yo, Ronnie! Wassup?"

"Hey, Harry. Did the others annoy you?"

"Duh. Didn't you hear me screaming at them?"

The two friends walked towards the portrait hole, chatting aimlessly.

"So what's first lesson?"

"Potions." Ron answered.

"Fuck. I hate Snape."

"Dude, you've never even talked to that guy."

"Yeah, well, he was looking at me funny at dinner, and then my scar started hurting."

"Right. Just… Right."

The two started down the Grand stairway, and started on a much more interesting subject.

"Yeah, so the girls here… know any?" Harry asked casually.

"Besides Granger, no. They're all too busy going 'Oh my god! Harry Potter! Marry me!"

"Hmmm… Granger." Harry said thoughtfully, as he and Ron descended onto the ground floor. "She's not that hot, and she's kind of a bitch… so…"

Harry thrust his fist forward, and slowly rotated his hand so his thumb pointed down.

"Rejected!"

"Do you… have to do that?" Ron asked tentavively. "I mean, it's kinda weird and-"

"Shut up Ronnie. It's my signature move. Don't you forget it."

"Right." Ron sighed as they entered the Great Hall. "Breakfast looks good."

"It does." Harry agreed, "I love breakfast it's so-"

"Oh Harry!"

"Son of a bitch!" Harry swore, turning around on the spot. "Ron! I'm going to go hide!" With that, the Boy who lived turned and ran back outside the great Hall.

Ron sighed, and turned to face the Queen of all Fangirls.

"Oh. Hello Child." The girl said. "Pardon me, but I'm looking for a man. Have you seen Harry James Potter anywhere?"

"Child?" Ron said incredously. "Dude, I'm like… Eleven. Like you."

"Don't you dare compare yourself to me!" The Girl said angrily. "I, the most beautiful, the most perfect, Vampire princess-"

"Yeah yeah, I've heard this a bazillion times. " Ron said dismissively. "Fucking Unoriginal American." He added under his breath.

"Unoriginal? Oh you poor fool." The girl said, shaking her head. "Look at me! I am Isabella Katsa Mary Dementia Sue Eragon Meyer Von Cullen!"

"Sure." Ron said, nodding. "Right. Well, to be blunt, your name seems to be a compilation of Mary Sue's all across the board of fiction, throwing in a Hack author, a fictional vampire, and some emo bitch that kept calling Harry 'Vampir' for some reason… I can't take you seriously."

"Oh yeah?" Isabella Katsa Mary Dementia Sue Eragon Meyer Von Cullen said, puffing out her breasts for some reason. "Well, good thing I have a man! Eddie! Come here!" The Sue snapped her fingers, and her sex slave- err… boyfriend, appeared out of thin air.

"Oh my Rowling!" Ron gasped. "Cedric?"

"Must protect… Bella." The boy who looked like Cedric muttered. He stretched his arms out and began to walk towards Ron like a zombie.

"Ah, shit!" Ron screamed, as he took Harry's example and ran like mad.

Ron didn't head back towards Gryfindor Tower: Instead, he went to the dungeons. A part of him hoped that the zombie Cedric would attack the Slytherins.

"Out of my way!" Ron snapped at some Slytherin boys, who were about half a foot shorter than Hagrid.

"Oh, no you didn't you little bitch. Get over here!" One of the boys pulled out his wand, and sent a spear of sorts to Ron. The Spear Impaled him right in the back, and Ron could see blood. The boy yanked on his wand and Ron zoomed back over to the boys.

"I don't really have time for this, bitches." Ron said coldly, pulling out his wand. (The spear, mysteriously disappearing. There wasn't even a wound.) "So if we could just make this quick…"

Before the four could duel, Zombie Cedric came through the door, followed by Isabella.

"Alright, hurry up Eddie. I need to go find Harry and literally fuck him up, but it's not as much fun without you!"

"Urk!" Zombie Cedric grunted, walking faster towards Ron and the Slytherins.

"Shit. Fight's over. See you later!" Ron sprinted down the hallway, and ran into the first open door he saw.

"Weasley, is it? You're late." A voice said. Ron looked over and saw Professor Snape.

"Huh? This is Potions? Really?" Ron had forgotten all about it.

"50 points from Gryfindor Weasley. Now sit."

"Saved you a seat." Harry said as Ron sat down. "What happened?"

"Let's see." Ron said, screwing up his face in concentration. "I got into a fight with the bitch, got chased by her Sex-Slave, ran into some Slytherin's, and just got in trouble with our professor. Where were you the whole time, eh?"

"I'm sorry Ron. I-"

"Weasley, as hiliarious as your satiric escapades are, I must ask you to pay attention. Another fifty points from Gryffindor."

"What? Son of a bitch!" Ron screamed, kicking the table leg in frustration.

"That wasn't fair! It's our first lesson!" Harry snapped at Snape.

"Fifty more points from Gryffindor." Snape said, smiling slightly. "My, my, you boys are on a roll!"

Ron looked like he was about to retort, but Harry kicked him from under the table.

"Leave it to me." He whispered.

Suddenly, the door to the classroom burst open, and Eddie came through, moaning. Isabella followed, now chatting aimlessly to Eddie.

"I mean, that stupid bitch! Who gives a shit about Team Edward and Team Jacob? I mean, we all know that Team Everyone That Has a Huge Cock is the way to go-" Isabella stopped her teenage slutty monologue then, for she noticed Ron.

"Shit." Ron muttered.

"There he is, Eddie! Destroy him!"

"Stop!" Snape thundered. "What are your doing in my classroom?"

Bella glared at Snape.

"Oh, please." She said dismissively. "You're that bitch that everyone on fanfiction . net thinks is sooooo fucking hot. I mean, seriously. Your hair is all greasy, and-"

"People think Snape is Hot? Seriously?" Ron asked Harry.

"Hey. These people are delusional. I mean, I've heard Snape couldn't even get a date in school. He almost got with this Muggle-born girl, but then called her a mudblood."

"Seriously?" Ron said, his mouth twitching. He then fell on the floor and began rolling around with laughter.

"Yeah, I know! What an idiot! Maybe if he washed his hair, he'd be able to- to- Oh shit."

"Potter." Snape said calmly. "Come to the front."

Harry wordlessly got up, and walked past the unconscious Isabella and Eddie, who seemed to have been in the worst of a fight.

"I have had enough disobedience in this classroom for one day." Snape said, his eyes flickering to all the corners of the room, terrifying all that fell within his gaze. "And so, I will make an example of Harry Potter, our new… Celebrity." Snape waved his wand, and a vial of potion flew out of the cabinet. "I've been waiting all week for this…" Snape muttered. "Potter! Drink all of this!" He thrust the vial into Harry's hands.

Harry stared at the potion with a look of hesitation on his face. The potion seemed to be split in half: One side was blue. The other was Pink.

"Drink Potter!" Snape commanded.

"What is this supposed to do, exactly?" Harry asked Snape.

"It's going to teach you what happens when you cross my path!" Snape snapped. "Now drink!"

Harry shrugged, and downed the potion in one gulp. He smiled at Snape, and then walked back towards his seat. Halfway there, He fell down on his knees and started gasping.

"Harry!" Ron screamed.

"This is perfectly normal." Snape said emotionlessly, as Harry keeled over on the ground and began twitching randomly. "Move, Weasley, and it'll be a hundred points from Gryffindor, a detention, and the potion."

Ron watched helplessly as Harry began to transform before his eyes. Harry's hair began to turn a fiery red, and Ron could see Harry's body adjusting it's features.

It took thirty seconds. When Harry sat up again, Ron's jaw dropped.

"You son of a bitch!" Ron screamed furiously at Snape. "You turned him into a chick!"

Snape smiled as he started at Harry. "Yes, I suppose I did."

"Urgh…" Fem-Harry said as she tried to get her bearings. "What happened?"

…

"Son of a bitch!" Harry screamed as she and Ron sat down in the Great Hall for Lunch.  
>"How dare that stupid motherfucking Cock-sucker do this to me?"<p>

"I'm sure it will wear off." Ron said, slightly amused. "Snape wouldn't have given you a potion that was permanent, would he?"

"At least it's good for something." Harry said grimly, Her eyes fixed on Mary Sue, who was currently sitting on Malfoy's lap. "It'll give me a little bit of time to come up with a way to get rid of her… and get Snape fired."

"Can't you just tell Dumbledore that Snape turned you into a chick? I mean, surely there's something in Wizarding law about adjusting someone's gender without their permission…"

"Nah. Snape would just say I was a demonstration. Dumbledore loves Snape, I hear. Nobody's quite sure why."

Ron watched the people entering the hall for a while. And when he saw a head of bushy brown hair, he was instantly inspired.

"Oy! Rowling! Get over here!"

The head turned.

"How many times do I have to tell you!" She shrieked. "My name is Hermione!"

"Yeah, whatever. I was wondering if you would help us."

"Hmm…" Hermione said. "Well… I suppose."

"Excellent!" Ron said happily. "Come with us to see Snape, so we can convince him to give us the cure!"

"You're nuts." Hermione said. "I mean, there's no point really. Potions that adjust your appearance don't typically last very long, so-"

"So help us fuck Snape up." Harry said. "C'mon, Joanne. It'll be fun!"

"My name's Hermione!" She snapped.

"Whatever." Harry said, as she picked up a sandwich. "Let's go now."

"But I didn't get to eat." Hermione complained.

"Oh please. Transfiguration's next. Explain what happened to Mcgonagall and she'll transfigure her desk into bacon or something." Harry said dismissively.

As the Trio walked out of the Great Hall, all heads turned at the shining beacon of light that appeared to be coming from them.

"How odd." Professor Mcgonagall remarked as the light disappeared. "I've never seen anything like it. What was that?"

Dumbledore smiled.

"That, was the proof I needed. Those three will do great things in this story. They are indeed the Golden Trio."

…

Hermione knocked on Snape's classroom door.

"Er, hello, Professor?"

No response.

"He's not in there." Ron said, looking very disappointed indeed.

"Should we wait for him?" Harriette asked.

"Hey! Look! It's the Boy… who's a girl!"

Harry and friends turned around to see Draco Malfoy and his cronies.

"Shit." Harry said.

"Oh, I'm Harry Potter." Malfoy said. He pointed his wand at his forehead and traced out a Lightning bolt. "I'm so famous and awesome, I'll just get on the bad side of the Greatest Professor in the history of the School on the first day. Nothing bad will happen right?" Malfoy then pulled his arms into his sleeves, and shoved outward in the chest area. "Oh, he turned me into a girl! Oh no! Well, it's not all bad. I get to live out all my fantasies of flirting with that adorable guy on the Hufflepuff quidditch team without him weirding out on me. Oh la la!"

Crabbe and Goyle were cracking up. The Golden Trio however, were not impressed.

"Dude, what the hell?" Ron asked.

"Who is this guy?" Hermione asked.

As soon as Hermione spoke, Draco noticed her for the first time.

"If it isn't the Canon Sue." He said. "How nice to finally meet you, Rowling."

"Why do people keep calling me that!" Hermione screamed.

Draco ignored her. "So, Weasley. I trust you're dating The Girl who got Lucky now? Weird. She looks just like your sister. Weird coincidence, huh?"

Ron was shaking with rage. "That's it." Ron pulled out his wand.

"Ron!" Hermione said sharply. "No magic in the corridors!"

"Listen to the bitch, Weasel." Malfoy said.

"What's going on here?"

The six looked to see Snape strutting towards them.

"Professor." Hermione said, in an important sounding tone. "These boys have inherently harassed us, in every sense of the word, accusing us of Homoerotic desires, of enjoying fame one feels they do not deserve, of being a Mary-Sue, of having incestrous desires, and none of these things was meant in any sort of positive way. Oh, and they did this for no reason at all."

"Rowling, your friend is pointing his wand at Mr. Malfoy's face." Snape said. "Five points from Gryfindor for lying to me. Five points for attempted dueling in the corridors. Malfoy, Fifty points for Slytherin for not drawing your wand in retailiation.

"Fuck yes!" Malfoy said. "I got my karmic points for today. Let's go abuse Mudbloods on the Internet!"

The Slytherins promptly left the scene. Snape refocused his attention to the Golden Trio.

"Oh, you three are in so much trouble." Snape smirked. "Fifty points from Gryfindor for pointless brawling."

"Professor, it wasn't like that, Malfoy was being really mean, sir."

"More pointless lying, Rowling. Ten more points from Gryfindor."

"You know," Ron said, "Eventually somebody is going to wonder why the bloody fuck Gryfindor keeps coming in last in the house championship, despite having freaking Joanne Rowling, Famous Harry Potter, and all around better looking people then the rest of the houses."

"Ron," Hermione hissed.

"Professor, I want the cure for my condition, please." Harry said quickly.

"Of course." Snape said. "Allow me to get it for you."

Snape disappeared into his office.

"Woah. That was- too easy." Harry muttered.

"Be careful Harry, it may be a trap!" Hermione warned.

Just then, a figure whose face was covered by a cloak appeared behind the trio. The figure raised his hands above his head and lots of green light began appearing, forming a giant ball.

"Holy shit, look out!" Harry dived out of the way. Hermione and Ron, however, were not so lucky. The two were knocked through the floor of the dungeon.

"You DragonBall eating fucktard!" Harry channeled his rage into his wand, which resulted in ridiculously complicated curses and hexes that no first year should ever learn. However, The fucktard was apparently a badass, because he just dodged all of them and walked out of the classroom.

Harry walked over to the hole and looked down.

"Oi! How are you two!"

"This makes no sense!" Hermione's frantic voice called out from below. "I mean, we were in the Dungeons, right? Aren't Dungeon's supposed to be the bottom of the castle? Then where the hell are we? I mean, how many tunnels does this place have anyway? Isn't Dumbledore hiding some serious shit under the third floor? Don't even get me started on the Chamber of Secrets and-"

"Jo, do us all a favor and shut up. Harry, get Snape to help. Hurry!"

Harry turned and knocked on Snape's office door. The door opened.

"Hello, Professor?"

"Here, here!" Snape dropped down from the Ceiling like an overgrown bat. "hehehehe, I made it especially for you."

"Sure, Professor, Oh, my friends fell-"

"Drink the potion!" Snape snapped. He grabbed the bottle, uncorked it, and shoved it down Harry's throat.

Harry swallowed the entire thing, then threw it against the wall where it shattered into a million pieces.

"What the hell was that for!" Harry demanded.

"I want the effects to take place immediately fufufufu."

"Well, anyway, my friends are in trou- Agh!" Harry gasped out in pain. She looked at her fingers. They were getting larger.

"What's going on?"

"You see, Harriette, That mudblood you claim I almost got with was your mom. And the greatest piece of advice I ever received was 'if you can't get with the Mother, get with the Daughter." Snape then procedded to laugh evilly.

"Fuck." Through the pain, Harry drew his wand and sliced Snape's hands off. "Bastard!" Harry proclaimed as Snape shrieked in pain.

"Let me tell you a story." Snape said.

"Fuck that." Harry said. "Give me the real antidote.

Snape ignored him. "Once, there was an incredibly gifted, very beautiful, very talented young wizard attending this school."

"Yeah, and his name is Harry Potter. Give me the fucking antidote!"

"His name was Severus. Now, Severus was a genius, quite possibly the most talented wizard Hogwarts has ever seen."

"Yada yada yada."

"Now, Severus was talented in all subjects, and excelled in the Quidditch field. However, there were two goals he could not meet. First and most importantly, he could not get a girlfriend. He tried and tried and tried, and yet to no avail. The reason for this, was his second, less important goal: James Potter. Now, James Potter was basically a walking dick so naturally all the hot chicks wanted to fuck him and shit. To preserve their innocence until they realized I had a bigger penis, I set out to get him expelled."

"You know, this story is mildly entertaining due to the fact it's so freaking pathetic. And what do you have anything to do with this?"

"In Severus's Fifth year, he realized his best friend was actually a hot chick. So, naturally, he went out of his way to try to seduce her."

"I bet this ended really well." Harry said sarcastically.

"Well, she was a mudblood and therefore poor, so I decided to give her money to be my lover and shit, but she got pissed at me for some reason and went and got tangled with Potter, which is quite possibly the saddest thing I've ever witnessed."

"Wow. You treated Mom like a Prostitute. Yeah. This story is stupid, give me the cure."

"Then, they got married, and had you! And you weren't even a girl!" Snape went on. "So I've been preparing for this for years. To have sex with Lily Evan's daughter, just to mock her! Oh, she'll be so jealous." Snape giggled.

"Dude, you're unhinged." Harry said plainly. "Seriously, get a real girlfriend."

"What!" Snape looked less deranged. "No, there are no women who have good enough taste to be with me."

"You moron." Harry said. "You really think having sex with some kid who's under a gender change potion and altered to look older then he really is means you'll feel better? Nah. You'll get sent to Azkaban, Professor. This is technically rape, you know."

Snape collapsed on the floor.

"What should I do!" He moaned.

"Give me the antidote." Harry said. "And I'll teach you how to pick up chicks."

Snape looked up with tears in his eyes.

"Hot ones?"

"Oh yeah." Harry nodded. "Smoking."

…

"I can't believe you left us down there for the rest of the school day!" Hermione ranted, glaring at Harry. "I missed all of my classes!"

"I don't know what you're so worked up about." Ron said. "I'm more concerned with the fact that Harry IS NOT GOING TO REPORT ANY OF THESE INCIDENTS."

"Hey, Snape's just a lunatic." Harry said dismissively as they climbed up the stairs to the common room. "One night with a good looking chick, Bam. All his problems are fixed. Plus, he might even like me!"

"Harry, he tried to sexually assault you." Hermione pointed out.

"So? He didn't succeed, did he? I was too swift for him."

"What about that guy in the cloak?" Hermione asked.

"Oh. Shit." Harry stopped in his tracks. "I forgot about him."

"Let's go report him!" Hermione urged.

"I don't know, it might have been Snape trying to get you out of the way."

"But we should still report him." Ron said.

"And what about-" Hermione began, but was cut off by a loud screech.

Draco Malfoy was barreling down the corridor towards them, waving his arms and screaming.

Malfoy collapsed in front of The Golden Trio and didn't move.

"Malfoy?" Harry asked blankly.

"Er, Draco?" Hermione asked tentatively. "Is there something wrong?"

"Yes!" Draco sat up suddenly. "That girl is so possessive and- dreamy and pretty and perfect." He smiled. "I'm going to talk to her now."

He left.

"What the hell was that all about?"

"Harry, I've been meaning to tell you." Hermione said, biting her lip nervously. "Mary Sue. She's becoming stronger."

Harry forced a laugh.

"You can't be serious. Someone that perfect couldn't get any stronger." Harry threw his hand over his mouth in horror.

Hermione nodded. "Yes. She is twisting the school to her fit her own sick fantasies. "

Ron looked very green. "You mean- we might become like Draco?"

Hermione nodded.

"We need to stop her." Harry decided.

"But how?" Ron said. The boys looked at Hermione.

"I'm going to write a letter." She decided. Hermione turned and walked away.

"Holy shit." Ron said, in wonder. "That's even more annoying when our story's plot doesn't make much sense."

…

Ron promised to wait in the common room as Harry went down to the dungeons to meet Snape.

"Enter." A voice said, as Harry knocked on Snape's office door.

Harry opened and walked inside.

"Hello." Harry said.

"Good evening." Snape said curtly.

Seconds passed as they stared at each other.

"So, uh, should we begin?" Harry asked.

"Yes."

"So, I've been thinking Severus," Harry began. "And I've come to an incontrovertible conclusion."

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"You are far too desperate to get a girlfriend right now." Harry said.

"What!" Snape screamed, and leapt to his feet. "Why, you-"

"Let's face it." Harry said. "You've been hung over on some girl you couldn't get due to your racist beliefs for like, what? Eleven years? Fifteen? However long my parents were officially dating?"

Snape clenched his fists.

"I think our first lesson should be on what girls do not want." Harry said. "As you seem to have noticed, hot chicks hate it when you insult them, most notably 'Mudblood' and 'You fuckable pussy ass bitch' seems to make them very angry."

"What? But, but, Lucius told me that he said that to Narcissa, and she loved it."

"Well, whoever Lucius is, he's a fucking moron and he should be divorced by now." Harry checked his notes. "Right. Now, Hot chicks also don't like assholes."

"What!" Snape shrieked. "Your father was the biggest asshole I've ever met!"

"Five points from Slytherin, Professor, for disrespecting the dead." Harry said. "Now, an explanation is in order, yes? Girls don't give a fuck if everybody else thinks you're an asshole. No, it's what she thinks of you, as a person that really matters. I would advise becoming a nicer person to the opposite sex. Hold the door open for Professor Mcgonagall! Maybe you might attract the attention of Professor Sinistra!"

"I would be much more interested in her if at any point throughout the series Rowling described her at all." Snape said. "I know all those fanfiction authors go on about how she's a super hot single witch my age, but that's probably not true."

"That was just an example." Harry said. "Anyway, next lesson. Improving your appearance. Girls apparently do not believe you will take the time to love them and stuff if you don't look like you care for youself. Never mind about looking hot- only sluts go for those bastards. Just wash your hair or something."

Snape was scandalized.

"But- my hair." Snape grasped his greasy head. "Lily once touched it in third year." A dreamy expression crossed his face. "So amazing… I don't want to take a shower ever aga-"

Harry smacked him.

Twenty points from Slytherin for fantasizing about my mother, and disrespecting the dead!" Harry snapped. "This is why nobody likes you! You're pathetic! I don't think even I could help you!"

"What!" Snape gasped. He then fell to his knees. "But I've learned so much!"

"The only way you're going to learn anything is through a training montage. I want you to be the Rocky Balbao of romance! I want you to have the Eye of the Tiger!"

…

_Duh. Duh duh duh. Duh duh duh. Duh duh duuuh._

…

Harry bewitched several pictures of women to fly towards a closed door.

"Snape! Hot chicks ahead! Open the damn door!"

"Where's Lily! Where's Lily!" Snape said frantically as all the pictures crashed into the door and fell to the floor.

"She's in Heaven! Laughing at you!" Harry snapped, and began bewitching the pictures again.

…

_Rising up, back on the streets_

…

"Okay, Snape." Harry said. "I want you to walk down this street like one badass motherfucker and not look at any women. I mean, no women. You must make them come after you, you know?"

Snape nodded.

"Awesome! Go go go!" Harry cheered as Snape slouched down the street.

Snape stared down at the ground as he walked along the center of the street. Surely, he was becoming more attractive now!

"Ohh, look at that candy!" A woman said. Snape nearly cricked his neck to look at the woman who had noticed his change.

She was looking in the Honeyduke's window.

…

_I did my time, took my chances_

…

"Okay, Snape." Harry said. "I want you to stand in that corner, stare in the mirror, and think about hot chicks that are not my Mother."

Snape did as he was told and tried thinking about other girls he was attracted to. None came to mind.

"Yeah, Potter, I've got nothing."

"My Rowling, were you that obsessed?" Harry seethed.

…

_With the distance now back on my feet, I'm just a man, with a will to Survive._

…

"Okay, Snape. C'mon, One more! That'll make it two!" Harry shouted from on top of Snape's back.

Snape panted with exhaustion as he pushed with all his might. He fell as soon as he had accomplished his task.

"Okay, Snape." Harry said. "I'll be honest: I don't know if I should make fun of you for being so weak or happy that you pushed yourself to exhaustion. Hmm."

…

_So many times, it happens too fast. You change your passion for Glory._

…

Snape was facing a cute witch who was giggling slightly as the well-groomed man tried to chat her up.

"So, er, I think you're cute and all. Want a butterbeer?"

She smiled. "Sure."

Snape then fainted dead away.

Harry took off his invisibility cloak and kicked his professor.

"Oh come on! You were so close, too!"

"I- think I've given up on Lily." Snape whispered.

"About time. Oi! Two butterbeers please! This is something to celebrate!"

…

_Don't lose your grip, on the dreams of the past, you must fight to keep those dreams alive_

…

"I may have gotten over Lily." Snape began, "But every Witch I've tried talking to- well, I see James in my head. Laughing at me. Every single time."

Harry frowned.

"Sounds like some serious physchological shit." He remarked. "A romance block huh. Well, we've gotten past your other roadblocks. Gotta keep fighting Snape. Remember that."

…

_It's the Eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight, Rising up to the dream of the Fight it's the blah blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh of the Tiger._

…

"Okay, Snape! Yeah, Two more!" Harry said, sounding rather excited.

Snape straightened his back and prepared to make his last two sit-ups while hanging over a giant cliff. Snape pulled himself up, then dropped back down, exchausted.

"It's, too much." He panted.

Harry pulled out a picture of a girl named Eileen Prince.

"Hoo, she's kinda cute." Harry said, looking over the photo. "I could tap that, nyeah nyeah nyeah!"

Snape threw himself out of the pit to tackle him. Harry however, dodged, laughing.

"Two thousand. Nice job."

…

_Face to face, out in the heat. Hanging tough, staying hungry._

…

Snape found himself chatting with the very same witch he had been talking to the other night.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about last time. How about a butterbeer now?" Snape asked her. He offered her his arm.

She giggled and took it. "Of course."

"Oi! Snivellus!"

Snape turned to see a familiar face walking towards him.

"P-Potter!" He gasped. "But you're dead!"

"Hey baby. This guy is a git. Why don't you come home with a real man?"

Snape punched James hard in the face. James fell, apparently out cold.

"Let's go." Snape muttered. They left.

James sat up, and pulled out a flask from under his cloak. He opened it, and downed it in one gulp. Immediately, his features began to become much younger.

"Snape. I think you did it." Harry Potter muttered.

…

_It's the Eye of the Tiger._

_..._

After the Witch had fallen asleep, Snape just happened to look outside the window. Harry smiled and gave a thumbs up, making sure he had the video camera hidden.

…

"So, how's Snape coming along?" Ron asked Harry as they descended into the dungeons.

Harry smirked.

"I think we pretty much have the house cup in the bag."

Suddenly, a wall burst open. Harry and Ron stopped as a familiar Golden Light began to surround them.

"Hey, Jo." Harry said. "What's up?"

Hermione bit her lip.

"We need to talk after class."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. Hey, guess what? Snape's cool now!"

"I highly doubt that." Hermione sniffed as the Golden Trio entered the classroom. "He would need… to wash… his hair…" Hermione's eyes widened and her gaze became dreamy as she caught sight of the potions master.

Snape had washed his hair: in fact, it was so clean, just the sight of it moving as he walked around the room made every girl stare. He had also cleaned his face, and it shone with a ridiculous radiance. Perhaps the craziest change was the fact that Snape was smiling.

"His teeth are so… Ooooh." Hermione sighed. The golden light faded as she ran off towards Parvati and Lavender and immediately began gossiping with them. The boys however, had another topic in mind other then the fact that Snape had suddenly become sexy.

"Okay, did he always have those crazy abs, or did he put a spell on himself?" Seamus asked.

"Why do you care?" Harry asked.

"Dude, all those girls." Dean waved a hand carelessly over his shoulder. "Are currently all going on about how hawt our potions master is."

"So?"

"So," Seamus said patiently. "They are all attracted to him, right? So they'll be looking at him all the time and not checking out guys closer to their age group."

"Fuck that shit." Harry said. "I only go after older Asian chicks."

Seamus rolled his eyes and contuined his furious debate with Dean over what the girls were attracted to.

"Harry! Hermione is not classified as Asian is she?" Ron asked.

"Uh, no."

"That's good." Ron said, his face relaxing.

"Hello class!" Professor said, smiling, showing off perfectly white teeth.

"Hi, Professor Snape!" The class chorused. Malfoy leaned over from his table.

"Hey! Potty! Now we have the best looking teacher in the entire school!" Malfoy said, his face shining with glee. "As everyone knows, Hawt people are the greatest and best people on the planet, as proven by legendary book franchises Eragon, The Lord of the Rings, and Twilight."

"Mr. Malfoy! A hundred points from Slytherin!" Snape barked.

Malfoy fell on the floor, and once the initial heart attack passed, he was furious.

"You can't do that to me!" He wailed. "I'm a Pureblood. I'm just as sexy as you! I'm also a Slytherin! Like you!"

"But you said the 'T' word."

Malfoy's face fell. "Shit. He has a point." He sat down without further complaint.

"Hem hem."

SONOFABITCHIT'S THAT 

"May I help you?" Snape asked.

"Yes." Umbridge said. "You are far too pretty to be teaching. Instead, you shall be replaced by Professor Quirrel. Good day, Professor Snape.

…

"Is Potions class supposed to be the one time of the week when everything goes to shit for no reason?" Harry asked. "Sort of like Halloween in the canon?"

"That always has symbolic purpose though." Hermione pointed out. "Your parents were killed on Halloween, which was the worst day of your life. And the first four years at Hogwarts at important plot developments occur during Halloween."

"Granger should have made that into a huge joke." Ron muttered. "Sort of like the DADA professors. 'Yeah, the real reason everything goes to hell on Halloween is because Voldemort cursed the day to do bad things to Harry Potter. Oh la la! She's a goddess, I'm not, so she can make it sound less lame…"

Hermione sighed. "My name is Hermione Granger…"

"Shut up, Jo."

"Let's hurry up. Don't want to be late for Defense against the Dark Arts.

The Light shined on as the three walked to class.

…

"Hello Class." Umbridge said pleasantly. "Now, due to the fact that the government is actually Evil, they forced me to do this job! Unfortunatly, the Government is not against you children… yet. Just wait until OOTP. BWahahaha. Now. Due to the fact I can't show off my fanatical loyalty to whoever has power, I've decided to show off my crazy racism instead."

"Here we go." Harry said, as he rolled his eyes.

"Wonder what's in there?" Ron asked. The Golden Trio stared at the giant cage in anticipation.

"Now, behold the evil that is… Halfbreeds!" Umbridge shrieked, as she pulled off the cage cover.

"Oh my god!"

"Cedric!"

"He's that guy who chased me!" Ron said furiously.

"No." Hermione muttered, pulling out a book. "Nonononononono…"

"You see what this is?" Umbridge asked the class.

"Yeah." Harry said slowly. "It's the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain, Triwizard Champion, likeable pretty boy Cedric Diggory."

"Wrong!" Umbridge snapped. "Ten points from Gryfindor! No, this son of a bitch, only looks like likeable pretty Quidditch captain Triwizard boy Cedric Diggory. This is, in fact-"

"A vampire!" The thing said. "I'm a Vampire! Fear me!"

The thing began rocking the cage back and forth violently, until the cage tipped over and crashed to the ground.

"This thing is not a Vampire." Umbridge said firmly. "This thing, is in fact, a pixie. Who was bitten by a Vampire."

"Wow. That explains a lot." Ron said.

"You see, these pixiepires are actually parasites who use their ridiculously good looks to attract seventeen year old emo girls to turn them into even more perfect versions of them so they could take over the world. However, they are really dumb, so it didn't really work."

"Yes it did!" The Pixie screamed, rolling around in his cage. "We have four books, we have a super special awesome fanbase made entirely of twelve year old girls, we have not one, but TWO movies detailing the elaborate details of love, and-"

"Yes yes yes, you're an idiot, we get it." Umbridge said. "Now. Any questions?"

"I have one." Hermione said, thrusting her hand in the air. "What the hell did it mean by 'books' and 'fanbases?'"

"Ah. Miss… Rowling isn't it?" Umbridge's eyes gleamed with pure evil as she glared at Hermione. "You see, whenever somebody critiques something on the internet, someone always responds with stupid comments about how they can't appreciate it. These morons are called fans. They defend everything, believing whatever entertainment form they use the most is the best for everyone."

"My name is Hermione."

"Some of these fans." Umbridge went on, "Are even so stupid as to write stories based on their favorite characters doing stupid things they wouldn't normally do, most of these things have to do with love, which is ridiculous."

Umbridge's face hardened.

"What angers me the most though." Umbridge went on. "Is when the author of the World's Best Selling Children's series is so stupid as to change her own fucking canon, to change the way things were going, so some stupid skank gets with her Hero."

"Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt. " Harry whispered.

"Oh my Rowling." Ron whispered.

"Holy shit!" Hermione screeched. "You're a… You're a…."

"That's right." Umbridge smiled, revealing her teeth, which were diamond studded with the words 'Harry/Hermione FOREVER.

The Pixie sparkled himself to death with his tears.

…

"You know, it's not that bad." Harry said, trying to reassure himself as well as his friends, while avoiding Hermione's eye. "So our teacher is one of those idiots who still think our canon pairings are stupid, I mean, it doesn't mean anything, right?"

"It does." Hermione said quietly. "Mary Sue's prescence here is breaking down the Fourth wall entirely. It's only a matter of time before we're overrun with OC's who want to help us stop Voldemort."

"It looks like we have to pay the Sue a visit. Here we go." Harry sighed.

The Golden Light shined on.

…

Not many people are aware of the Fifth and greatest founder of Hogwarts, Orpehloius Charatus. The other founders brilliance was like a candle flame compared to an incredibly bright star. While the other founder's were dealing with stupid issues, such as the whole 'Mudblood' controversay, Orpehlouis was riding his pet Crumple-Horned Snorkack through time and Space, learning magics unknown to past or future generations.

Eventually, however, he grew tired of all the bickering and abandoned the school for good. There are some stories that detail his meeting a woman of surpassing beauty and brilliance. In a letter sent back to his stupid friends, he detailed his brilliant findings. However, most of the letter was eaten by the nargles, and the Hogwarts Four only received part of the letter, which detailed his new job in the future as a magical naturalist, and how he met a woman as pretty and perfect and brilliant as him. They did not receive a name, yet they did get a snide hint that she 'loves good.'

Of course, Rowena Ravenclaw and Helga Hufflepuff were distraught that they would not be able to win over the perfect man over for themselves. So they killed themselves. Gryfindor and Slytherin went their separate ways, never to speak again on how they couldn't compete with a true genius.

It is extremely difficult to get sorted into Charatus house. You must fulfill a certain requirement: You must be perfect, and from another world. Although perfect students had passed through the school at points. (Most notably, Hermione Jean Granger) they did not fulfill the requirement of being from another universe.

That all changed when Mary Sue was sorted.

The Golden Trio started across the grounds and headed for the lake.

"Where is her dorm, anyway?" Ron asked.

"It's by the lake." Harry said.

"Actually, it's over the lake." Hermione said, pointing.

Charatus could not stand the Founders archeictual design of the castle (He felt it was too… canon.) so he built his own for his perfect student s to eat, sleep, and study all under his watch. However, he had never had any students who matched his brilliance, so he used his castle to throw giant parties that somehow always managed to only attract attractive women throughout time, and they always left feeling satisfied, if you know what I mean.

The castle was floating over the lake, supported by a giant rainbow cloud. The Golden Trio stopped walking lakeside.

"Now what?" Ron asked.

As if answering his question, a rainbow crafting itself into a giant spiral staircase right before their eyes.

"We climb." Harry said.

The climb was long, and yet the three made it. The Castle's front door had the legend "Unleash Your Imagination" written above it. Harry strained his mind to imagine the door opening, and it did.

…

The Golden Light illuminated the dark entrance hall, and the trio stared around at the bloodstained walls, the gothic chandelier, and the giant 666 posters hanging from the ceiling.

"She lives here?" Ron asked incredulously as the trio walked inside. "I never imagined her to be 'goffic."

"It's a sterotype." Hermione said, somewhat nervously. "Due to the fact this isn't a canon area in the wizarding world, I anticpate we'll meet several fourth wall breaches here… be on your guard."

They drew their wands, and continued across the hall, towards the upward bound stairs.

"Knowing these sue's, she's probably in the top of the highest tower." Hermione muttered.

"What the hell are you doing you motherfuckers!"

The Trio jumped in alarm and whirled around, to face none other then… Dumbledore!

"Fuck. Anymore jokes like that, and I'll kill myself." Ron grumbled.

"Who are you? Is there any way you can help me rid the world of those who oppose me? Nyeah nyeah nyeah."

"Crap. It's the fandom Dumbledore. Do we have to deal with the stereotypes of all our friends?" Harry asked.

"Probably." Hermione bit her lip, examining Dumbledore closely. "I think he's harmless."

The trio turned their backs to Dumbledore and continued on their merry way.

"Get back here!" Dumbledore screeched. The Golden Trio relucatantly turned around.

"Yes. It is you, Harry Potter. I thought it was you." Dumbledore said calmly. "I thought you'd come and ruin our plans."

"Damn right I am!" Harry said viciously. "I mean, all this shit that keeps going down all over the damn castle… it really pisses me off!"

"You will never be able to stop The Chosen One Harry. No matter what your master may think."

"What the fuck?" Harry asked. "Haven't you read The Half-Blood prince? I am the motherfucking chosen one. It's literally in my blood. And soul." He added, pointing to his scar. "Hope that's not considered a spoiler anymore…"

"Oh please." Dumbledore chuckled. "Yes, yes, yes. Jo Kathleen Rowling has proven that it is completely possible to fuck up a good story."

"Shit. A Rowling rant." Ron said.

"You see," Dumbledore began, "it all began way back in the nineties. A woman boarded a train, and suddenly an idea about a boy wizard simply 'fell into her head."

"Yeah. Because I'm just that awesome."

"This woman worked tirelessly for years outlining her ideas. Family trees, plot developments, spells, magical abilities, magical creatures, a school of magic, an entire world, all created by her hand. "

"You know, there is the theory that she didn't actually make it up, and that her real name is Hermione Granger?" Harry asked.

"Oh. That joke that made no sense makes sense now." Hermione said in surprise.

"Shut up, Jo."

"This woman created a world, and for five books, we believed she had created a perfect one. But alas. She had to fuck it up."

"Oh fuck, not again." Harry groaned.

"This woman could not show True Love. There her Hero had it staring at him in the face for years, and that boy ended up with a slut! You see, that boy ended up with… Ginny Weasley!"

"Oh yeah." Harry said sarcastically. "Having three boyfriends in two years is totally slutty, I mean, it's not like there are girls who go through a guy every two weeks… oh wait. There are. Don't give me your bullshit!"

"Oh please." Dumbledore scoffed. "Well, it doesn't change the fact that by the end of the series, you did not end up with her… the girl of your dreams…. Hermione Jean Granger!" And with that, he jabbed a finger towards Hermione.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, and began laughing.

"Stop it!" Dumbledore snapped. "Stop it!"

Harry and Hermione fell down on the floor, beating their hands against the ground and laughing.

With a shriek of rage, Dumbledore exploded. For some reason, only his blood began to spatter against the walls and on the Golden Trio.

"Ergh. OOC blood." Ron said, with disgust as he waved as wand and removed the mess.

"Well? Should we continue?"

"Let's go."

The Trio climbed the stairs.

"Hang on." Harry stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"Unleash your Imagination. Hang on." Harry strained his mind, and suddenly an elevator appeared.

"Brilliant, Harry!" Hermione said, as she stepped inside.

"Brilliant." Ron Chortled as he stepped inside as well. "Closest thing to sounding British since the story started."

The elevator shot upwards with incredible force, and the Golden Trio were thrown to the ground.

The Trio screamed as the Elevator rocketed upward, smashing through floors, and came to a stop so sudden, the trio were thrown to the ceiling.

"Boss fight, Lady and Gentleman." Ron said, and the three opened the door.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" How do you like that, you bitch!" Mary Sue cackled as she smacked a teenager with a whip.

"Uh, are we interrupting something here?" Ron asked.

The Sue turned around.

"Oh what the fuck! It's those bloody canon characters!" She screamed. "Shit. I wasn't expecting you for another 2,000 words!"

"It's over, Mary Sue." Harry said, stepping forward. "Leave our world now, or face our wrath."

"Why would I leave?" Mary Sue asked, shaking her beautiful head. "I'm happy here."

"Unlike in real life." Ron said loudly. Hermione giggled.

"Now really!" Mary Sue said angrily. "First you skip all the clever and hilarious challenges based on bad fanfiction I set for you by using a Deus Ex Machina, then you barge in on me during my fun, and now you insult me!"

"Well, you do kind of deserve it." The teenager said. "Just to be clear, she's just torturing me. Nothing sexual here!"

"Oh shut up." Mary Sue said, as she smacked him with the whip again. "Now, where was I?"

"Why would I leave?"

"Oh yes." Mary Sue cleared her throat. "Why would I leave? I'm happy here. People do what I want, when I want them to do it. It's paradise, and I love it!"

"Oh. Is that all?" Harry asked, disappointed. "I was sort of hoping for a tragic speech on how Mary Sue's are typically really unhappy in real life, and how they use the character to vent personal wishes and frustrations. I was willing to feel sorry for you. Now I can see you're just a bitch."

"Hear hear." Ron and Hermione said.

"Enough!" Mary Sue shouted. The entire tower shook. "Who are you to taunt me, the Perfect almighty beautiful queen of the Universe… Mary Sue! I am the only one of my kind, everyone loves me, and those who don't end up either dying or loving me! I am invincible! Bwahaha-"

"Actually," Hermione said. "You are wrong."

"What?" Mary Sue asked.

"What?" Harry asked.

"What?" Ron asked. "Jo, you don't have to point this stuff out."

"Great." The teenager said, shaking his head. "I knew this was coming…"

"I can't be wrong!" Mary Sue raged. "This entire universe is my plaything! I have sex here, I feed off bleed here, I defeat evil overlords here! I personally believe you are simply jealous!"

"I was merely pointing out the fact that you are not the only Mary Sue in this universe." Hermione said.

"Oh shit!" Ron said.

"Wow." Harry said. "This is going to be good. Time for the shades!" Harry reached into his pocket, pulled out two pairs of sunglasses, and handed one to Ron. "Cheers." Harry said. The two looked like some badass motherfuckers with those totally shitting pimping bitches on that fucking pimping faces. "Now Mary Sue… I believe you will soon be…" Harry thrust his fist forward, and rotated his thumb downward. "Rejected!"

"What is this madness!" Mary Sue wailed. "How can there be a Sue? Only my fans from ff . net can enter my world!"

"I am the Mary Sue." Hermione said.

"Oh fuck!"

Hermione's fist flew so fast toward the Sue's face that mere words cannot describe how totally bitching it was. Mary Sue was slammed against the surface of the moon so hard, a crater about 50 miles in circumference was formed.

Hermione jumped and prepared to elbow drop the Sue, but the Sue dodged, grabbed her leg, and swung her round, and threw her toward the sun.

Hermione used her sue powers to conjure a giant pole sticking out of Mercury, which she grabbed and used to fling herself back to the Sue with an almighty kick.

The Sue had jumped again, and the two flew towards each other for about a second, despite all the dramatic time freezing, and slammed into each other with force. Hermione had blocked the punch, and the Sue the kick, so they kept twisting themselves in midspace, trying to kick their opponent's ass. Hermione kicked tried to kick the Sue twice, and the Sue responded by grabbing her legs. Hermione twisted her body through her legs and began punching the Sue's stomach.

The Sue gasped in pain as Hermione's speed of light punches contacted with her harder than rock abs. The Sue released Hermione, and shot fire out of mouth like a dragon. Hermione's eyes widened as she kicked the Sue to produce the force necessary to escape, but she did not avoid getting burned.

Hermione landed gracefully on her feet on Mars. She searched the sky for Mary Sue, but could not find her anywhere.

Hermione frowned.

"Star Death!" A voice screamed. A giant beam of light struck Hermione, and she was knocked into the center of the Planet as it exploded.

Hermione was thrust into space again, and thankfully landed on Venus. Hermione gasped as she sat down to catch her breath.

"Had enough?" Mary Sue asked smugly, as she descended from the Heavens. "You know you can't beat me!" Mary Sue brought her leg back for a kick, but was shocked to find Hermione behind her, holding her leg.

"Nope." Hermione smirked. "I haven't even been warmed up!"

Hermione threw the Sue and jumped. The next thing Sue knew was she was about constantly attacked from various angles by Hermione.

"Take this, ya skank!" Hermione screamed. Another punch. Sue felt herself tearing through space, before she could get her bearings, she was slammed again into another planet.

However, Sue would not be defeated that easily.

"Oh haha." Sue said as she flew lazily towards Hermione. "I can fly, you can't. I'm better, so there! I haven't even shown you my true power yet... Star Death!"

At pointblank range, Hermione slowly raised her hand and blocked the attack. The shock wave caused a giant energy ripple of sorts, one of Jupiter's Moons was shattered into a million pieces.

"What? How are you…"

"I'm not giving it my all yet either." Hermione said calmly.

"So. You truly wish to challenge me then? So be it." Mary Sue screwed up her face and started screaming. "_"

Hermione waited as Sue kept screaming and screaming. Power was coming from her now: Rainbows, unicorns, and puppies could all be seen emanating from the sue.

After a whole 20 hours of this, the Sue finally stopped screaming.

"Ha! You see this power? I shall destroy you with it!"

"I doubt it." Hermione said. For that, she was punched in the face.

She didn't budge.

"What… What the fuck?" The Mary Sue gasped.

"Pathetic." Hermione said.

"Die! Die die die die die die!" Mary Sue screamed as she slammed her fists in Hermione's stomach… Only to pull back in pain as they contacted her abs.

Hermione reached up and poked Mary Sue in the chest with her finger.

Mary Sue screamed as she was slammed through another moon, and struggled to gain control of her flight path.

After several minutes, the Sue regained control of her flight.

"You little… bitch!" The Sue screeched. She charged her power as she charged Hermione again.

The Sue brought her fist back and prepared to put all her magic behind her punch… but Hermione brought up her fist and knocked her off balance.

Staggering, Mary Sue brought up her hands and called forth the power from within:

"Ultima Rainbow Star Death!" She screamed.

Hermione was blasted backwards, towards a familiar blue planet. Hermione gracefully landed on her feet, and looked around at Harry and Ron's awestruck faces.

"That was…" Harry started, but was interrupted by Ron's scream.

"Holy Shit, Hermione, that is really hot. Will you marry me?"

"Not yet Ronald." Hermione said wistfully as she stared at the sky. "It's not over yet."

Mary Sue descended from the sky a second time, looking extremely frustrated.

"Damn, you stupid bitch. Why don't you just lie down and die?" The Sue grumbled as she hovered about the Tower.

"Hey, I do my best." Hermione shrugged.

"Well, you'll have to do your best without your little friends!" Mary Sue said, as she charged Harry. Hermione jumped in front of him and blocked the punch.

"How dare you threaten them?" Hermione whispered.

"Hermione, no. It's not worth it." Harry said.

"What?" Hermione said, looking around in shock.

"Hee, hee, hee. This should be good." The Teenager giggled.

"Hermione, she's just a girl with no talents and no friends. You can't let what she says about you over the internet take over your life."

"Hermione," Ron said. "I love you. But I think Harry has a point. Fanfiction really doesn't mean anything. Nothing at all. It's only the canon that truly matters."

…

After the Sue entered her one winged angel form, a deus ex machina appeared and allowed the trio to defeat her somewhat easily. Due to the fact that I am lazy and haven't worked on this story in months, I can't be bothered to tell you what it was, or how they used it to defeat her. Anyway, the end of the school year came, and the trio boarded the Hogwarts express to head home.

"Seriously guys. It was obvious to everyone with a brain you were going to get together. Stop underlining it and putting it in bold." Harry said flatly.

Hermione pulled her lips away from Ron's to sneer at Harry. "You're just jealous!"

"Thank you, captain obvious." Harry said. "Now if you will excuse me, I will step off this train and head back to my abusive foster parents in a lonely and dejected manner, for I am single."

"Damn it, Harry. This is ridiculous. Stop being such an asshole and get a girl!" Ron said, before he began frenching with Hermione again.

"Nice to know that sex really does ruin friendships." Harry muttered as he left the compartment. "What is the best way to get back at them?"

Harry walked through the corridors in a daze, barely noticing any of the creations of J.K. Rowling. Having two best friends who were sleeping together was incredibly annoying.

Harry decided that the best thing to do was become a vampire. That way, Hermione would fall in love with him, he would eat her, and then she would eat Ron, therefore they would be the undead vampire golden trio, and have awesome vampire adventures for all eternity. Before Harry could pull out his wand and slash his wrists, a nearby compartment door opened.

"Dammit Harry! Don't be such a emo fuck!"

"Cedric, you are not the best guy to convince me not to commit suicide."

"Oh shut up." Cedric snarled.

"Oh hey, Cedric. What time is it? Around Twilight? When's the next New moon? I want to go see Professor Lupin after his transformation to cheer him up. I was thinking of taking him up to where the sun never sets, a Midnight Sun, you know? That way he wouldn't have to deal with Eclipse's or Breaking Dawn's or whatever the fuck he has problems with."

Cedric glared at Harry.

"You know, I changed my mind. Fuck you." With that, Cedric slammed the door in Harry's face.

Harry was slightly cheered by goading Cedric, so he decided to go around making obnoxious comments like that to all of his Hogwarts friends.

"Susan, punch your dad in the face for me. He ruined Percy Jackson. What a fucktard."

"Oh, hello Professor McGonnagall. You know, I'm rather glad you weren't in charge of the choir in the third movie. I don't fancy seeing you dress up like a nun."

"Marcus Belby. You are a beast. RIP."

"Oh, Hagrid. I heard James Bond kicked your ass. Enough said."

"Luna, I don't care that this is a first year story and I haven't met you yet. I just need to tell you that the author believes you are super mega foxy awesome hot, and he totally wants you. Yeah, he's like, totally in love with you and shit. So yeah. Message him please."

"Lauren. High five. Still want to go to pigfarts?"

"Dan, just between you and me… keep your clothes on."

"Emma, you dropped out of college? Way to stay in character, you stupid bitch."

"Seamus, Dan told me that you went through like, ten wands in the course of filming the movies. You are a fucking background character. What the fuck do you do with those things? Maybe I don't wanna know…."

"Hey, Dumbledore, check out this clip of some guy named Alan Rickman falling off a building in this movie called 'Die Hard!' Do me a favor and show it to Snape, okay? I think he'd find it hiliarious."

"Sirius. Clowns suck. That is all."

"Dan, I'm coming back for you because I hate you. You voiced a fucking vampire on the greatest show ever. How could you?"

Harry eventually ran out of actor allusions due to his lack of movie watching expertise. So he was forced to head back to his compartment out of sheer boredom.

But then, someone jumped out at him! It was…. Cho Chang!

Ron stuck his head out of the compartment and winked.

"Sorry, Harry/Hermione shippers. I'm not going to kill myself."

"I wouldn't let you." Hermione purred. "Now put your wand inside me!"

Ron ducked his head back inside and Hermione began to moan. Cho and Harry looked at each other.

"Err…" Harry waved his wand and the door closed. "Right."

"What's with all these eleven year olds having sex?" Cho asked. "It's not cool. It's just stupid."

"Yeah, I think so too. Want to suck my cock?"

"What?"

"Want to take a walk?" Harry repeated.

"Sorry Harry, but the Potter mania is over now. I'm after a real man!" With that, Cho flounced into Cedric's apartment.

"Wow. Whatta bitch."

…

"Wow. Whatta woman." Harry rounded on Ron. "Dammit Ron! Why didn't you tell me you had a hot sister?"

Ron glared at Harry, but did not break the kiss with his one true ship. Lavender Brown. Just kidding.

It was Ginny.

Just kidding.

It was Umbridge.

Just kidding.

"So yeah." Harry turned back to Ginny. "Want to go out? Note how I am actually polite in this scenario, unlike in canon where I force myself on you."

"Oh shut up. You'll just convince more people of whole 'Ginny spiked Harry with love potion! Theory. YES! FUCK YES! I'D LOVE TO GO OUT WITH YOU!"

"Cool." Harry said. "See you next year!"

And with that, Harry ended his first year at Hogwarts.

THE END

I would like to stress that unlike J.K. Rowling's work of pure fantasy, the complete and utter bullshit you see above actually happened.

I would like to inform you that I officially copyright the term 'Golden Trio.' This means that I completely and legally own the term. If the term is used in any fanfiction with out permission, you shall face dire consequences. Namely, Having your story deleted. I am taking steps to insure much harsher punishments however. Except Dementors to be sucking out souls of those who oppose me soon. And for now, I rest.

Well, actually, I promised myself I wouldn't quit until I reached 10,000 words, so I think I'll type a bit more before I go to bed. Yeah, this story is awesome isn't it? I was on so many drugs and doing so many chicks, it was ridiculous.

Fin.


	2. The Future

"Oh. Harry. What are you doing up here?"

Harry turned and gave a small smile toward his friend. "Hi, Ron. How's it going?"

Ron pulled himself up over the side of the battlement and sat down next to Harry.

"It's great. I just needed some fresh air. What are you doing out here?"

Harry's smile faded. He gazed across the lake.

"Harry?" Ron repeated, concern in his voice. "What's wrong?"

Harry's gaze was still fixated over the lake. "I'm just thinking, is all."

"About what?"

"The future." Harry said simply.

"Oh." Ron frowned. "Why?"

Harry's gaze never left the lake. "The only reason people respect me," He began, "Was because I defeated Voldemort. What happens when people forget about that, huh? What if I die, and things go back the way they were before? What if everyone thinks I don't know what I'm doing, and decide all of my ideas about the world are wrong?"

Ron stared at his friend. "Harry." He said slowly. "You're not alone. We're going to help you change the world. For the better." He reached out his hand, and Harry slowly reached for it.

They shook hands.

"Harry, we have an opportunity here not to just change Magical Britain, but the whole world. We can do something with this chance. Just keep focused, alright?" Ron said.

Harry nodded. "Thanks, Ron. You're the best.

The two friends went back inside.


	3. Canon versus Fanon

Harry smirked to himself as he swept his beautiful, silver hair behind his back with a swish of his hand.

"So, Ronnie." Harry said, as he stared down his opponent. "What's it going to be?"

Ron was barely standing. The ginger wizard nobody likes was taking gasping like a fish out of water. The blood would not stop flowing out of any of his wounds.

"I'll never give up." Ron said, as he twisted his lips into something that resembled a smile.

"Wrong answer!" Harry shrieked, as he waved his staff. Ron fell to the floor with a scream as Harry performed the super mega foxy awesome hot Cruciatus curse. It is a curse that Harry invented himself. It is exactly like the cruciatus curse, only worse, because it sexually pleases it's victims while you slowly torture them.

Harry alleviated the pain on Ron. Satisfied, Harry turned around to kill his next victim…

"Hey! We're not done here!" Ron moaned as he struggled to his feet.

Harry sighed. When was this fool going to die?

"Ron." He sighed, turning around. "I've never needed you for anything. You are nothing more then a liability who wants to have sexual intercourse with my wife. Why would I keep you around?" Magic burst from Harry's hair. "Huh!" He shrieked. The magic turned into a giant lightning bolt and flew off towards the heavens. Harry took in a deep breath.

"Forgive me." He said smoothly. "I let my new powers get the better of me."

Ron laughed. "Yeah, it made you a completely different person."

Harry snorted. "No Ronnie. I am a god now." He smiled. "And now, I have peace. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can stop me. Nothing will ever hurt me again."

"I doubt that very much." Ron said.

"Oh, no, it's true." Harry said earnestly. "I'm the most powerful being in the universe. Once I kill God, I will be the ultimate. Everyone will love me! Everyone will worship me! Everyone will try to be like me!"

"Oh. Really?" Ron asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "What does that make me, then?"

"It makes you a dead man walking." Harry said simply. "Look at it this way: I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking when I called you my best friend. You're nothing but a groupie, someone trying to gain attention off of someone who is better then you. You, Ron, are just like Wormtail. Friendless, worthless, Brainless, womanless… I could go on and on."

"My point," Harry continued. "Is that I don't like you. The Knowledge I have gained through my fusion with the Author has left me with almighty powers. I control this universe. And Nothing you can do can stop me."

Ron smiled. Blood leaked out through his teeth.

"Oh. That's all you did. I thought I actually had to knock some sense into you the hard way."

"What are you talking about?" Harry laughed. "I'm a god now."

"No, you're a self insert character. The Author is just using you to explain the way he sees the series." Ron explained. "All those things he told you? Nothing but opinions that can be easily debunked."

"By what?" Harry giggled. "Nothing can stop me! My ideas are shared by millions of Harry Potter fans. We are the fandom. Everything we say: Goes! Nothing can stop us! No fan, no fansite, no one! You, Ron Weasley, are a horrible character who should never have existed! Harry Potter is in love with Hermione Granger, and nothing you can say can change that!"

Ron sighed. "Oh, you poor Gary Stu. You think you're the only one who can channel people from the real world?"

"Who could you possibly channel who can debunk my ideas?"

"Joanne Rowling."

"Argh!"

The evil author left.

Harry fell to the floor.

"Harry!" Ron screamed as he ran up to his friend. "Are you alright?"

"Ron. How could you ever forgive me?" Harry asked, tears pouring out of his eyes. "I said all of those awful things about you, and…"

"Forget it." Ron said firmly. "It's in the past. You weren't yourself. Now let's go home."


	4. Chapter 4

"Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry-"

"Shut the fuck up!" Harry screamed, sitting up in his bed with an incredible expression of fury on his face. "My Rowling, you all sound so fucking annoying."

"Sorry Harry." Dean said. "But we just want to see your scar…"

"Fuck that. I'm going to breakfast. Don't you guys go following me." With that, Harry flew across the room and down the stairs.

Harry found Ron sitting in his favorite chair by the fire. "Yo, Ronnie! Wassup?"

"Hey, Harry. Did the others annoy you?"

"Duh. Didn't you hear me screaming at them?"

The two friends walked towards the portrait hole, chatting aimlessly.

"So what's first lesson?"

"Potions." Ron answered.

"Fuck. I hate Snape."

"Dude, you've never even talked to that guy."

"Yeah, well, he was looking at me funny at dinner, and then my scar started hurting."

"Right. Just… Right."

The two started down the Grand stairway, and started on a much more interesting subject.

"Yeah, so the girls here… know any?" Harry asked casually.

"Besides Granger, no. They're all too busy going 'Oh my god! Harry Potter! Marry me!"

"Hmmm… Granger." Harry said thoughtfully, as he and Ron descended onto the ground floor. "She's not that hot, and she's kind of a bitch… so…"

Harry thrust his fist forward, and slowly rotated his hand so his thumb pointed down.

"Rejected!"

"Do you… have to do that?" Ron asked tentavively. "I mean, it's kinda weird and-"

"Shut up Ronnie. It's my signature move. Don't you forget it."

"Right." Ron sighed as they entered the Great Hall. "Breakfast looks good."

"It does." Harry agreed, "I love breakfast it's so-"

"Oh Harry!"

"Son of a bitch!" Harry swore, turning around on the spot. "Ron! I'm going to go hide!" With that, the Boy who lived turned and ran back outside the great Hall.

Ron sighed, and turned to face the Queen of all Fangirls.

"Oh. Hello Child." The girl said. "Pardon me, but I'm looking for a man. Have you seen Harry James Potter anywhere?"

"Child?" Ron said incredously. "Dude, I'm like… Eleven. Like you."

"Don't you dare compare yourself to me!" The Girl said angrily. "I, the most beautiful, the most perfect, Vampire princess-"

"Yeah yeah, I've heard this a bazillion times. " Ron said dismissively. "Fucking Unoriginal American." He added under his breath.

"Unoriginal? Oh you poor fool." The girl said, shaking her head. "Look at me! I am Isabella Katsa Mary Dementia Sue Eragon Meyer Von Cullen!"

"Sure." Ron said, nodding. "Right. Well, to be blunt, your name seems to be a compilation of Mary Sue's all across the board of fiction, throwing in a Hack author, a fictional vampire, and some emo bitch that kept calling Harry 'Vampir' for some reason… I can't take you seriously."

"Oh yeah?" Isabella Katsa Mary Dementia Sue Eragon Meyer Von Cullen said, puffing out her breasts for some reason. "Well, good thing I have a man! Eddie! Come here!" The Sue snapped her fingers, and her sex slave- err… boyfriend, appeared out of thin air.

"Oh my Rowling!" Ron gasped. "Cedric?"

"Must protect… Bella." The boy who looked like Cedric muttered. He stretched his arms out and began to walk towards Ron like a zombie.

"Ah, shit!" Ron screamed, as he took Harry's example and ran like mad.

Ron didn't head back towards Gryfindor Tower: Instead, he went to the dungeons. A part of him hoped that the zombie Cedric would attack the Slytherins.

"Out of my way!" Ron snapped at some Slytherin boys, who were about half a foot shorter than Hagrid.

"Oh, no you didn't you little bitch. Get over here!" One of the boys pulled out his wand, and sent a spear of sorts to Ron. The Spear Impaled him right in the back, and Ron could see blood. The boy yanked on his wand and Ron zoomed back over to the boys.

"I don't really have time for this, bitches." Ron said coldly, pulling out his wand. (The spear, mysteriously disappearing. There wasn't even a wound.) "So if we could just make this quick…"

Before the four could duel, Zombie Cedric came through the door, followed by Isabella.

"Alright, hurry up Eddie. I need to go find Harry and literally fuck him up, but it's not as much fun without you!"

"Urk!" Zombie Cedric grunted, walking faster towards Ron and the Slytherins.

"Shit. Fight's over. See you later!" Ron sprinted down the hallway, and ran into the first open door he saw.

"Weasley, is it? You're late." A voice said. Ron looked over and saw Professor Snape.

"Huh? This is Potions? Really?" Ron had forgotten all about it.

"50 points from Gryfindor Weasley. Now sit."

"Saved you a seat." Harry said as Ron sat down. "What happened?"

"Let's see." Ron said, screwing up his face in concentration. "I got into a fight with the bitch, got chased by her Sex-Slave, ran into some Slytherin's, and just got in trouble with our professor. Where were you the whole time, eh?"

"I'm sorry Ron. I-"

"Weasley, as hiliarious as your satiric escapades are, I must ask you to pay attention. Another fifty points from Gryffindor."

"What? Son of a bitch!" Ron screamed, kicking the table leg in frustration.

"That wasn't fair! It's our first lesson!" Harry snapped at Snape.

"Fifty more points from Gryffindor." Snape said, smiling slightly. "My, my, you boys are on a roll!"

Ron looked like he was about to retort, but Harry kicked him from under the table.

"Leave it to me." He whispered.

Suddenly, the door to the classroom burst open, and Eddie came through, moaning. Isabella followed, now chatting aimlessly to Eddie.

"I mean, that stupid bitch! Who gives a shit about Team Edward and Team Jacob? I mean, we all know that Team Everyone That Has a Huge Cock is the way to go-" Isabella stopped her teenage slutty monologue then, for she noticed Ron.

"Shit." Ron muttered.

"There he is, Eddie! Destroy him!"

"Stop!" Snape thundered. "What are your doing in my classroom?"

Bella glared at Snape.

"Oh, please." She said dismissively. "You're that bitch that everyone on fanfiction . net thinks is sooooo fucking hot. I mean, seriously. Your hair is all greasy, and-"

"People think Snape is Hot? Seriously?" Ron asked Harry.

"Hey. These people are delusional. I mean, I've heard Snape couldn't even get a date in school. He almost got with this Muggle-born girl, but then called her a mudblood."

"Seriously?" Ron said, his mouth twitching. He then fell on the floor and began rolling around with laughter.

"Yeah, I know! What an idiot! Maybe if he washed his hair, he'd be able to- to- Oh shit."

"Potter." Snape said calmly. "Come to the front."

Harry wordlessly got up, and walked past the unconscious Isabella and Eddie, who seemed to have been in the worst of a fight.

"I have had enough disobedience in this classroom for one day." Snape said, his eyes flickering to all the corners of the room, terrifying all that fell within his gaze. "And so, I will make an example of Harry Potter, our new… Celebrity." Snape waved his wand, and a vial of potion flew out of the cabinet. "I've been waiting all week for this…" Snape muttered. "Potter! Drink all of this!" He thrust the vial into Harry's hands.

Harry stared at the potion with a look of hesitation on his face. The potion seemed to be split in half: One side was blue. The other was Pink.

"Drink Potter!" Snape commanded.

"What is this supposed to do, exactly?" Harry asked Snape.

"It's going to teach you what happens when you cross my path!" Snape snapped. "Now drink!"

Harry shrugged, and downed the potion in one gulp. He smiled at Snape, and then walked back towards his seat. Halfway there, He fell down on his knees and started gasping.

"Harry!" Ron screamed.

"This is perfectly normal." Snape said emotionlessly, as Harry keeled over on the ground and began twitching randomly. "Move, Weasley, and it'll be a hundred points from Gryffindor, a detention, and the potion."

Ron watched helplessly as Harry began to transform before his eyes. Harry's hair began to turn a fiery red, and Ron could see Harry's body adjusting it's features.

It took thirty seconds. When Harry sat up again, Ron's jaw dropped.

"You son of a bitch!" Ron screamed furiously at Snape. "You turned him into a chick!"

Snape smiled as he started at Harry. "Yes, I suppose I did."

"Urgh…" Fem-Harry said as she tried to get her bearings. "What happened?"

…

"Son of a bitch!" Harry screamed as she and Ron sat down in the Great Hall for Lunch.  
>"How dare that stupid motherfucking Cock-sucker do this to me?"<p>

"I'm sure it will wear off." Ron said, slightly amused. "Snape wouldn't have given you a potion that was permanent, would he?"

"At least it's good for something." Harry said grimly, Her eyes fixed on Mary Sue, who was currently sitting on Malfoy's lap. "It'll give me a little bit of time to come up with a way to get rid of her… and get Snape fired."

"Can't you just tell Dumbledore that Snape turned you into a chick? I mean, surely there's something in Wizarding law about adjusting someone's gender without their permission…"

"Nah. Snape would just say I was a demonstration. Dumbledore loves Snape, I hear. Nobody's quite sure why."

Ron watched the people entering the hall for a while. And when he saw a head of bushy brown hair, he was instantly inspired.

"Oy! Rowling! Get over here!"

The head turned.

"How many times do I have to tell you!" She shrieked. "My name is Hermione!"

"Yeah, whatever. I was wondering if you would help us."

"Hmm…" Hermione said. "Well… I suppose."

"Excellent!" Ron said happily. "Come with us to see Snape, so we can convince him to give us the cure!"

"You're nuts." Hermione said. "I mean, there's no point really. Potions that adjust your appearance don't typically last very long, so-"

"So help us fuck Snape up." Harry said. "C'mon, Joanne. It'll be fun!"

"My name's Hermione!" She snapped.

"Whatever." Harry said, as she picked up a sandwich. "Let's go now."

"But I didn't get to eat." Hermione complained.

"Oh please. Transfiguration's next. Explain what happened to Mcgonagall and she'll transfigure her desk into bacon or something." Harry said dismissively.

As the Trio walked out of the Great Hall, all heads turned at the shining beacon of light that appeared to be coming from them.

"How odd." Professor Mcgonagall remarked as the light disappeared. "I've never seen anything like it. What was that?"

Dumbledore smiled.

"That, was the proof I needed. Those three will do great things in this story. They are indeed the Golden Trio."

…

Hermione knocked on Snape's classroom door.

"Er, hello, Professor?"

No response.

"He's not in there." Ron said, looking very disappointed indeed.

"Should we wait for him?" Harriette asked.

"Hey! Look! It's the Boy… who's a girl!"

Harry and friends turned around to see Draco Malfoy and his cronies.

"Shit." Harry said.

"Oh, I'm Harry Potter." Malfoy said. He pointed his wand at his forehead and traced out a Lightning bolt. "I'm so famous and awesome, I'll just get on the bad side of the Greatest Professor in the history of the School on the first day. Nothing bad will happen right?" Malfoy then pulled his arms into his sleeves, and shoved outward in the chest area. "Oh, he turned me into a girl! Oh no! Well, it's not all bad. I get to live out all my fantasies of flirting with that adorable guy on the Hufflepuff quidditch team without him weirding out on me. Oh la la!"

Crabbe and Goyle were cracking up. The Golden Trio however, were not impressed.

"Dude, what the hell?" Ron asked.

"Who is this guy?" Hermione asked.

As soon as Hermione spoke, Draco noticed her for the first time.

"If it isn't the Canon Sue." He said. "How nice to finally meet you, Rowling."

"Why do people keep calling me that!" Hermione screamed.

Draco ignored her. "So, Weasley. I trust you're dating The Girl who got Lucky now? Weird. She looks just like your sister. Weird coincidence, huh?"

Ron was shaking with rage. "That's it." Ron pulled out his wand.

"Ron!" Hermione said sharply. "No magic in the corridors!"

"Listen to the bitch, Weasel." Malfoy said.

"What's going on here?"

The six looked to see Snape strutting towards them.

"Professor." Hermione said, in an important sounding tone. "These boys have inherently harassed us, in every sense of the word, accusing us of Homoerotic desires, of enjoying fame one feels they do not deserve, of being a Mary-Sue, of having incestrous desires, and none of these things was meant in any sort of positive way. Oh, and they did this for no reason at all."

"Rowling, your friend is pointing his wand at Mr. Malfoy's face." Snape said. "Five points from Gryfindor for lying to me. Five points for attempted dueling in the corridors. Malfoy, Fifty points for Slytherin for not drawing your wand in retailiation.

"Fuck yes!" Malfoy said. "I got my karmic points for today. Let's go abuse Mudbloods on the Internet!"

The Slytherins promptly left the scene. Snape refocused his attention to the Golden Trio.

"Oh, you three are in so much trouble." Snape smirked. "Fifty points from Gryfindor for pointless brawling."

"Professor, it wasn't like that, Malfoy was being really mean, sir."

"More pointless lying, Rowling. Ten more points from Gryfindor."

"You know," Ron said, "Eventually somebody is going to wonder why the bloody fuck Gryfindor keeps coming in last in the house championship, despite having freaking Joanne Rowling, Famous Harry Potter, and all around better looking people then the rest of the houses."

"Ron," Hermione hissed.

"Professor, I want the cure for my condition, please." Harry said quickly.

"Of course." Snape said. "Allow me to get it for you."

Snape disappeared into his office.

"Woah. That was- too easy." Harry muttered.

"Be careful Harry, it may be a trap!" Hermione warned.

Just then, a figure whose face was covered by a cloak appeared behind the trio. The figure raised his hands above his head and lots of green light began appearing, forming a giant ball.

"Holy shit, look out!" Harry dived out of the way. Hermione and Ron, however, were not so lucky. The two were knocked through the floor of the dungeon.

"You DragonBall eating fucktard!" Harry channeled his rage into his wand, which resulted in ridiculously complicated curses and hexes that no first year should ever learn. However, The fucktard was apparently a badass, because he just dodged all of them and walked out of the classroom.

Harry walked over to the hole and looked down.

"Oi! How are you two!"

"This makes no sense!" Hermione's frantic voice called out from below. "I mean, we were in the Dungeons, right? Aren't Dungeon's supposed to be the bottom of the castle? Then where the hell are we? I mean, how many tunnels does this place have anyway? Isn't Dumbledore hiding some serious shit under the third floor? Don't even get me started on the Chamber of Secrets and-"

"Jo, do us all a favor and shut up. Harry, get Snape to help. Hurry!"

Harry turned and knocked on Snape's office door. The door opened.

"Hello, Professor?"

"Here, here!" Snape dropped down from the Ceiling like an overgrown bat. "hehehehe, I made it especially for you."

"Sure, Professor, Oh, my friends fell-"

"Drink the potion!" Snape snapped. He grabbed the bottle, uncorked it, and shoved it down Harry's throat.

Harry swallowed the entire thing, then threw it against the wall where it shattered into a million pieces.

"What the hell was that for!" Harry demanded.

"I want the effects to take place immediately fufufufu."

"Well, anyway, my friends are in trou- Agh!" Harry gasped out in pain. She looked at her fingers. They were getting larger.

"What's going on?"

"You see, Harriette, That mudblood you claim I almost got with was your mom. And the greatest piece of advice I ever received was 'if you can't get with the Mother, get with the Daughter." Snape then procedded to laugh evilly.

"Fuck." Through the pain, Harry drew his wand and sliced Snape's hands off. "Bastard!" Harry proclaimed as Snape shrieked in pain.

"Let me tell you a story." Snape said.

"Fuck that." Harry said. "Give me the real antidote.

Snape ignored him. "Once, there was an incredibly gifted, very beautiful, very talented young wizard attending this school."

"Yeah, and his name is Harry Potter. Give me the fucking antidote!"

"His name was Severus. Now, Severus was a genius, quite possibly the most talented wizard Hogwarts has ever seen."

"Yada yada yada."

"Now, Severus was talented in all subjects, and excelled in the Quidditch field. However, there were two goals he could not meet. First and most importantly, he could not get a girlfriend. He tried and tried and tried, and yet to no avail. The reason for this, was his second, less important goal: James Potter. Now, James Potter was basically a walking dick so naturally all the hot chicks wanted to fuck him and shit. To preserve their innocence until they realized I had a bigger penis, I set out to get him expelled."

"You know, this story is mildly entertaining due to the fact it's so freaking pathetic. And what do you have anything to do with this?"

"In Severus's Fifth year, he realized his best friend was actually a hot chick. So, naturally, he went out of his way to try to seduce her."

"I bet this ended really well." Harry said sarcastically.

"Well, she was a mudblood and therefore poor, so I decided to give her money to be my lover and shit, but she got pissed at me for some reason and went and got tangled with Potter, which is quite possibly the saddest thing I've ever witnessed."

"Wow. You treated Mom like a Prostitute. Yeah. This story is stupid, give me the cure."

"Then, they got married, and had you! And you weren't even a girl!" Snape went on. "So I've been preparing for this for years. To have sex with Lily Evan's daughter, just to mock her! Oh, she'll be so jealous." Snape giggled.

"Dude, you're unhinged." Harry said plainly. "Seriously, get a real girlfriend."

"What!" Snape looked less deranged. "No, there are no women who have good enough taste to be with me."

"You moron." Harry said. "You really think having sex with some kid who's under a gender change potion and altered to look older then he really is means you'll feel better? Nah. You'll get sent to Azkaban, Professor. This is technically rape, you know."

Snape collapsed on the floor.

"What should I do!" He moaned.

"Give me the antidote." Harry said. "And I'll teach you how to pick up chicks."

Snape looked up with tears in his eyes.

"Hot ones?"

"Oh yeah." Harry nodded. "Smoking."

…

"I can't believe you left us down there for the rest of the school day!" Hermione ranted, glaring at Harry. "I missed all of my classes!"

"I don't know what you're so worked up about." Ron said. "I'm more concerned with the fact that Harry IS NOT GOING TO REPORT ANY OF THESE INCIDENTS."

"Hey, Snape's just a lunatic." Harry said dismissively as they climbed up the stairs to the common room. "One night with a good looking chick, Bam. All his problems are fixed. Plus, he might even like me!"

"Harry, he tried to sexually assault you." Hermione pointed out.

"So? He didn't succeed, did he? I was too swift for him."

"What about that guy in the cloak?" Hermione asked.

"Oh. Shit." Harry stopped in his tracks. "I forgot about him."

"Let's go report him!" Hermione urged.

"I don't know, it might have been Snape trying to get you out of the way."

"But we should still report him." Ron said.

"And what about-" Hermione began, but was cut off by a loud screech.

Draco Malfoy was barreling down the corridor towards them, waving his arms and screaming.

Malfoy collapsed in front of The Golden Trio and didn't move.

"Malfoy?" Harry asked blankly.

"Er, Draco?" Hermione asked tentatively. "Is there something wrong?"

"Yes!" Draco sat up suddenly. "That girl is so possessive and- dreamy and pretty and perfect." He smiled. "I'm going to talk to her now."

He left.

"What the hell was that all about?"

"Harry, I've been meaning to tell you." Hermione said, biting her lip nervously. "Mary Sue. She's becoming stronger."

Harry forced a laugh.

"You can't be serious. Someone that perfect couldn't get any stronger." Harry threw his hand over his mouth in horror.

Hermione nodded. "Yes. She is twisting the school to her fit her own sick fantasies. "

Ron looked very green. "You mean- we might become like Draco?"

Hermione nodded.

"We need to stop her." Harry decided.

"But how?" Ron said. The boys looked at Hermione.

"I'm going to write a letter." She decided. Hermione turned and walked away.

"Holy shit." Ron said, in wonder. "That's even more annoying when our story's plot doesn't make much sense."

…

Ron promised to wait in the common room as Harry went down to the dungeons to meet Snape.

"Enter." A voice said, as Harry knocked on Snape's office door.

Harry opened and walked inside.

"Hello." Harry said.

"Good evening." Snape said curtly.

Seconds passed as they stared at each other.

"So, uh, should we begin?" Harry asked.

"Yes."

"So, I've been thinking Severus," Harry began. "And I've come to an incontrovertible conclusion."

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"You are far too desperate to get a girlfriend right now." Harry said.

"What!" Snape screamed, and leapt to his feet. "Why, you-"

"Let's face it." Harry said. "You've been hung over on some girl you couldn't get due to your racist beliefs for like, what? Eleven years? Fifteen? However long my parents were officially dating?"

Snape clenched his fists.

"I think our first lesson should be on what girls do not want." Harry said. "As you seem to have noticed, hot chicks hate it when you insult them, most notably 'Mudblood' and 'You fuckable pussy ass bitch' seems to make them very angry."

"What? But, but, Lucius told me that he said that to Narcissa, and she loved it."

"Well, whoever Lucius is, he's a fucking moron and he should be divorced by now." Harry checked his notes. "Right. Now, Hot chicks also don't like assholes."

"What!" Snape shrieked. "Your father was the biggest asshole I've ever met!"

"Five points from Slytherin, Professor, for disrespecting the dead." Harry said. "Now, an explanation is in order, yes? Girls don't give a fuck if everybody else thinks you're an asshole. No, it's what she thinks of you, as a person that really matters. I would advise becoming a nicer person to the opposite sex. Hold the door open for Professor Mcgonagall! Maybe you might attract the attention of Professor Sinistra!"

"I would be much more interested in her if at any point throughout the series Rowling described her at all." Snape said. "I know all those fanfiction authors go on about how she's a super hot single witch my age, but that's probably not true."

"That was just an example." Harry said. "Anyway, next lesson. Improving your appearance. Girls apparently do not believe you will take the time to love them and stuff if you don't look like you care for youself. Never mind about looking hot- only sluts go for those bastards. Just wash your hair or something."

Snape was scandalized.

"But- my hair." Snape grasped his greasy head. "Lily once touched it in third year." A dreamy expression crossed his face. "So amazing… I don't want to take a shower ever aga-"

Harry smacked him.

Twenty points from Slytherin for fantasizing about my mother, and disrespecting the dead!" Harry snapped. "This is why nobody likes you! You're pathetic! I don't think even I could help you!"

"What!" Snape gasped. He then fell to his knees. "But I've learned so much!"

"The only way you're going to learn anything is through a training montage. I want you to be the Rocky Balbao of romance! I want you to have the Eye of the Tiger!"

…

_Duh. Duh duh duh. Duh duh duh. Duh duh duuuh._

…

Harry bewitched several pictures of women to fly towards a closed door.

"Snape! Hot chicks ahead! Open the damn door!"

"Where's Lily! Where's Lily!" Snape said frantically as all the pictures crashed into the door and fell to the floor.

"She's in Heaven! Laughing at you!" Harry snapped, and began bewitching the pictures again.

…

_Rising up, back on the streets_

…

"Okay, Snape." Harry said. "I want you to walk down this street like one badass motherfucker and not look at any women. I mean, no women. You must make them come after you, you know?"

Snape nodded.

"Awesome! Go go go!" Harry cheered as Snape slouched down the street.

Snape stared down at the ground as he walked along the center of the street. Surely, he was becoming more attractive now!

"Ohh, look at that candy!" A woman said. Snape nearly cricked his neck to look at the woman who had noticed his change.

She was looking in the Honeyduke's window.

…

_I did my time, took my chances_

…

"Okay, Snape." Harry said. "I want you to stand in that corner, stare in the mirror, and think about hot chicks that are not my Mother."

Snape did as he was told and tried thinking about other girls he was attracted to. None came to mind.

"Yeah, Potter, I've got nothing."

"My Rowling, were you that obsessed?" Harry seethed.

…

_With the distance now back on my feet, I'm just a man, with a will to Survive._

…

"Okay, Snape. C'mon, One more! That'll make it two!" Harry shouted from on top of Snape's back.

Snape panted with exhaustion as he pushed with all his might. He fell as soon as he had accomplished his task.

"Okay, Snape." Harry said. "I'll be honest: I don't know if I should make fun of you for being so weak or happy that you pushed yourself to exhaustion. Hmm."

…

_So many times, it happens too fast. You change your passion for Glory._

…

Snape was facing a cute witch who was giggling slightly as the well-groomed man tried to chat her up.

"So, er, I think you're cute and all. Want a butterbeer?"

She smiled. "Sure."

Snape then fainted dead away.

Harry took off his invisibility cloak and kicked his professor.

"Oh come on! You were so close, too!"

"I- think I've given up on Lily." Snape whispered.

"About time. Oi! Two butterbeers please! This is something to celebrate!"

…

_Don't lose your grip, on the dreams of the past, you must fight to keep those dreams alive_

…

"I may have gotten over Lily." Snape began, "But every Witch I've tried talking to- well, I see James in my head. Laughing at me. Every single time."

Harry frowned.

"Sounds like some serious physchological shit." He remarked. "A romance block huh. Well, we've gotten past your other roadblocks. Gotta keep fighting Snape. Remember that."

…

_It's the Eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight, Rising up to the dream of the Fight it's the blah blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh of the Tiger._

…

"Okay, Snape! Yeah, Two more!" Harry said, sounding rather excited.

Snape straightened his back and prepared to make his last two sit-ups while hanging over a giant cliff. Snape pulled himself up, then dropped back down, exchausted.

"It's, too much." He panted.

Harry pulled out a picture of a girl named Eileen Prince.

"Hoo, she's kinda cute." Harry said, looking over the photo. "I could tap that, nyeah nyeah nyeah!"

Snape threw himself out of the pit to tackle him. Harry however, dodged, laughing.

"Two thousand. Nice job."

…

_Face to face, out in the heat. Hanging tough, staying hungry._

…

Snape found himself chatting with the very same witch he had been talking to the other night.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about last time. How about a butterbeer now?" Snape asked her. He offered her his arm.

She giggled and took it. "Of course."

"Oi! Snivellus!"

Snape turned to see a familiar face walking towards him.

"P-Potter!" He gasped. "But you're dead!"

"Hey baby. This guy is a git. Why don't you come home with a real man?"

Snape punched James hard in the face. James fell, apparently out cold.

"Let's go." Snape muttered. They left.

James sat up, and pulled out a flask from under his cloak. He opened it, and downed it in one gulp. Immediately, his features began to become much younger.

"Snape. I think you did it." Harry Potter muttered.

…

_It's the Eye of the Tiger._

_..._

After the Witch had fallen asleep, Snape just happened to look outside the window. Harry smiled and gave a thumbs up, making sure he had the video camera hidden.

…

"So, how's Snape coming along?" Ron asked Harry as they descended into the dungeons.

Harry smirked.

"I think we pretty much have the house cup in the bag."

Suddenly, a wall burst open. Harry and Ron stopped as a familiar Golden Light began to surround them.

"Hey, Jo." Harry said. "What's up?"

Hermione bit her lip.

"We need to talk after class."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. Hey, guess what? Snape's cool now!"

"I highly doubt that." Hermione sniffed as the Golden Trio entered the classroom. "He would need… to wash… his hair…" Hermione's eyes widened and her gaze became dreamy as she caught sight of the potions master.

Snape had washed his hair: in fact, it was so clean, just the sight of it moving as he walked around the room made every girl stare. He had also cleaned his face, and it shone with a ridiculous radiance. Perhaps the craziest change was the fact that Snape was smiling.

"His teeth are so… Ooooh." Hermione sighed. The golden light faded as she ran off towards Parvati and Lavender and immediately began gossiping with them. The boys however, had another topic in mind other then the fact that Snape had suddenly become sexy.

"Okay, did he always have those crazy abs, or did he put a spell on himself?" Seamus asked.

"Why do you care?" Harry asked.

"Dude, all those girls." Dean waved a hand carelessly over his shoulder. "Are currently all going on about how hawt our potions master is."

"So?"

"So," Seamus said patiently. "They are all attracted to him, right? So they'll be looking at him all the time and not checking out guys closer to their age group."

"Fuck that shit." Harry said. "I only go after older Asian chicks."

Seamus rolled his eyes and contuined his furious debate with Dean over what the girls were attracted to.

"Harry! Hermione is not classified as Asian is she?" Ron asked.

"Uh, no."

"That's good." Ron said, his face relaxing.

"Hello class!" Professor said, smiling, showing off perfectly white teeth.

"Hi, Professor Snape!" The class chorused. Malfoy leaned over from his table.

"Hey! Potty! Now we have the best looking teacher in the entire school!" Malfoy said, his face shining with glee. "As everyone knows, Hawt people are the greatest and best people on the planet, as proven by legendary book franchises Eragon, The Lord of the Rings, and Twilight."

"Mr. Malfoy! A hundred points from Slytherin!" Snape barked.

Malfoy fell on the floor, and once the initial heart attack passed, he was furious.

"You can't do that to me!" He wailed. "I'm a Pureblood. I'm just as sexy as you! I'm also a Slytherin! Like you!"

"But you said the 'T' word."

Malfoy's face fell. "Shit. He has a point." He sat down without further complaint.

"Hem hem."

SONOFABITCHIT'S THAT

"May I help you?" Snape asked.

"Yes." Umbridge said. "You are far too pretty to be teaching. Instead, you shall be replaced by Professor Quirrel. Good day, Professor Snape.

…

"Is Potions class supposed to be the one time of the week when everything goes to shit for no reason?" Harry asked. "Sort of like Halloween in the canon?"

"That always has symbolic purpose though." Hermione pointed out. "Your parents were killed on Halloween, which was the worst day of your life. And the first four years at Hogwarts at important plot developments occur during Halloween."

"Granger should have made that into a huge joke." Ron muttered. "Sort of like the DADA professors. 'Yeah, the real reason everything goes to hell on Halloween is because Voldemort cursed the day to do bad things to Harry Potter. Oh la la! She's a goddess, I'm not, so she can make it sound less lame…"

Hermione sighed. "My name is Hermione Granger…"

"Shut up, Jo."

"Let's hurry up. Don't want to be late for Defense against the Dark Arts.

The Light shined on as the three walked to class.

…

"Hello Class." Umbridge said pleasantly. "Now, due to the fact that the government is actually Evil, they forced me to do this job! Unfortunatly, the Government is not against you children… yet. Just wait until OOTP. BWahahaha. Now. Due to the fact I can't show off my fanatical loyalty to whoever has power, I've decided to show off my crazy racism instead."

"Here we go." Harry said, as he rolled his eyes.

"Wonder what's in there?" Ron asked. The Golden Trio stared at the giant cage in anticipation.

"Now, behold the evil that is… Halfbreeds!" Umbridge shrieked, as she pulled off the cage cover.

"Oh my god!"

"Cedric!"

"He's that guy who chased me!" Ron said furiously.

"No." Hermione muttered, pulling out a book. "Nonononononono…"

"You see what this is?" Umbridge asked the class.

"Yeah." Harry said slowly. "It's the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain, Triwizard Champion, likeable pretty boy Cedric Diggory."

"Wrong!" Umbridge snapped. "Ten points from Gryfindor! No, this son of a bitch, only looks like likeable pretty Quidditch captain Triwizard boy Cedric Diggory. This is, in fact-"

"A vampire!" The thing said. "I'm a Vampire! Fear me!"

The thing began rocking the cage back and forth violently, until the cage tipped over and crashed to the ground.

"This thing is not a Vampire." Umbridge said firmly. "This thing, is in fact, a pixie. Who was bitten by a Vampire."

"Wow. That explains a lot." Ron said.

"You see, these pixiepires are actually parasites who use their ridiculously good looks to attract seventeen year old emo girls to turn them into even more perfect versions of them so they could take over the world. However, they are really dumb, so it didn't really work."

"Yes it did!" The Pixie screamed, rolling around in his cage. "We have four books, we have a super special awesome fanbase made entirely of twelve year old girls, we have not one, but TWO movies detailing the elaborate details of love, and-"

"Yes yes yes, you're an idiot, we get it." Umbridge said. "Now. Any questions?"

"I have one." Hermione said, thrusting her hand in the air. "What the hell did it mean by 'books' and 'fanbases?'"

"Ah. Miss… Rowling isn't it?" Umbridge's eyes gleamed with pure evil as she glared at Hermione. "You see, whenever somebody critiques something on the internet, someone always responds with stupid comments about how they can't appreciate it. These morons are called fans. They defend everything, believing whatever entertainment form they use the most is the best for everyone."

"My name is Hermione."

"Some of these fans." Umbridge went on, "Are even so stupid as to write stories based on their favorite characters doing stupid things they wouldn't normally do, most of these things have to do with love, which is ridiculous."

Umbridge's face hardened.

"What angers me the most though." Umbridge went on. "Is when the author of the World's Best Selling Children's series is so stupid as to change her own fucking canon, to change the way things were going, so some stupid skank gets with her Hero."

"Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt. " Harry whispered.

"Oh my Rowling." Ron whispered.

"Holy shit!" Hermione screeched. "You're a… You're a…."

"That's right." Umbridge smiled, revealing her teeth, which were diamond studded with the words 'Harry/Hermione FOREVER.

The Pixie sparkled himself to death with his tears.

…

"You know, it's not that bad." Harry said, trying to reassure himself as well as his friends, while avoiding Hermione's eye. "So our teacher is one of those idiots who still think our canon pairings are stupid, I mean, it doesn't mean anything, right?"

"It does." Hermione said quietly. "Mary Sue's prescence here is breaking down the Fourth wall entirely. It's only a matter of time before we're overrun with OC's who want to help us stop Voldemort."

"It looks like we have to pay the Sue a visit. Here we go." Harry sighed.

The Golden Light shined on.

…

Not many people are aware of the Fifth and greatest founder of Hogwarts, Orpehloius Charatus. The other founders brilliance was like a candle flame compared to an incredibly bright star. While the other founder's were dealing with stupid issues, such as the whole 'Mudblood' controversay, Orpehlouis was riding his pet Crumple-Horned Snorkack through time and Space, learning magics unknown to past or future generations.

Eventually, however, he grew tired of all the bickering and abandoned the school for good. There are some stories that detail his meeting a woman of surpassing beauty and brilliance. In a letter sent back to his stupid friends, he detailed his brilliant findings. However, most of the letter was eaten by the nargles, and the Hogwarts Four only received part of the letter, which detailed his new job in the future as a magical naturalist, and how he met a woman as pretty and perfect and brilliant as him. They did not receive a name, yet they did get a snide hint that she 'loves good.'

Of course, Rowena Ravenclaw and Helga Hufflepuff were distraught that they would not be able to win over the perfect man over for themselves. So they killed themselves. Gryfindor and Slytherin went their separate ways, never to speak again on how they couldn't compete with a true genius.

It is extremely difficult to get sorted into Charatus house. You must fulfill a certain requirement: You must be perfect, and from another world. Although perfect students had passed through the school at points. (Most notably, Hermione Jean Granger) they did not fulfill the requirement of being from another universe.

That all changed when Mary Sue was sorted.

The Golden Trio started across the grounds and headed for the lake.

"Where is her dorm, anyway?" Ron asked.

"It's by the lake." Harry said.

"Actually, it's over the lake." Hermione said, pointing.

Charatus could not stand the Founders archeictual design of the castle (He felt it was too… canon.) so he built his own for his perfect student s to eat, sleep, and study all under his watch. However, he had never had any students who matched his brilliance, so he used his castle to throw giant parties that somehow always managed to only attract attractive women throughout time, and they always left feeling satisfied, if you know what I mean.

The castle was floating over the lake, supported by a giant rainbow cloud. The Golden Trio stopped walking lakeside.

"Now what?" Ron asked.

As if answering his question, a rainbow crafting itself into a giant spiral staircase right before their eyes.

"We climb." Harry said.

The climb was long, and yet the three made it. The Castle's front door had the legend "Unleash Your Imagination" written above it. Harry strained his mind to imagine the door opening, and it did.

…

The Golden Light illuminated the dark entrance hall, and the trio stared around at the bloodstained walls, the gothic chandelier, and the giant 666 posters hanging from the ceiling.

"She lives here?" Ron asked incredulously as the trio walked inside. "I never imagined her to be 'goffic."

"It's a sterotype." Hermione said, somewhat nervously. "Due to the fact this isn't a canon area in the wizarding world, I anticpate we'll meet several fourth wall breaches here… be on your guard."

They drew their wands, and continued across the hall, towards the upward bound stairs.

"Knowing these sue's, she's probably in the top of the highest tower." Hermione muttered.

"What the hell are you doing you motherfuckers!"

The Trio jumped in alarm and whirled around, to face none other then… Dumbledore!

"Fuck. Anymore jokes like that, and I'll kill myself." Ron grumbled.

"Who are you? Is there any way you can help me rid the world of those who oppose me? Nyeah nyeah nyeah."

"Crap. It's the fandom Dumbledore. Do we have to deal with the stereotypes of all our friends?" Harry asked.

"Probably." Hermione bit her lip, examining Dumbledore closely. "I think he's harmless."

The trio turned their backs to Dumbledore and continued on their merry way.

"Get back here!" Dumbledore screeched. The Golden Trio relucatantly turned around.

"Yes. It is you, Harry Potter. I thought it was you." Dumbledore said calmly. "I thought you'd come and ruin our plans."

"Damn right I am!" Harry said viciously. "I mean, all this shit that keeps going down all over the damn castle… it really pisses me off!"

"You will never be able to stop The Chosen One Harry. No matter what your master may think."

"What the fuck?" Harry asked. "Haven't you read The Half-Blood prince? I am the motherfucking chosen one. It's literally in my blood. And soul." He added, pointing to his scar. "Hope that's not considered a spoiler anymore…"

"Oh please." Dumbledore chuckled. "Yes, yes, yes. Jo Kathleen Rowling has proven that it is completely possible to fuck up a good story."

"Shit. A Rowling rant." Ron said.

"You see," Dumbledore began, "it all began way back in the nineties. A woman boarded a train, and suddenly an idea about a boy wizard simply 'fell into her head."

"Yeah. Because I'm just that awesome."

"This woman worked tirelessly for years outlining her ideas. Family trees, plot developments, spells, magical abilities, magical creatures, a school of magic, an entire world, all created by her hand. "

"You know, there is the theory that she didn't actually make it up, and that her real name is Hermione Granger?" Harry asked.

"Oh. That joke that made no sense makes sense now." Hermione said in surprise.

"Shut up, Jo."

"This woman created a world, and for five books, we believed she had created a perfect one. But alas. She had to fuck it up."

"Oh fuck, not again." Harry groaned.

"This woman could not show True Love. There her Hero had it staring at him in the face for years, and that boy ended up with a slut! You see, that boy ended up with… Ginny Weasley!"

"Oh yeah." Harry said sarcastically. "Having three boyfriends in two years is totally slutty, I mean, it's not like there are girls who go through a guy every two weeks… oh wait. There are. Don't give me your bullshit!"

"Oh please." Dumbledore scoffed. "Well, it doesn't change the fact that by the end of the series, you did not end up with her… the girl of your dreams…. Hermione Jean Granger!" And with that, he jabbed a finger towards Hermione.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, and began laughing.

"Stop it!" Dumbledore snapped. "Stop it!"

Harry and Hermione fell down on the floor, beating their hands against the ground and laughing.

With a shriek of rage, Dumbledore exploded. For some reason, only his blood began to spatter against the walls and on the Golden Trio.

"Ergh. OOC blood." Ron said, with disgust as he waved as wand and removed the mess.

"Well? Should we continue?"

"Let's go."

The Trio climbed the stairs.

"Hang on." Harry stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"Unleash your Imagination. Hang on." Harry strained his mind, and suddenly an elevator appeared.

"Brilliant, Harry!" Hermione said, as she stepped inside.

"Brilliant." Ron Chortled as he stepped inside as well. "Closest thing to sounding British since the story started."

The elevator shot upwards with incredible force, and the Golden Trio were thrown to the ground.

The Trio screamed as the Elevator rocketed upward, smashing through floors, and came to a stop so sudden, the trio were thrown to the ceiling.

"Boss fight, Lady and Gentleman." Ron said, and the three opened the door.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" How do you like that, you bitch!" Mary Sue cackled as she smacked a teenager with a whip.

"Uh, are we interrupting something here?" Ron asked.

The Sue turned around.

"Oh what the fuck! It's those bloody canon characters!" She screamed. "Shit. I wasn't expecting you for another 2,000 words!"

"It's over, Mary Sue." Harry said, stepping forward. "Leave our world now, or face our wrath."

"Why would I leave?" Mary Sue asked, shaking her beautiful head. "I'm happy here."

"Unlike in real life." Ron said loudly. Hermione giggled.

"Now really!" Mary Sue said angrily. "First you skip all the clever and hilarious challenges based on bad fanfiction I set for you by using a Deus Ex Machina, then you barge in on me during my fun, and now you insult me!"

"Well, you do kind of deserve it." The teenager said. "Just to be clear, she's just torturing me. Nothing sexual here!"

"Oh shut up." Mary Sue said, as she smacked him with the whip again. "Now, where was I?"

"Why would I leave?"

"Oh yes." Mary Sue cleared her throat. "Why would I leave? I'm happy here. People do what I want, when I want them to do it. It's paradise, and I love it!"

"Oh. Is that all?" Harry asked, disappointed. "I was sort of hoping for a tragic speech on how Mary Sue's are typically really unhappy in real life, and how they use the character to vent personal wishes and frustrations. I was willing to feel sorry for you. Now I can see you're just a bitch."

"Hear hear." Ron and Hermione said.

"Enough!" Mary Sue shouted. The entire tower shook. "Who are you to taunt me, the Perfect almighty beautiful queen of the Universe… Mary Sue! I am the only one of my kind, everyone loves me, and those who don't end up either dying or loving me! I am invincible! Bwahaha-"

"Actually," Hermione said. "You are wrong."

"What?" Mary Sue asked.

"What?" Harry asked.

"What?" Ron asked. "Jo, you don't have to point this stuff out."

"Great." The teenager said, shaking his head. "I knew this was coming…"

"I can't be wrong!" Mary Sue raged. "This entire universe is my plaything! I have sex here, I feed off bleed here, I defeat evil overlords here! I personally believe you are simply jealous!"

"I was merely pointing out the fact that you are not the only Mary Sue in this universe." Hermione said.

"Oh shit!" Ron said.

"Wow." Harry said. "This is going to be good. Time for the shades!" Harry reached into his pocket, pulled out two pairs of sunglasses, and handed one to Ron. "Cheers." Harry said. The two looked like some badass motherfuckers with those totally shitting pimping bitches on that fucking pimping faces. "Now Mary Sue… I believe you will soon be…" Harry thrust his fist forward, and rotated his thumb downward. "Rejected!"

"What is this madness!" Mary Sue wailed. "How can there be a Sue? Only my fans from ff . net can enter my world!"

"I am the Mary Sue." Hermione said.

"Oh fuck!"

Hermione's fist flew so fast toward the Sue's face that mere words cannot describe how totally bitching it was. Mary Sue was slammed against the surface of the moon so hard, a crater about 50 miles in circumference was formed.

Hermione jumped and prepared to elbow drop the Sue, but the Sue dodged, grabbed her leg, and swung her round, and threw her toward the sun.

Hermione used her sue powers to conjure a giant pole sticking out of Mercury, which she grabbed and used to fling herself back to the Sue with an almighty kick.

The Sue had jumped again, and the two flew towards each other for about a second, despite all the dramatic time freezing, and slammed into each other with force. Hermione had blocked the punch, and the Sue the kick, so they kept twisting themselves in midspace, trying to kick their opponent's ass. Hermione kicked tried to kick the Sue twice, and the Sue responded by grabbing her legs. Hermione twisted her body through her legs and began punching the Sue's stomach.

The Sue gasped in pain as Hermione's speed of light punches contacted with her harder than rock abs. The Sue released Hermione, and shot fire out of mouth like a dragon. Hermione's eyes widened as she kicked the Sue to produce the force necessary to escape, but she did not avoid getting burned.

Hermione landed gracefully on her feet on Mars. She searched the sky for Mary Sue, but could not find her anywhere.

Hermione frowned.

"Star Death!" A voice screamed. A giant beam of light struck Hermione, and she was knocked into the center of the Planet as it exploded.

Hermione was thrust into space again, and thankfully landed on Venus. Hermione gasped as she sat down to catch her breath.

"Had enough?" Mary Sue asked smugly, as she descended from the Heavens. "You know you can't beat me!" Mary Sue brought her leg back for a kick, but was shocked to find Hermione behind her, holding her leg.

"Nope." Hermione smirked. "I haven't even been warmed up!"

Hermione threw the Sue and jumped. The next thing Sue knew was she was about constantly attacked from various angles by Hermione.

"Take this, ya skank!" Hermione screamed. Another punch. Sue felt herself tearing through space, before she could get her bearings, she was slammed again into another planet.

However, Sue would not be defeated that easily.

"Oh haha." Sue said as she flew lazily towards Hermione. "I can fly, you can't. I'm better, so there! I haven't even shown you my true power yet... Star Death!"

At pointblank range, Hermione slowly raised her hand and blocked the attack. The shock wave caused a giant energy ripple of sorts, one of Jupiter's Moons was shattered into a million pieces.

"What? How are you…"

"I'm not giving it my all yet either." Hermione said calmly.

"So. You truly wish to challenge me then? So be it." Mary Sue screwed up her face and started screaming. "_"

Hermione waited as Sue kept screaming and screaming. Power was coming from her now: Rainbows, unicorns, and puppies could all be seen emanating from the sue.

After a whole 20 hours of this, the Sue finally stopped screaming.

"Ha! You see this power? I shall destroy you with it!"

"I doubt it." Hermione said. For that, she was punched in the face.

She didn't budge.

"What… What the fuck?" The Mary Sue gasped.

"Pathetic." Hermione said.

"Die! Die die die die die die!" Mary Sue screamed as she slammed her fists in Hermione's stomach… Only to pull back in pain as they contacted her abs.

Hermione reached up and poked Mary Sue in the chest with her finger.

Mary Sue screamed as she was slammed through another moon, and struggled to gain control of her flight path.

After several minutes, the Sue regained control of her flight.

"You little… bitch!" The Sue screeched. She charged her power as she charged Hermione again.

The Sue brought her fist back and prepared to put all her magic behind her punch… but Hermione brought up her fist and knocked her off balance.

Staggering, Mary Sue brought up her hands and called forth the power from within:

"Ultima Rainbow Star Death!" She screamed.

Hermione was blasted backwards, towards a familiar blue planet. Hermione gracefully landed on her feet, and looked around at Harry and Ron's awestruck faces.

"That was…" Harry started, but was interrupted by Ron's scream.

"Holy Shit, Hermione, that is really hot. Will you marry me?"

"Not yet Ronald." Hermione said wistfully as she stared at the sky. "It's not over yet."

Mary Sue descended from the sky a second time, looking extremely frustrated.

"Damn, you stupid bitch. Why don't you just lie down and die?" The Sue grumbled as she hovered about the Tower.

"Hey, I do my best." Hermione shrugged.

"Well, you'll have to do your best without your little friends!" Mary Sue said, as she charged Harry. Hermione jumped in front of him and blocked the punch.

"How dare you threaten them?" Hermione whispered.

"Hermione, no. It's not worth it." Harry said.

"What?" Hermione said, looking around in shock.

"Hee, hee, hee. This should be good." The Teenager giggled.

"Hermione, she's just a girl with no talents and no friends. You can't let what she says about you over the internet take over your life."

"Hermione," Ron said. "I love you. But I think Harry has a point. Fanfiction really doesn't mean anything. Nothing at all. It's only the canon that truly matters."

…

After the Sue entered her one winged angel form, a deus ex machina appeared and allowed the trio to defeat her somewhat easily. Due to the fact that I am lazy and haven't worked on this story in months, I can't be bothered to tell you what it was, or how they used it to defeat her. Anyway, the end of the school year came, and the trio boarded the Hogwarts express to head home.

"Seriously guys. It was obvious to everyone with a brain you were going to get together. Stop underlining it and putting it in bold." Harry said flatly.

Hermione pulled her lips away from Ron's to sneer at Harry. "You're just jealous!"

"Thank you, captain obvious." Harry said. "Now if you will excuse me, I will step off this train and head back to my abusive foster parents in a lonely and dejected manner, for I am single."

"Damn it, Harry. This is ridiculous. Stop being such an asshole and get a girl!" Ron said, before he began frenching with Hermione again.

"Nice to know that sex really does ruin friendships." Harry muttered as he left the compartment. "What is the best way to get back at them?"

Harry walked through the corridors in a daze, barely noticing any of the creations of J.K. Rowling. Having two best friends who were sleeping together was incredibly annoying.

Harry decided that the best thing to do was become a vampire. That way, Hermione would fall in love with him, he would eat her, and then she would eat Ron, therefore they would be the undead vampire golden trio, and have awesome vampire adventures for all eternity. Before Harry could pull out his wand and slash his wrists, a nearby compartment door opened.

"Dammit Harry! Don't be such a emo fuck!"

"Cedric, you are not the best guy to convince me not to commit suicide."

"Oh shut up." Cedric snarled.

"Oh hey, Cedric. What time is it? Around Twilight? When's the next New moon? I want to go see Professor Lupin after his transformation to cheer him up. I was thinking of taking him up to where the sun never sets, a Midnight Sun, you know? That way he wouldn't have to deal with Eclipse's or Breaking Dawn's or whatever the fuck he has problems with."

Cedric glared at Harry.

"You know, I changed my mind. Fuck you." With that, Cedric slammed the door in Harry's face.

Harry was slightly cheered by goading Cedric, so he decided to go around making obnoxious comments like that to all of his Hogwarts friends.

"Susan, punch your dad in the face for me. He ruined Percy Jackson. What a fucktard."

"Oh, hello Professor McGonnagall. You know, I'm rather glad you weren't in charge of the choir in the third movie. I don't fancy seeing you dress up like a nun."

"Marcus Belby. You are a beast. RIP."

"Oh, Hagrid. I heard James Bond kicked your ass. Enough said."

"Luna, I don't care that this is a first year story and I haven't met you yet. I just need to tell you that the author believes you are super mega foxy awesome hot, and he totally wants you. Yeah, he's like, totally in love with you and shit. So yeah. Message him please."

"Lauren. High five. Still want to go to pigfarts?"

"Dan, just between you and me… keep your clothes on."

"Emma, you dropped out of college? Way to stay in character, you stupid bitch."

"Seamus, Dan told me that you went through like, ten wands in the course of filming the movies. You are a fucking background character. What the fuck do you do with those things? Maybe I don't wanna know…."

"Hey, Dumbledore, check out this clip of some guy named Alan Rickman falling off a building in this movie called 'Die Hard!' Do me a favor and show it to Snape, okay? I think he'd find it hiliarious."

"Sirius. Clowns suck. That is all."

"Dan, I'm coming back for you because I hate you. You voiced a fucking vampire on the greatest show ever. How could you?"

Harry eventually ran out of actor allusions due to his lack of movie watching expertise. So he was forced to head back to his compartment out of sheer boredom.

But then, someone jumped out at him! It was…. Cho Chang!

Ron stuck his head out of the compartment and winked.

"Sorry, Harry/Hermione shippers. I'm not going to kill myself."

"I wouldn't let you." Hermione purred. "Now put your wand inside me!"

Ron ducked his head back inside and Hermione began to moan. Cho and Harry looked at each other.

"Err…" Harry waved his wand and the door closed. "Right."

"What's with all these eleven year olds having sex?" Cho asked. "It's not cool. It's just stupid."

"Yeah, I think so too. Want to suck my cock?"

"What?"

"Want to take a walk?" Harry repeated.

"Sorry Harry, but the Potter mania is over now. I'm after a real man!" With that, Cho flounced into Cedric's apartment.

"Wow. Whatta bitch."

…

"Wow. Whatta woman." Harry rounded on Ron. "Dammit Ron! Why didn't you tell me you had a hot sister?"

Ron glared at Harry, but did not break the kiss with his one true ship. Lavender Brown. Just kidding.

It was Ginny.

Just kidding.

It was Umbridge.

Just kidding.

"So yeah." Harry turned back to Ginny. "Want to go out? Note how I am actually polite in this scenario, unlike in canon where I force myself on you."

"Oh shut up. You'll just convince more people of whole 'Ginny spiked Harry with love potion! Theory. YES! FUCK YES! I'D LOVE TO GO OUT WITH YOU!"

"Cool." Harry said. "See you next year!"

And with that, Harry ended his first year at Hogwarts.

THE END

I would like to stress that unlike J.K. Rowling's work of pure fantasy, the complete and utter bullshit you see above actually happened.

I would like to inform you that I officially copyright the term 'Golden Trio.' This means that I completely and legally own the term. If the term is used in any fanfiction with out permission, you shall face dire consequences. Namely, Having your story deleted. I am taking steps to insure much harsher punishments however. Except Dementors to be sucking out souls of those who oppose me soon. And for now, I rest.

Well, actually, I promised myself I wouldn't quit until I reached 10,000 words, so I think I'll type a bit more before I go to bed. Yeah, this story is awesome isn't it? I was on so many drugs and doing so many chicks, it was ridiculous.

Fin.

A/N: Yeah, reading through the Girl Who Loved Again, I'm shocked by how slowly the pace was going. So I'm thinking of rebooting the story so it skips all the character development and plot twists, and go right to where I think it should have been right now.

Keep an eye out for The Girl Who Loved Returns. I'll see you all then.


	5. The Girl Who Loves

A/N: Hey guys. I just thought I'd like to let you know that the following story is in fact a parody, and not a reflection on how I see the world. I have attempted to post this story elsewhere, and I have never claimed that it was a joke before. As a result, I have been assuaulted by the fandom for the words that follow. I do not belive I will ever continue the story, but I'd like to hear people tell me how what worked and what didn't.

The original story has added authors notes where I came up with a whole bunch of lies on where I get my inspiration from. If you're interested in that, or the original reviews, the original story is still on this site, under my profile.

...

Flower Potter was the happiest girl in the whole world.

It was kind of hard not to be, as Flower believed everything in her life to be perfect. She had fantastic friends who loved to praise her, an Aunt and Uncle who let her get away with murder, and a cousin she loved dearly.

Flower had a perfect life that was for sure. And she knew the reason why.

She was perfect.

…

Flower was lying in her secret lair, a closet under the stairs, getting high off speed and ecstasy while studying for her Calculus Six final.

Flower sighed as she turned the page of her book. It was extremely boring to read something you had known since the age of four. However, she had to review to make sure she hadn't forgotten any crucial details. Which, admittedly, was kind of a joke, as Flower never forgot anything.

Flower's mind drifted to money. Dudley and Flower had already gone through their allowances, mostly spent on various drugs and the occasional Snickers bar, and Flower honestly had no idea how to make more.

Flower wondered how hard it would be to graduate high school early and get a job. It would probably be easy for her school work related, but it might be difficult to get through the fact that she wasn't eighteen yet. Flower was reluctant to admit to herself that most children her age were insane and incredibly stupid. Most of them were still virgins, for The Author's sake! Flower sighed again, and threw the textbook against the wall. Sleep would be good. She might even lose a tooth in her sleep and get some money from the Tooth fairy.

…

Flower woke up the next morning feeling somewhat groggy, yet she went outside and did a thousand pushups, just like any other morning. It wasn't until she was in the shower soaking off all the sweat, did she realize what day it was.

Dudley's birthday.

And she spent all of her money on drugs, again!

Flower was furious with herself.

Every year, she always forgot to get Dudley something on his birthday. It was kind of pathetic, actually. Flower always had to run to a store and get quickly. And now she had forgotten: Again!

Flower realized very quickly that her lack of money at the moment was a huge issue. If she couldn't buy anything, then she couldn't get Dudley his present. If he didn't get his present, he may get mad at her. And if he got mad, he might not let her share all of the cocaine and heroin that was lying in his closet.

Flower reached an incontrovertible decision. To get Dudley's present on time, she would have to abuse her… abilities.

…

DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH.

…

Flower ran to the nearest toy store three miles away in six minutes. She dashed inside, looking around for something Dudley would like. Her eyes fell on a Playstation 360. She shook her head and laughed. She moved on to the newest Nintendo system, which pretty much owned the competition due to the fact that it actually plays games and doesn't have a fixed bug in the programming that forces you to buy a new one after a year. She nodded.

At once, the glass slid aside, and Flower grabbed the system, looking around anxiously. She headed for the exit.

She did not pay!

…

Flower tossed the box in with all of Dudley's other presents and sat down at the kitchen table. Her aunt Petunia smiled at her as she heaped a generous pile of bacon on Flower's plate.

"Here you go, dear. Eat up!"

"Thank you." Flower said politely, before devouring the delicious bacon.

Her Uncle Vernon chuckled.

"Thatta girl. Take what you can get away with and be polite about it. Remember that."

Flower rolled her eyes. Vernon said that every morning, for some reason.

"Where's Dudley?" Flower asked.

"Still in bed." Petunia answered. "He needs his rest if he wants to enjoy his big day!"

…

After a very enjoyable breakfast, Flower and Dudley went through all of his presents, much to their excitement. Dudley absolutely loved his new Video game system ("Wait until my friends hear that I have a video game system that actually has fun games to play!") And Flower was very interested in Dudley's life size remote control tank, which fired balls of bubble wrap so hard it could give someone a concussion.

All Flower wanted to do at this point was to go upstairs and get high off of Dudley's stash of Heroin, but unfortunately, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had other plans.

"We're going to the zoo!" Aunt Petunia cheerfully reminded Flower as she was trying to sneak upstairs. "Get ready!"

Flower groaned. Like most incredibly mature children, Dudley and Flower absolutely hated doing this kid stuff.

But… Piers was going to be there…

"Cool. I'll get ready." Flower said, smiling at Petunia, before she turned and skipped down the stairs.

A whole day with Piers… Hmm… It could be fun. Where there any good places to do it quickly and quietly in a zoo? Flower could not think of such a place: She would burn that bridge as she passed it, or whatever that saying was.

...

Flower bit her lip and tugged at her collar while unsubtly uncrossing her legs when Piers entered the room. Of course, being Piers, he just smiled at her. What a fuckhead.

Dudley frowned at Piers. Flower reminded herself that Piers was Dudley's friend, not hers, and she should stay out of their way for a while, at least until Piers initiated contact. Then she would have some real fun. Hehehehehehe….

Flower contented herself to sexual daydreams on the ride over to the Zoo, staring out the window imagining Piers using superpowers to clone himself and surround her, and hold her down and rip off her clothes with a knife and try to force himself on her. She would resist of course, but in the end…

Flower was jolted out of her fantasy by the fact that they had arrived.

….

Flower wandered around the Zoo by herself, eating a gigantic cone of expensive ice cream the Dursleys had bought her. Dudley and Pier's had gone off on their own, so Aunt Petunia gave Flower permission to run around on her own.

Flower was disappointed in the lack of boys around, however. It was a school day, after all. So she contented herself with looking for areas where she could be alone with Piers for a half an hour or so. Those bushes were too close to the path. Flower didn't know the chances of an employee walking in on them in an emplyee's only area. And someone was bound to notice someone of the wrong gender in a public bathroom.

Flower was at a loss of what to do as she glanced at the lion's den.

Then she remembered her powers.

She examined the Lion's area more closely. The rock was big enough to hide behind. Flower could use her powers to bend the bars wide enough for a opening, close it, use her powers to prevent the lions from eating her and Piers while they did it, and then rush outside before anybody noticed anything wrong.

The only thing wrong with this plan as far as Flower could see was Piers seeing her powers in action, which Flower was somewhat nervous about. Flower quickly reached the conclusion that she should look for a better spot, but would use this one if it proved necessary.

Flower sprinted back to the Reptile house to see if Piers was back yet. He wasn't, so Flower used her powers to talk to the Snakes.

Flower absolutely adored Snakes, if only because she had the ability to converse with them. Most of them were really very nice if you talked to them for a while.

She was discussing the finer points of Beethoven's fifth symphony with a Python from the Amazon when a tap came to her shoulder. She turned around with a bright smile, expecting Piers lips to meet hers… But instead she received a punch to the face. Flower was slammed against the floor, and she gazed up at her attacker in horror.

It was….. ….. …. Mary Sue!

Mary Sue was Flower's polar opposite. Ugly and fucked up in the head, she went around telling everyone she was beautiful and intelligent and stuff. Flower honestly could not stand her and longed for her to get the fuck out of her life. However, Mary Sue considered Flower a rival of sorts, so she constantly failed to harass and ridicule Flower.

"Hello, you ugly, drug addicted, skank." Mary Sue said, staring down at Flower with ill disguised glee.

"It's not an addiction if you can quit whenever you want. And I'm not a skank. I do it for the pleasure, not the money, fuckface."

Mary Sue grinned. "Oh, I doubt that very much."

Flower sighed. Using her martial arts skills she was born with, she launched herself into the air and kicked Mary Sue in the face. The Sue went staggering backwards. Flower took the opportunity to turn around and remove the glass from the windows using her powers. She called the snake forth, and it obeyed, slithering quickly.

"Kill." Flower said quietly.

The Snake bit Mary Sue three times. By now people were screaming.

"In the cage, or they'll kill you." Again, the Snake obeyed. Flower replaced the glass and stared dispassionately at Mary Sue.

"This is what you get when you mess with your betters, you silly bitch." Flower said coldly. She kicked her. "I'm better then you. I will always be better then you. Telling yourself otherwise was just a form of delusion." Flower kicked her twice more. Mary Sue looked like she was trying to say something, but the words wouldn't come out of her dying mouth. "Have fun in hell, asshole!" Flower smashed Mary Sue's face with her foot, and the last light left Mary Sue's eyes. Satisfied, Flower walked out of the Reptile house, looking for a bathroom to wash her shoes clean of all the blood.

…

Flower grinned maliciously as she observed the scene at the Reptile house from a distance.

The body had been removed. Flower had watched from her position leaning against a wall. Now the cops had arrived and were questioning witnesses.

Flower was not worried about being caught. In the real world, pretty little girls can get away with anything, which is the main reason why Fanfiction. Net writers typically cannot get away with shit. Flower reasoned that the cops would just decide that the crowd had killed Mary Sue and arrest them all. Flower decided to find the Dursley's quickly so they could leave before someone decided Vernon, with his gigantic mustache and kindly face, was accused of being the murderer.

Flower raised her hand and rotated her thumb downward, giving off a thumbs down sign to the spot where she had murdered Mary Sue. She then skipped away from the wall, towards the gift shop.

Flower smiled as she noticed Piers, who was ripping apart a giant stuffed blue hedgehog into tiny bits.

"And that was for having such a shitty VA." Piers said, as he ripped the Hog's head off.

Just then, Master Chief, the world's most overrated video game protagonist, walked in front of Piers.

Piers looked up, and laughed.

"Hey, it's that guy!" Piers said, standing up. "Hey buddy! What's it like to be in a video game franchise that completely blows? You've had like… what…" Piers frowned in mock concentration. "No good games, right?"

Master Chief nodded.

"I was hoping you, Piers Polkiss, would inform me on how to become a good video game hero."

"Answer: You can't!" Piers said with glee, as he decapitated Master Chief with his lightsaber. "I'm sorry, but Halo fans are so full of shit, you really don't deserve to live. Everyone knows COD is better anyway. It has Captain Price, for the Author's sake!"

"Ahem." Flower coughed as she thrust out her eleven year old chest and prepared her sultriest smile.

"Oh!" Piers smile faded as he saw it was Flower. "Flower! Ummm… What's up?"

"I'll tell you what's up." Flower said seductively, walking slowly nearer to piers with tiny steps. "You just murdered an overrated video game hero in cold blood." She licked her lips. "Even though the fans will insist that would never be possible."

"Light sabers can cut through anything." Piers said dismissively. "If those fucks think that Master Chief was immune to Light sabers, then they've never read this fanfic."

"Hmmm." Flower said, stroking the side of Pier's face. "You have blood on your cheek. Here, let me get that." She leaned closer, and began sucking Master Chief's blood off of Pier's face. Pier's shoved her off.

"Come on, Flower." He complained. "At least let me take a shower first."

"No!" Flower protested. "I want you in me right now!"

"What's all this?" Vernon asked, as the Dursley's came into view. Piers and Flower looked at each other, flushed, and looked away quickly.

"Ah, nothing!" Flower squeaked.

"Nothing at all." Piers said, more smoothly.

Vernon's eyes narrowed.

A girl was murdered in the reptile house today. Flower, I told you to stop killing people you don't like."

"But the only people I don't like are total fuckwads!" Flower said defensively. "They deserve to die!"

Vernon sighed. "Very well. If I really can't stop you." He turned to Dudley. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, let's leave." Dudley said quietly.

Suddenly, an ANYMOUS REVIEWOR DROPPED OUT OF NOWHERE INSULTING MY BRILLIANT CREATIONS BECAUSE HE CAN NOT GET LAID.

"Shot gun, please, Dudley." Flower said politely.

Dudley handed his Shotgun to Flower, and she shot the reviewer, killing him instantly.

"Maybe if you washed your hair, you might have gotten laid last year, when you were eleven!" Mary Sue snarled. She turned to Vernon. "I'm ready, let's go."

Flower spent the entire car ride home trying to figure out a way to sneak Piers into the house so they could do some hardcore drugs like Cocaine and Morphine while they had awesome child sex that fuckwads like Charlie Sheen would pay millions of dollars to watch on film. The last time Flower had gotten laid was when before school let out on Tuesday, which was nearly two days ago. She needed relief, damn it. Someone to make her feel les s then perfect. Someone who was willing to hit her, and call her his bitch.

None of these plans came to fruition, however. Piers just went home. He promised to masturbate to her yearbook photo before he went to sleep, though. That should count for something. Flower wondered when she would see him again.

Flower smoked a little pot as she reviewed her essay on why Japanese people are actually hellspawn from another dimension bent on destroying us kind hearted normal people by shitting out ridiculous technology and bullshit animated TV shows and unbelievably awful comic books, which were even more awful then their American counterparts.

She shouldn't have bothered, as all of her sources, citations, and facts were completely correct.

Just then, an owl slammed into her bedroom window. Flower sighed and put down her essay to go put the bird out of it's misery.

It turned out to be carrying a letter. Flower examined the letter warily as the bird roasted over her fire.

Dear Ms. Potter,

You have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery. You have met all of our ridiculous qualifications. Only the very best are allowed to attend our presitigous school, and we are very pleased to accept you into our ranks.

I would also like to congratulate you into being accepted as one of the Top ten freshmen being brought in this year. This means that some standard rules, such as curfew, the ban on sexual intercourse, ban on out of school visits, requirement to do typical homework assignments, and standard uniform will not be compulsory for you, as long as your remain extremely pretty and pass all of your tests.

However, you may be asked to do some work for the administration. These jobs vary slightly, but we are sure someone of your skill can handle them excellently.

Term begins on September First. Your Rocket ship ticket is enclosed with this letter. I look forward to meeting you in person.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape,

Co- Deputy Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery.

Flower was so caught up in the elaborateness of the prank that she nearly let the bird burn. She hastily yanked it off the fire and munched on it while scanning her book list.

She had heard never heard of Hogwarts. It was odd, because most Elite private schools that tried to recruit her into their ranks at least were super famous. But Hogwarts was an unknown. How strange.

That probably meant it was a Multi-billion dollar school. That meant lots of rich boys would be there. Rich guys were always super hot.

It looked like Flower was about to get laid… and love every second of it.

Suddenly, another owl came tapping on her window. Flower didn't want seconds, but she killed it anyway and stuffed it in her personal refridegarator and examined her new letter.

Dear Ms. Potter,

I would like to inform you that you are going to die in the next chapter. You see, I am going to kill you if you do not follow my instructions explicitly. Firstly, I want you to transfer all of your money into my Gringotts account. Then, I want you to drop out of Hogwarts. Or, alternatively, somehow get a scar across your face that diminishes your beauty. Then-

Flower rolled her eyes and threw the paper into the trash can. It must be the owl version of spam. She resolved to use her powers to set up a literal fire wall outside her window to keep unwanted letters out.

She munched on her owl, thinking about Hogwarts. What was this school? Would it actually teach things or just ask stupid rhetorical questions that the teachers did not know the answer too? Were the teachers hot? Flower amused herself for a minute, imagining other girls having intercourse with a teacher that looked sort of like Link of Zelda fame who kept giving them D's and C's. Flower of course was ranked A-plus. The teacher smiled at her and invited her to come back later. Hmm… That would be nice. He would have chains and whips and call her his bitch, like a real man should.

…

The next morning, Flower ate her second owl, cursing the Greek goddess of Wisdom for being a stupid, ignorant bitch. She did some crack , and went outside for a run.

She ran ten miles in fifteen minutes, which was good, but not her best. Flower reasoned that the drugs must be finally getting to her.

Flower noticed a sparkling man brooding while a emo girl pressed against him, whining into his ear. Figuring this was some kind of ridiculous stunt for some sort of charity, Flower went to check it out.

"But I want to be a vampire!" The girl whined. "Eddie, please. Stick your penis into me. Or make me immortal, I don't care which."

"You want to be a monster, like me?" Eddie asked.

"You're not a monster! You're beautiful! I want to be like you!" Isabella simpered, plastering against him, fluttering her eyelashes. "Besides, I'm really good in bed. Rawr!"

"Hm." Flower said. "This is really good acting. So let me get this straight. The gay guy is a vampire, and still in a closet somewhere. The girl doesn't care about him, but she does want immortality and to fuck a gay guy."

"You stupid bitch!" Isabella snarled. "I care about him!"

"Please." Flower scoffed. "Your body language says otherwise."

"You…" Isabella grimaced. "Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"

"What?" Flower asked, blinking rapidly. "Why are you challenging me to Moral Kombat? I just gave my opinion on what your acting was saying about your character."

"We're not acting." Eddie said quietly.

Flower face palmed. "Shit."

"Round one." Eddie said as he stepped back from the combatants. "Fight."

Flower flexed her muscles. "A pansy emo girl who can't live without a man, eh? This is going to be easier then that time I killed Navi in Ocarina of Time."

Isabella slammed her fist into Flower's face so hard it knocked two of her teeth out. Flower staggered for a moment, but regained her balance. She raised her hand to her face to feel the blood coming from her mouth.

"Ow. Shit. Good thing those teeth were coming out, anyway." Flower muttered as she got into her fighting stance. "Oi! How the fuck did an emo chick get so tough, anyway? Emo's are pathetic people who refuse to stick up for themselves or improve themselves in any way."

Isabella laughed. "Bitch." She rushed Flower and smacked her across the face. Flower was reeling as Isabella delivered an uppercut, knocking Flower to the ground.

"Winner: Isabella." Eddie said as Isabella waved and smiled. Flower jumped up to her feet and prepared herself. "Round Two: Begin."

Isabella tried to rush Flower again, but Flower was ready for her this time. One jab in the face. Grab. Several attacks to the stomach. She's out!

"Flower wins. Round three."

"You stupid bitch!" Isabella screamed. She leapt to her feet and began rotating in midair. She stuck out her leg and attempting to smash Flower into it.

But Flower was done with this shit.

She grabbed Isabella's leg and slammed her into the ground. Isabella screamed as every bone in her face was broken into a thousand pieces. Flower threw her into the air, and she landed with a loud thump. Isabella moaned as she got to her feet.

"Finish her!" Eddie commanded. Flower nodded.

"I'm going to kill you, you stupid bitch." Flower said coldly. "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, right, Low Punch, High punch, Select, start!"

The sky darkened as Flower prepared her finishing move. She pulled Flowers out of her pocket and handed them to Isabella.

"For you." Flower said with a smile.

"FRIENDSHIP. FRIENDSHIP."

"AHHHHHH. RRLY?" Isabella asked, her misshapen face twisted into something that tried to be a smile. THnx, Sis!"

"No problem. You deserve them." Flower said as Isabella made a grab for the Flowers.

Suddenly, the flowers opened and something small flew out and into Isabella's mouth.

"Oh." Flower said, her smile widening. "I forgot that was in there!"

"Wht did u du!" Isabella said, something like panic in her messed up voice.

Suddenly, Isabella winced in pain. Something Snakelike was creating a giant hole in her skin. Before long, there were thousands of them, devouring every edible bit of Isabella from the inside out.

"Oops." Flower said with glee. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" Eddie came as he came striding over. "You, my friend, have lifted her curse on me! You have given me courage! I shall now go and admit to my family that I am in love with Jake!"

"Yeah, that's the thing, no you're not." Flower said as she shoved him into Isabella's skeleton. Eddie screamed as her parasites moved onto his body, and devoured him in absence of their original host's flesh.

"Ah, murdering homosexuals. I love community service."

With that, Flower headed home, wondering whether Dudley had any Cocaine left in his stash.

Flower adjusted her sniper scope as she aimed her rifle down at the anonymous reviewers, a group of fucked up assholes who had nothing better to do then attack her for absolutely no reason other than the fact they were incredibly jealous of her perfection and ass kicking skills.

Flower was stoned out of her mind, but she knew this was the right thing to do. She killed every single one of those bastards quickly and mercilessly.

She then had really, really, satisfying sex with the one guy who praised her. His penis was over 5 feet long, and Flower was reasonably pleased with his performance.

After one of the best fucks she had ever experienced, Flower went home to get high again, but she was stopped by… … … Mary Sue!

"Son of a bitch!" Flower swore angrily. "What the fuck! I killed you the other day! What are you doing back here?"

Mary Sue flipped her overtly long and unwashed hair over her shoulder in an obnoxious manner.

"Ha." Mary Sue said calmly. "You see, Flower, I am a stereotype of a well known group of young girls on the internet. As long as one of these girls refuse to get a life, I will always come back to challenge you."

"Doubtful." Flower said coldly. "You'll get sick of being killed soon, I very much think."

"Hee. Hee. Hee." Mary Sue said. "Like you said, doubtful."

Flower shot Mary Sue.

Mary Sue died.

Flower gained 23 EXP!

Flower gained a level!

Flower learned attract!

"Oh fuck yes."

Flower walked the rest of the distance home, pleased with the results of her battle with Mary Sue.

"If she ever fucks with me again…" Flower said. She then grabbed a nearby house and threw it into the stratosphere. "I'll kill her again." Flower finished, with a dramatic flair.

When Flower arrived at Number four, Privet Drive, Dudley was waiting for her in the front lawn.

"Wassup, Diddy?" Flower asked lazily.

"Flower, are you really leaving to go to that fancy private school?"

"Duh. Why not? Lots of drugs on campus, I hear. They even grow some in the greenhouses!" Flower looked at Dudley. "Why?"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"I doubt that." Flower scoffed, as she tried to push past Dudley to head inside. But a sort of force field activated, and pushed her back.

"What the hell?" Flower asked. She leaned in to investigate, but Dudley stopped her with an outstretched hand.

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Ah, fuck you, man." Flower said as she tried to push past the force field. However, it did not appear to have any weak spots. "What the hell is this?"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Dude, Danger is my bitch. Terrible danger is my lover. Stop fucking with me, okay?" Flower snapped as she tried to use her galaxy crushing powers to break through the force field. However, it had no effect. Flower accurately predicted that her powers had teleported elsewhere to blow something else up.

Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far, far, away…

A giant orb that had absolutely no practicality as a weapon despite it's immense size and intimidation was destroyed for no apparent reason.

Episode IV through VI of Star Wars have now never happened. This means that the franchise is even more awful then it was before.

However, Galaxy battles: The Legend of Jar Jar Binks is now regarded as the greatest movie ever made. Better then Avatar, at least.

Back to Flower…

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Why do you keep saying that?" Flower asked, turning to towards Dudley. "I do not believe it means what you think it means."

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted. Flower punched him in the face. Dudley went reeling and fell to the floor. He sat up and said, with his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

Flower was pissed.

"Fuck you ! Fuck you! Fuck you!" She screamed. "Let me in the house, dammit!"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain.

Flower turned around to leave, only there was a force field blocking her exit as well.

"Son of a bitch!"

"If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

Flower belted out the Elder swear as she launched herself at Dudley, pinning him to the ground as she broke every single bone in his body, tore his muscles, and scarred him for life.

"Must-Not-Leave."

"No! No! I'm leaving! It's impossible to get laid here, there's hardly any drug dealers, I can't get a proper education so I can purify the world, and people like Stephenie Meyer are considered amazing people. Good bye!" Flower got up and tried to leave. The Force Field was still there. Flower turned around, and Dudley was back on his feet, perfectly healthy and fine.

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"FINE! FINE!" Flower shrieked. The Lightning her rage spawned destroyed half of the block. The residents looked around like something interesting had just happened. "I'll stay! Happy?"

"Whoo." Dudley said, smiling. "That was a close call. Anyway, I know it's a hard decision to make, but people at that school are really violent and stupid. You know, the typical rich kid."

"Yeah yeah." Flower said dismissively.

"Anyway," Dudley continued. "Family bonding time!"

"SON OF A BITCH!" Flower screamed. "You have got to be fucking with me!"

The Dursleys, kind, gentle, and thoughtful people that they are, are far too generous for their own good. They spent so much money on healthy foods for the poor that they themselves could not afford anything but the unhealthiest trash. As a result, all of the Dursley's were extraordinarily fat. Flower was the sole exception. Flower had last checked her body width the last time she had thrown up her lunch and she was as thin as the most beautiful eleven year old alive. The title which, of course, belonged to hers truly.

To quote the greatest fan fiction ever written, she was "Thin enough to be anorexic." That is the proper term to use to describe her thin and sexy body.

Anyway, the Dursley's were all so ridiculously fat that they see fit to go out in the middle of nowhere for a few days to 'train their bodies into shape." Essentially, the Dursley's starved themselves for a few days and then they went back home. It was an incredible weight loss program, completely revultionary. Vernon had received millions of dollars from people who wanted to know how he gets so fat In a month and then loses it all the next.

Flower didn't much like these trips, but she had learned to appreciate food a tad bit more on them, so she wasn't throwing up as much, but still, they were awfully boring. There was nothing to do. No one to do it with. And of course, no Cocaine. Ah, life was being awfully cruel to the beautiful young prodigy.

"Flower, hurry up! We're going to the sea!"

Maybe things weren't so bad. Flower thought to herself as she went upstairs to pack her bag. After all, the sea might have hot mermen in it!

Flower imagined herself being tied down at the bottom of a lake, waiting for her one true love to rescue her. However, Mermen soldiers beat him there. They would start stabbing her with their tridents, and she scream with pleasure, and then they would rip their clothes off and assault her with their bare hands. Oooohhhh… That would be so hot.

….

Flower did not realize until they had reached their shitty shack on the rock that today was her birthday. She was now Eleven, the age she had claimed to be at for the last six years.

Flower did what she did at the end of every year. Review her life.

This year Flower has:

Used 2,309,890 pounds worth of Cocaine.

Was high for a total duration of 256,390 hours.

Had sexual intercourse with 999,999,999 different men.

Number of men fucked more than once: 64.

Killed 364 people.

Fastest Super Metroid run: 18 minutes.

World Starcraft ranking: Number 2

Played No More Heroes. Bonus Points!

Read one book.

World Pokemon ranking: Number 5

Total Score: 1,384,849,938,001,234,226,878 points.

Congratulations!

You have ranked in the top ten!

… … … … … … … …

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… … … … … … … …

Flower Potter

If you wise to continue your ascent, I would advise you stop looking so pretty. Show some grit every now and then, the audience loves that!

Flower sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair. She was not a Mary Sue, so she was not automatically inducted in as Number one. But still. Number Ten out of everybody in the whole world? Flower had to admit, that was very impressive.

But the nine above her… Who were they? And would they try to mess with her life?

Flower did not much care for being Number one, but she had no choice but to keep fighting. Someone lower then her was bound to try to kill her eventually. Might as well keep climbing the ladder until she reached the top.

Flower's musings were cut short as a giant burst into the house.

"Hi Hagrid." Flower said dryly. "What's up?

"Oh. So you recognized me eh?" The giant man asked as he sat down on the awful couch. "Nice memory you got there."

"It's cool sometimes, but other times it's really disturbing. For one thing, I can remember the day I was born." Flower said cheerfully.

"So. I don't have to explain your strange and unique history, do I?" Hagrid asked.

"Nope."

Hagrid grinned. "Alright. I'm here to kidnap you."

"Oh." Flower blinked. "That's a nice thought. But you are a tad bit too old for me."

Hagrid rolled his eyes. "No you stupid bitch! I only have interest in animals! Anyway, I'm here to take you to school without your guardians permission.

"Okay dokey." Flower said. "Hey, any cute guys at this school of yours?"

"Only the sexiest, athleitciest, intelligenticiest, and smarticiest are allowed at our school." Hagrid informed her.

"Oh, cool." Flower said, already thinking about her outfit for the first day of school. Hmm… all the boys and men were going to be head over heels for her!

… … … … .. … … … …

Flower followed Hagrid into Gringotts, which was a bank ran by goblins. Flower detested Goblins. They were nothing more then dirty racists who went running around the shoe's of great men and women and crying about how they were being bullied by other humans. The human's kindness in investigating this matter would be forgotten the next day , as the very same goblin would attempt to murder a wizard for a wand.

Flower had to make sure her tone was polite as she addressed the goblin. "Hey, jerkass. I want some money out of my parent's account."

The goblin lazily looked up and stared at Flower with a bored expression on his face.

"Does the Pwetty Pwincess have her key?" He asked, in an oddly high pitched voice. Hagrid chuckled, but stopped when Flower punched him, breaking half the bones in his arm.

"Umm… I have it here." Hagrid said, keeping most of the pain out of his voice. He reached in his right pocket with his left arm and brought out the key. "Here you go. Now, I have to go see a doctor. My stomach aches are coming back." With that, he turned and dashed out of the hall.

"Fucking pussy!" Flower screamed after him. "What, you don't want to deal with these fucks as much as a I don't want to?"

The goblin coughed.

"Oh, and you! Where's my cash?" Flower asked.

The goblin rolled his eyes as he led the beautiful young woman to the roller coaster.

"Please, please, tell me we don't have to go through the bullshit that I did in the video game." Flower said. "I had to stay up all night to get all the Galleons, and I died on the Devil's Snare because I was so fucking tired."

"This ain't no game." The Goblin said simply. Flower screamed in terror.

Five minutes later, Flower was still screaming as the Roller Coaster began to pick up speed. The Goblin was visibly getting very annoyed with her.

"For Nayru's sake, shut the fuck up!" The Goblin snapped. "It was just a joke playing on your love for videogames. Now shut up, collect your gold, and fuck off!"

… … … … … …

Flower and the Goblin left the roller coaster feeling really angry with one another. The Goblin was jealous of Flower's superiority, and Flower was very annoyed with the goblin's asshole nature about it.

Flower had only just entered the Marble hall when the window shattered. Flower dodged the projectiles being shot at her by jumping backwards, and prepared to fight.

The figure could not be properly seen, so Flower squinted through the mist that had just appeared out of nowhere.

"Ah no." Flower muttered. "Not this guy. Not now."

The shadow jumped out of the wreckage and made a stupid looking pose.

"Flower! At last, we meet again!" The shadow proclaimed.

"Hullo, Harvey." Flower said dryly. "What have you been up to?"

"Oh you know." Harvey said, twirling his wand around his fingers expertly. "Masturbating to anime characters, masturbating to teen pop stars, masturbating to video game characters-"

"You know, I really don't want to know this. If you don't want to die right now, get out of my way."

Harvey smiled.

"You owe me, Flower." He said. "You know how that mysterious stranger didn't show up at your house to kill you last night? Because I stopped her."

"What mysterious stranger? What are you talking about?"

"You see Flower." Harvey began, as he began to pace, still twirling his wand. "You're a marked woman. The people at large think I am the one who destroyed him. The people who actually matter know otherwise."

"You handle the fame, I handle the pain."

"Pretty much." Harvey admitted. "But I wasn't the one who made this decision, Flower."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing in particular. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to mock the new chapter of Naruto on my blog now. I'll see at you school, okay?" With a loud bang, Harvey vanished.

"Great. Just fucking great." Flower moved towards the exit, angsting about the prior conversation.

"Fame for him, Pain for me." Flower repeated, as she touched the lily that she always kept in her hair. "Mother, did you really have to agree to do this? What about your children?"

… … … … … … … …. …

"Hi, Flower. I would go through this elaborate wand initiating ceremony, but I've studied your profile and it turns out this wand is a perfect fit for you. It's a Wii mote with a magical core of a Metroid fang. You're welcome. That will be seven galleons please."

… … … … … … …

"Oh. Hey Flower." Hagrid said. "Listen, I'm sorry about the bank. But I got you this bitching owl, for your birthday! You forgive me, right?"

"Kreee!" Hedwig thought as she glared at her new owner. "That's my new owner? She looks dumb."

"Thanks Hagrid. What a cute owl. You know, I bet she'd be good at Pokemon battles. Her talons look sharp."

It has always been Hedwig's dream to fight other Pokemon. She was in love with this girl already.

"Anyway, I'm going to get clothes." Flower told Hagrid. "Would you mind staying outside? I had a dream about this last night. This super hot boy walked in, and I want to see if I have prophetic powers."

To make a long story short, SHE DOES.

"Holy shit, I want your cock!" Flower said, as she eyed the boy's crotch. "Please, please, please, do it with me!"

Before the boy could reply, his mother popped out of nowhere and punched Flower in the face.

"Owww… What the fuck was that for!" Flower asked angrily, as she prepared herself to fight.

The woman laughed. "Any filthy mudblood that tries to steal my Draco from me deserves to die!"

"Miss, if you're going to fight to the death, if you tear any clothes, I'd like to inform you that we do repair work as well and…"

The combatants ignored her as they eyed each other warily. Flower entered her combat stance and stood her ground. The woman stared for a second or two longer, and then she broke down laughing.

"What is that stance?" She asked, speaking through her tears. "What, is this your first time fighting with magic?" She turned to Draco. "See, honey? These Mudbloods rely entirely on brute force, instead of the intelligent refineries of magical combat."

Flower felt rage burning through her like an intense inferno. This woman was a bitch. What if her son was this bitchy?

"Yes, mother." Draco said dutifully. Flower's eyes widened. So what If he was a bitch? He was hot, dammit, and Flower wanted to suck on his cock and fuck him for hours!

Flower reached out and grabbed the still smiling woman and slapped her twice with her right hand. The Woman's eyes widened as they stared down at Flower.

"I may not use magic now, but I can learn." Flower said with a smile. "Bring it on, bitch!"

Flower threw her to the ground and tried to smash her face with her elbow, but the woman disappeared into thin air. Flower looked around, extremely anxious. She had never fought someone who could use magic before, and had no idea what to expect.

"Avada Kedravra!"

Flower jumped out of the way of a green light that just seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"She's invisible." Flower muttered. "How do I reveal an invisible person?"

"Avada Kedravra!" Flower dodged the light again, and rushed the area where it had came from.

"Over here, dumbass!" The woman called from another direction. "Avada Kedravra!"

Flower had to bend her entire body backwards to dodge this one, it soared mere inches above her head. She had no choice.

She ran over to Draco and started making out with him.

It was so nice. He was really hot, and Flower really like him, so yeah. Why not.

"No you stupid bitch! Away! Avada Kedravra!"

Flower yanked Draco to the ground as the curse flew over the heads. The woman had revealed herself in her moment of motherly instinct, and this was Flower's chance.

Flower sprinted as fast she can towards the woman with her wand outstretched. Channeling her power into it, she sliced her head off nice and clean.

Flower looked down at the head and back at the body, which was still standing.

"Huh. You know, some girl making out with your son isn't a bad thing you know. No need to, eh, lose your head over it, right comrade?" Flower asked, as she reached to pat the body on the back. It fell over with a loud thump and Flower went to talk to Draco.

"Umm… Hi. You're a good kisser." Flower said, blushing.

"You saved my life. Thank you." The boy nodded.

"Sooooo… Want to make out some more?" Flower asked innocently, fluttering here eyelashes.

"How about a good old fashioned fucking?" Draco asked.

"Oooooooooooh. I'd love to." Flower said, smiling really brightly. "Oh, sorry about your mom by the way."

"Who cares? I'm getting laid!"

…

Flower smiled and waved at the Dursleys as they drove away in their middle class transportation vehicle, known to most mortals as a car. Flower picked the trunk up with one hand and swung it over her shoulder as she marched towards platform 9 ¾.

Except there was no platform.

(A/N: LULZ. As I am a far superior artist then J.K. Rowling will ever be, I actually did my research. Rowling, you are a hack. Do not bother to deny it.)

Flower was looking at platforms eight and nine, which were side by side (Just like in real life! You see, I am a genius. I actually bother to check my facts and make sure my geography makes sense, unlike Rowling's bullshit 'unplottable' excuses.)

Flower sighed and honed her innate abilities to discover the secret entrance. She found it, and walked through.

"Hey, Hedwig, do you see any cute guys?" Flower asked casually. Flower had come to learn, after Hedwig learned that her new master was bitching awesome, that she had the ability to speak with birds as well. Flower had come to learn that Parseltounge was actually a language used by Dinosaurs back before the Titans destroyed them. As Birds and Reptiles have common ancestors in Dinosaurs, they speak the same language. Flower had never talked to a bird before, because according to Hedwig they did not like humans much.

"Hmmm…" Hedwig said, squinting her large eyes through the crowd. "I'm sorry, but I've never really noticed humans before. Which ones are the males, again?"

Flower groaned. "Come on, Hedwig." Flower cajoled. "I need eyes in high places. Who knows how many great fucks I might miss if you don't look out for me!"

Hedwig ruffled her feathers. "Well, Excuse me Princess! I'm trying my best!"

"I appreciate that. Hey, look, a snack!"

Flower reached into a boy's pocket and grabbed his pet rat. She tossed it to her new owl pal, who happily devoured it in one gulp, despite the disturbingly human like screams the beast was emitting.

"Oooooh yeah. That hit that spot. I love me some fat rats." Hedwig said.

"Hey!" The boy said indignantly. Flower turned around lazily, expecting to see a rat faced bastard, but instead, saw a beautiful boy her age glaring at her.

"Holy shit, you're really hot!" Flower blurted out. "Will you do it with me?"

"You just fed my rat to your owl! What the fuck were you thinking!" The red haired boy demanded.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Flower said dismissively. "Hey, do you think we can get a compartment to ourselves?"

"That rat was in my family for years! And you just fed him to your owl like he was an owl treat!"

"Well, it kind of was. It was delicious." Hedwig said.

"Rats are disgusting anyway." Flower said, ignoring the boy's protests. "Oh come on. Grow the fuck up. You have a cute girl who wants to do it with you, what else do you want?"

"I want my rat back!"

"Oh fine. You stupid jerk." Hedwig sniffed as she regurgitated the rat she had just swallowed.

"What the fuck! It's still alive!" Flower said in alarm.

"Can I eat it again?" Hedwig asked hopefully.

"Scabbers! Thank goodness!" The boy said as he picked up his rat, who then promptly got a heart attack and died. "What the hell? Scabbers!"

"It must have been the shock." Flower said. "Okay, can my owl have him back now?"

The boy reluctantly handed the rat back to Hedwig who gobbled it again greedily.

"Seriously, Hedwig, learn to chew your bloody food." Flower admonished.

"Sorry, Princess." Hedwig said, with a small owl burp.

"So, yeah. You got your rat back and it died, so we're even now." Flower said quickly. "So what's your name? Oh, and if you use condoms or performance enchancers then I'm not interested."

"The name's Weasley. Ron Weasley." The boy said, with a smile.

"Ding ding! A fine name for a fine boy!" Flower said, beaming.

"Argh, you are such a slut." Hedwig muttered. Flower kicked the cage.

"You know, I'm not a slut. I don't ask for money."

"Oh, that changes everything." Hedwig said.

"Anyway, let's go-"

"Oh Ronnie! Come on, we have to say goodbye to Mom!"

"Sorry, I've got to go." Ron said apologetically as he went dashing off to his mother, leaving Flower fuming.

"Son of a bitch! What a Mama's boy! Who chooses saying goodbye to your mother over getting laid?"

"Hey, it shows he's sentimental and stuff." Hedwig said, trying to cheer her new friend up. "He's a nice guy!"

"But I don't want a nice guy!" Flower said angrily. "I want what every woman wants: to be completely dominated with absolutely no say in the matter!"

"Well, even bad men can love their mothers, right? I wouldn't judge him if I were you."

Flower sighed. "Whatever. Hey, come to think of it…" She did a quick head count. "Holy shit… four brothers! Two are twins! Oh, hell yeah. Someone's getting train banged tonight!"

…

Flower banged her head against the window of the train, just for the sake of the joke.

"Dammit, why didn't you bring your brothers?" Flower complained to Ron as they sat in their compartment.

"They're not into eleven year olds." Ron said casually.

"Dammit. Have to change that." Flower said, pulling out her to-do list and jotting down her list of things she needed done.

To-do

Fuck Ron's Brothers and Ron at the same time.

Fuck all of their friends.

Learn magic!

Kill Harvey

Get back at Malfoy for not answering any of her letters

Fuck Malfoy again. He was a beast in bed.

Describe my past

Flower paused here, and thought back to the day when her parents were brutally murdered by Lord Voldemort (Pronounced Vol-de-mor, the T is silent. Anyone who thinks the T is part of the name is a fucktard and not a real fan) That was also the day that Flower had brutally murdered him. Flower was still scarred from that encounter. And she would be for life.

The matter of Harvey could not be ignored. Flower's twin brother who was raised amidst the fame and glory that Flower rightfully deserved was spoiled rotten, and Flower hated his guts. The encounter at the bank had been the first time they had seen each other seen they had parted ways ten years ago, but Flower knew about his antics through the newspaper.

"Hey, Flower." Ron said. "Back to Earth, pretty girl."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Okay." Flower said, jolting back awake. "Hey, can I suck your-"

Suddenly, the door slid open.

Flower turned furiously to give the bastard who disturbed her game, but her face lit up when she saw who it was.

"Oh, hi Draco." Flower said sweetly. "Who are your friends?"

"Oh, hi, baby." Draco said. "This is Goyle-" He gestured to the intelligent looking muscular boy to his right, "Crabbe-" He gestured to his other side towards a boy wearing a monocle. "And my girlfriend. Daphne Greengrass." He pointed to a girl standing behind Goyle.

"Oh." Flower blinked. "That complicates things."

"Not really." Malfoy shrugged. "We just can't do it anymore. Sorry."

"What!" Flower screamed, leaping up. "You son of a bitch!"

"You see, Flower," Daphne said lazily as she stepped forward. "As I have no personality, I-"

Flower reached out and grabbed her neck. Daphne's eyes widened as Flower squeezed the life out of her.

Flower tossed the body to the side and snorted. "What a stupid bitch. Go away Malfoy. I'm even more pissed at you right now. Flower slammed the door in his face.

"Now, where were we?" Flower asked sweetly, pressing up against Ron.

Only for the door to open again.

"Son of a bitch, leave me alone!" Flower shrieked. This time a Japanese stereotype was standing there. "Great." Flower muttered. "Now I have to kill you, too!"

"Excuse me." The girl said. Her tone pissed Flower off to no end. Her obnoxiousness was nigh unlimited. "Have you seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one."

"Fuck you." Flower said bluntly and slammed the door in the girl's face. Flower jumped back on Ron, but the stupid Japanese girl opened the door again.

"You dirty racist! How dare you judge us!" Flower said indignantly. "Fuck off, you stupid fuck!"

"You're Flower Potter, aren't you?" The girl asked. "I'm Hermione Granger. I'm Japanese."

"I've noticed." Flower said dryly.

"Anyway, tell your brother to leave me the fuck alone." Hermione said. She got up and left.

"What a stupid bitch." Flower muttered.

"Hey, you lovebirds!" Hedwig screeched. "We're nearly there!"

"What!" Flower screamed, jumping out of her seat. "But we haven't…"

"No time. Come on, I'm hungry."

…

Flower stared at the Great Hall of the castle. Hundreds of cute boys in one room. If there weren't so many girls around, Flower might have thought that she was in heaven. Ah well.

Flower turned her attention back to the ugly looking hat. It was very ugly and not very pretty at all. Flower did not like it.

It had a horrible singing voice as well, and Flower was reminded of the concert where she had jumped onstage due to all the bad music and killed the lead singer, some girl named Justine.

"Sue, Mary!" The Professor lady called.

Flower groaned. It appeared that no matter what she did, Mary Sue would always be haunting her.

"Gryffindor!" The hat screamed.

Flower had been wondering which house she wanted to be in. Now she knew which house she didn't want to be in. She eyed the table draped with red and gold. It appeared to be full of Football players and Cheerleaders. Otherwise known as mindless morons.

Flower's eyes drifted to the Blue and Silver table. This table seemed to be full of nerds and Otaku freaks. Flower predicted that Harvey would end up here.

Flower looked to the last table, Green, and her eyes shot up to their roots. Slytherin was occupied by emo fucks who hate their lives for no reason. And Crabbe and Goyle, who had already been sorted. Their intelligent faces stood out against the crowd of black eyeliner and hot topic shirts.

Flower swore. Everyone from this school was a freak. No one worth sleeping with. There was really no reason to stay here.

Flower turned around to walk out, when her eyes met Ron's.

"Hey, Where you going?" He asked.

Flower's heart melted. She blushed, and turned herself around. Well, she could always leave after she slept with Ron…

"Granger, Hermione!" The Japanese girl walked up to the stool, trembling, and slowly sat down.

Flower snorted. She knew that as a race, the Japanese were evil and cruel. Flower had to admit, though, they were also excellent pokemon trainers. She resolved to defeat Hermione in her national sport, and then murder her in front of her Pokemon.

"Gryffindor!" The hat shrieked. More applause from the jocks. Flower face palmed. She knew she might have to murder everyone in the house if they were all this annoying.

"Salander, Lisbeth!" Fuck. This one was a Slytherin, that was for sure. Covered with piercings and tattoos, the tiny girl walked up to the school and sat down, a blank expression on her face.

"Ravenclaw!" The hat shrieked. The girl ignored the cheers of her new classmates as she silently handed the hat back to the lady and walked slowly toward her table.

Damn. Dudley was right. Flower was a bad judge of character. She resolved to never judge anyone she had never met before in her life that negatively again.

"Potter, Harvey!" Flower groaned as Harvey dashed onto the stage, waving and smiling at the cheering crowd. He jammed the hat eagerly unto his head.

"Gryffindor!" The hat screamed. Harvey bowed, and allowed the hat to drop to the floor amongst the loudest yet applause from the Red and Gold table.

Flower snorted. What an attention whore. She couldn't wait to show him for the phony he really was. Flower had destroyed Voldemort, dammit, and she deserved the fame and recognition!

"Ranger, Harmony!" A brunette nervously walked towards the hat.

Flower began to think of Voldemort as the hat took a long time in deciding with Harmony. Voldemort was once ranked third on the list, but Flower has destroyed him. Flower suddenly realized that her high rank was not due to destroying people she didn't like, but merely killing someone who was ranked way out of her league.

"Gryffindor!"

Flower was not sure how the ranking for the UKA worked, except it operated on a point system. The more people you killed, the more points you got. However, if you killed, say, a more powerful opponent, more points for you!

"Scamander, Rolf!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower noticed that this one was actually kind of cute. Hm… Cute boy, or no assholes to deal with? Decisions, decisions… But then, assholes tended to have lots of drugs lying around.

"Jo Rowling!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower thought she had been sorted already. Ugh, this was boring. She started fantasizing about Ron again. Oh… he would fuck her so hard…

Flower imagined being tied to Ron's bed in the middle of the boys dormitories. She was struggling and crying for help. But Ron and his friends just smirked and took her by force. Again. And again. And again!

"Kennedy, Leon!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Cayman, Jack!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Mario, Mario!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Mario, Luigi!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Aran, Samus!"

"Gryffindor!"

"McCloud, Fox!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Hyrule, Zelda!"

"Ravenclaw!"

"Dragmire, Ganondorf!"

"Slytherin!"

"No-last-name, Link!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower noticed that most people seemed to be sorted into Gryffindor. How strange.

Flower felt herself nodding off. The Author, all these no names were so boring to watch.

"Fantasy, Final!"

"Ravenclaw!"

Flower sighed. All three of these houses seemed to suck on Sega levels. She hadn't been this bored since she made the mistake of renting Sonic: 2006.

"Malfoy, Draco!"

Flower's attention was snapped back to Earth in a hurry.

"Slytherin!"

Flower now knew where she wanted to go.

"Weasly, Ron!"

Please be Slytherin, please be Slytherin, please be-

"Gryffindor!"

"No!" Flower whispered. The only two guys she had been interested in this adventure were both in different houses! This wasn't how true love worked!

"Potter, Flower!"

"Gryffindor!"

"What?" Flower blinked. "I haven't even put on the bloody hat yet!"

No one seemed to care, of course.

Flower rolled her eyes and sat down at the Gryffindor table.

…

"Flower, I'm sorry, but I can't have sex with you." Ron said simply, as he tried to climb the stairs.

"What? No, no, no, no!" Flower said desperately, as she tried to pull him back. "I'm clean, I swear! I just got tested like, two months ago!"

"That's not it." Ron said, as he pulled away from her. "You're Harvey's sister."

"So?" Flower asked.

"So Voldemort's going to want to kill you as well." Ron clarified. "Do you really think he'll let any of Harvey's relatives live after what he did?"

"It's Harvey he has issues with, not me." Flower said dismissively. "Oh come on! Voldy's dead! There's nothing to worry about anymore!"

"Lots of people hate Harvey though." Ron pointed out.

"Oh, that's just because he's a dick." Flower said casually. "It has nothing to do with Voldemort."

"No, it's because lots of people supported the Voldemort regime. When he got his ass handed to him by a one year old kid, that made them all look like morons." Ron pointed out. "So they hate him for crushing their organization."

"Hold up." Flower frowned. "What organization?"

"The Death Eaters? Anti-Mudbloods?"

"Oh." Flower nodded. "I remember now."

"So all of their children are coming to this school to kill Harvey, and probably humiliate you. So, I can not be seen with you. Good bye."

"Wait!" Flower said desperately. Ron turned around, his eyebrow raised. "Ummm… If I become the Number One most powerful person in the world, will you do it with me?"

"Sure. Just so you know, Voldemort's ranked third." Ron said casually. "I'm looking forward to it!"

…

A/N: I WAS GOING TO WAIT FOR THE DRAMA TO UNFOLD, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO ALL YOU IDIOTS JUST HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LACK OF OVERALL PLOT. WELL, HERE IT IS, BITCHES.

Flower's first day at Hogwarts was extremely interesting.

Flower first went to the greenhouses, where she learned how to grow her own drugs. The teacher hinted that magic could bring forth even more potent, non-lethal drugs to the table. Flower was extremely, extremely, excited.

Next Flower went to Transforming stuff, where she learned how to transform various objects into other various objects. It was somewhat interesting, but Flower could not see how this would help her in her day to day life.

"Hey, Flower! You're a bitch! Ahahahahaahahaha!" Mary Sue cackled as she sprinted away from Flower as fast as she could.

Flower sighed. What a moron. She wasn't even worth killing anymore.

Flower walked downstairs towards the dungeons, where she would be studying potions. However, she was stopped by a trio of Slytherin girls.

"Ummm… Hi." Flower said as she looked over the three assholes in her way. "I'm in a hurry. Move."

"No one enters our dungeons without paying the toll." The Pug-faced girl said.

"Pfft. Fuck you." Flower pulled out her wand and decapitated one of the friends of the girl. The two living bullies started shivering as Flower pointed her wand at them.

"Out of my way, or you die as well."

The girl got a hold of herself as she stared Flower in the eye. "Never! Pay the toll, you ugly bitch! Or your Japanese housemate dies!"

Flower noticed for the first time that the Japanese girl Hermione was dangling by a rope from the ceiling. The only thing preventing her from strangulation was a barrel that the tips of her toes barely tapped.

"Kill one of us, she dies. Pass without the paying the toll, she dies." The girl said, glee in her voice. "Well? What will it be?"

Flower raised her wand and the rope cut itself in two pieces. Hermione landed on the barrel, and slammed into the ground gasping for air.

The Slytherin girls, however, were not pleased.

"No! No! Please, don't kill me!"

"Please! I'll never do it again!"

Flower ignored them both as she slammed their heads together, splitting their skulls clean open and emptying their brains all over the concrete.

"Great. You got my robes bloody, too." Flower sighed. "How lame."

Potions was interesting. The teacher took special care in teaching Flower what ingredients were what. Flower was a horrible cook, so she appreciated the extra help.

Flower sighed as she walked back to her dormitory. Flower had to admit, as she had never studied magic before, she was almost as far behind as everyone else. She would have to cut back on the drugs if she were to get ahead.

Flower walked downstairs to the common room, running her brush through her lush hair.

"Oh, Hi Neville." Flower said cheerfully. "What's up?"

Neville Longbottom had his laptop open in his new favorite chair. He was propped against it, a scowl on his face.

"I'm attacking stories on Fanfiction dot net that are vastly superior to my own to compensate for the fact that I have an extremely small penis."

"Oh." Flower said, her smile fading. "I'll just go over here…"

For some reason, Ron and the Japanese girl were having a heated argument in the corner.

"I'm telling you, Sushi is far healthier then Pizza." Hermione said, her eyes brimming with fire. "Look at Japan: Highest amount of centurions in the world."

"Oh, most of those guys aren't even alive." Ron said dismissively. "Apparently the Japanese government pays people to congratulate them on their one hundredth year, and being the scum that they are, the Japanese like to pretend their older relatives were still alive, so they could collect the money."

"Ron wins the argument, because he's not a Japanese twit." Flower said, as she sat down next to Ron. "Fuck off, you racist asian prick."

Hermione sniffed and raised her nose skyward. "Oh, I see how it is." She leapt up and flounced off.

Flower rounded on Ron. "What the hell are you doing, you stupid fuck!" She screeched. "We haven't even done it yet, and yet you are already cheating on me!"

Ron lazily looked Flower in the eyes. "Okay, first of all:" He began as he held up his index finger. "We are not dating. Second of all," He raised his middle finger. "I am not interested in you, Thirdly," He lowered his index. He kept his remaining finger pointing upwards, right in front of Flower's nose. He went back to his book.

Flower began to see red. How dare this boy refuse her advances? Anyone else would have fucked by now, but no, this asshole just had to so fucking worried about the goddamn future!

Flower needed to go outside to get a breath of fresh air. Pushing past Ron, she dived out the window. Flower closed her eyes as she began her inevitable journey to meet the ground.

Except she didn't.

Before Flower could crash into the ground 3 miles below, a girl appeared below her. This girl slowly rotated her fist upwards, and waited.

As all of you fuckwads are moronic twelve year olds, you have obviously never been in a Physics course. As you do not understand the complicated science behind motion, let's just say that the long drop, powered by gravity, and the sudden stop would hurt like a bitch.

However, magic in this universe appears to have no internal consistency whatsoever, which essentially means that Flower can ignore the laws of physics just because she has magical powers.

Flower waved her wand and slowed her descent to a crawl. Then she adjusted her angle to get away from the girl's upturned fist. Flower glared at her as she lowered her legs to come in contact with the ground.

"Hello, Flower." The girl said pleasantly. "I hope you had a nice trip down?"

"It was fine, thanks." Flower said, not bothering to conceal the venom in her words. "Who the fuck are you?"

"My name is Megagamer200'smuse123. I'm the reason your first couple of chapters sucked!"

"You bitch!" Flower blurted out, although she was not entirely sure what chapters were.

Flower knew that chapters had something to do with the power of her almighty God. Flower was not quite sure what that might be, but as Flower believed in her God absolutely, she would resort to violence to ensure that He remained at full strength. Flower did not understand how her God thought at all, but surely she was doing the right thing.

Flower got into her fighting stance and eyed the girl warily. The Muse chuckled.

"Oh. You want to fight me?" She said, eyeing Flower's fists. "You do realize that if I die, the Author will simply lose what little will he has left to write?"

"I think the Author likes writing whether or not you have anything to do with it." Flower said coldly.

"Perhaps." The muse said airily. "But you see, without me, his story would become far less… inspired."

Flower narrowed her eyes.

"What I mean is," The muse went on. "Is that sometimes the author feels as if something was a good idea, and he sat down and wrote it… and it turned out horribly."

Flower was not sure what made her say it, but the words were coming out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Like those old Naruto fanfics?"

"Indeed." The Muse said, completely unperturbed by Flower's knowledge of her host. "Yes, those old pieces of trash were written for no reason other than the fact that the Author had no friends at the time."

'No… Friends?" Flower privately wondered why such an all powerful deity needed something as human as friends. "So he has friends now?"

"Not really." The muse said, shaking her head. "He's come to terms with who he is, and has realized that he generally hates people. But…" She smiled. "He likes to make up stories."

"Stories?" Flower repeated.

The Muse nodded. "You see, Flower. You are nothing more than a character in a story. You are not real."

Flower froze.

"I'm not shocked at all." Flower muttered. "Why am I not shocked?"

"You've known this in your heart since you were born, Flower." The Muse said. "Which was about… three months ago, maybe?"

"I'm not real." Flower repeated. She turned to the muse. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because, my dear, you, quite frankly, suck." The Muse said smoothly.

"Huh?"

"The Author was going to write this epic one hundred chapter bonanza mocking the entire concept of fanfiction, but you just had to go and ruin it by being annoying as fuck."

"Fucks aren't annoying." Flower muttered. "I thought I was being funny."

"You aren't, Flower. I'm here to tell you that the Author is shortening your story to maybe ten more chapters. If you don't pull yourself out of your rut, then the Author is going to kill you."

"What?" Flower said in alarm. "I'm going to die?"

"Yes." The Muse nodded. "Ten more chapters, Flower. If you don't get more than a thousand reviews, you're going to die."

"I'm really going to die." Flower whispered.

"Hmmm… I think that's all." The muse said. "No wait, I forgot something."

"What is it now?" Flower asked.

"The next ten chapters will be of utmost quality. They will be longer, and much more detailed then the garbage you've been going through. However, we must rush the story quickly. There will be lots of time skipping involved."

"Oh. That's nice. So I get to kill Harvey and Hermione sooner?"

"… Events will transpire much more quickly, yes."

"Alright!" Flower nodded. "I'm going to make the author proud! The first thing I'm going to do with the new me…"

Flower grabbed the muse and shoved her head into the lake. The muse screamed as her lungs filled with water, and she drowned.

"It was your fault this story sucks, not mine." Flower said casually, as she threw the body out to the squid. "I'm going to do my best from now on. That's a promise."

Next time, on the Girl who Loved...

Ginny Weasley dies of STD'S!

Lupin and Sirius get married!

Flower discovers that she's pregnant!

Hermione commits suicide, because no one likes her!

Flower was barrelling down the highway at Supersonic speeds towards her target. Her Motorbike, The Dog Star, was roaring like a lion. Flower itself had donned her skimpiest outfit, complete with mini skirt, laces, and ballet shoes. Flower's bright pink sunglasses hid her eyes, which were unfocused and unwavering.

The Club was getting bigger. Flower hit the accelerator and slammed into the door full speed, shattering it into a bazillion pieces. A man screamed as large piece of wood slammed straight into his skull, piercing it and causing severe brain damage.

Flower had been going too fast. She caught a brief glimpse of a fountain and some men running towards her with guns. Thinking fast, she shifted the bike's wheels toward the fountain, the bike went careening into the fountain splashing water in every which direction.

Using the force to throw herself into the air, Flower gracefully flew through the air and landed right behind the guards.

"Fuckheads!" She snarled. Their heads exploded, showering the room with blood. Flower licked the red stuff on her lip with relish as she turned around and faced her next challenge: Another door.

Flower pulled out her katana, and, adjusting it accordingly, used it to slice through the door. Flower raised her hand up and knocked, and the door flew off it's hinges.

Flower grinned as she looked up at through the screen, right at you.

"Hey." She said playfully. "Know any cute guys?"

Flower adjusted her sunglasses as she returned her focus to the room.

"Okay... where is that asshole?" Flower said aloud. The room was not the stadium that the agent had promised her. It was simply a sparsely decorated room, filled with uncomfortble looking chairs. A lobby maybe?

Flower walked across the room, and opened the opposing door.

A couple dozen of clowns were standing near the end of the hallway. They stopped and stared at her.

"Ummm... Hi." Flower said. She had an intense dislike of clowns ever since she had gone vacationing with her family when she was six. They had gone to a town in Maine called Derry, and Flower had wandered off in search of cute boys. However, she had come across a rather odd clown with bright blue eyes who told her that all the little boys had gone to the circus. Flower immediatly demanded to know where the circus was, but the clown had just smiled and told her to take his hand. Flower unwittingly did so, and the Clown transformed into a hideous monster. It still had arms, though, so Flower ripped them off and tried to beat it with them. However, it simply transformed again into a giant bird. Flower had no idea what kind of beast it was, so she wasn't sure if she could kill. She opted to run away and research what it was. She never found the answer to what the beast was, but she was sure it was still hiding in that small town.

Flower had gone back to that town once on her own. She did not see the beast again. Indeed, that trip was very unmemorable. Except for that odd urge for graffiti. Flower had once scribbled

Pennywise lives

into some stone, somewhere in the city. Flower was not sure why that memory haunted her so. Perhaps it was due to the fact that she had no idea what a Pennywise was.

Flower was sure the monster had not forgotten the encounter, and had been anxious for years for them to meet again and fight. However, the childhood trauma of meeting a clown monster made her somewhat less then her usual, bold, self.

"Ummm... Hi." Flower repeated. "Ummm... I'm looking for a Mr. Spectacle."

The Clowns began moving again. They organized into a single file line and began jumping into their little car, one by one. When the last one had entered, the car started zipping away.

"Oh. Thanks a lot, guys." Flower muttered. "Cocksuckers." She muttered under her breath.

The Car made it to the opposite wall and began driving up it. Just like a Cars version of Spider-man. It was on the ceiling now, headed towards Flower.

Flower looked up as the car came to a screeching halt a few inches above her head. A few seconds passed, and the the door opened and a clown jumped out, his perment smile etched onto his face, as he raised a Shurikan.

Flower raised her katana and prepared for the blow. The Clown threw the star and Flower knocked it out of the air. However, the Clown was still dropping. Raising his sword, he dropped onto Flower. Flower slashed him in half before he hit the ground, but she had no time to celebrate her kill. Already, another ninja clown was coming down on her, and another.

Flower gritted her teeth as she slashed the first in half, then grabbed the another throwing star out of the air and threw it back. The star made a satisfying groan emit from soon to be dead clown.

Flower removed her wand from the strap on her leg and transfigured the car into a pinata. Raising her sword, she slashed through the foil. Many screams ensued, and the Pinata burst, showering Flower in a fountain of blood.

Flower had not been this elated since the time that Harvey had competed in Battle Royale. She had been watching kids murder each other on television, and wondering when her twin brother was going to buy it.

Unfortunatly, the girl she had been rooting for (Flower did not remember her name... Ebony... Tara... Gilesbie... Way?) was killed by Riku (No last name) who was a complete and total asswipe. He just wanted to kill people so the girl he liked back home would do it with him.

It was down to the two of them, Harvey and Riku, and Riku was such a fuckwad he started a monolouge of why he's so great when he was holding a grenade with the pin pulled. Harvey, despite the fact that he had not killed anyone for the entire game, was declared the victor, much to the chagrin of all the intense combat fans.

That Battle Royale was only one of the reasons why Flower hated her brother so much. Among those reasons were

A. He's a prick.

B. He's a wimp.

C. He's a Weakling.

D. HE TAKES CREDIT FOR FAMOUS PEOPLE I KILL.

D was the main reason, pretty much. Everytime Flower killed someone trying to threaten the world, or something, Harvey, always, always, always, ended up with credit. It was kind of annoying. However, Flower knew that guys hated badass amazon chicks, so maybe this was a blessing in disguise... she knew for certain that Harvey wasn't getting any.

Flower had walked for a while but had not seen any more ninja clowns. She was wondering where to go next, but then suddenly, her phone rang.

Flower frowned. She pulled her phone out and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey, Flower. It's me." Great. The fucking agent again. "I just wanted to make sure you knew where to go. Number Ten is waiting for you inside Those huge doors."

Flower looked to her right. They were right there. Well damn.

"Anyway, if there's anything you have to do... Brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, save your game... well, what I mean is, there's a bathroom over there. But still, your first big ten fight! Are you excited? I've read your profile. I know how much you love this stuff."

Flower didn't answer.

"Anyway, I calculate that you have roughly... fourty percent chance of making it out of here alive. I know it seems kind of low, but really, the odds are not that long."

Forty percent chance of survival. Flower could feel her heart starting to speed up. She was getting excited.

"Well, I'm not really allowed to inform you of the identity of your opponent or his fighting style, but I will say this: you can't win if you don't fight, okay?"

Thank you, captain obvious.

"Trust your force. And head for the Garden of madness."

The line clicked off. He had hung up. Flower sighed, as she sheathed her katana and opened the gigantic doors.

Another hallway. As Flower walked through it, she could hundreds of laughs.

"A comedic routine? Now?" Flower wondered. She pressed on. The Laughs began to get louder, and Flower began to notice an odd quality to them.

Ha.

Hahaha.

Hahahahahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha. Hahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Every single person in the audience was laughing the exact same laugh at the exact same time.

Flower opened the last door, and entered the arena.

The place was gigantic. Dining tables. A stage. A Balcony with a great view. It took Flower a few minutes to realize what was wrong.

"Seriously, Folks, You people are just like this Purple llama I ran into last week. It was riding a scooter, and I tripped and slammed into it. We got up, looked at each other, and started laughing!"

. The 'audience' chortled. But Flower could see there was no audience in sight. Instead, Cardboard cutouts of well dressed, influential people were sitting in place by tables. The Supreme President of the American Continents was sitting there, with his five wives. At another table, The Major, the man who was arguably the real power in the Americas at the moment, was sitting by himself, gazing at the man on the stage with a rapt, undying (because it was never really living) attention.

Flower moved through the hall, staring at the cutouts of people she had seen on television. Some she recognized, most she didn't. There was Leon S. Kennedy. He had single handedly destroyed a corporations plans to use Zombies to take over the world. Over there Princess Miciaiah, War hero of the Daeian. She had liberated it from the neighboring empire of Begnion.

Flower nearly had a heart attack as she noticed, that sitting there near the stage was none other then her brother, Harvey Potter. The Cutout was not very convincing. Harvey was not smiling that stupid smile, nor was he staring lecherously at Hermione Granger, the nerdy Japanese girl. He was simply sitting there, staring at the stage.

The loud speakers were still blaring out the HA. HA. Ha's. Flower was getting annoyed.

She looked at Harvey's table again. Yep. Just as she thought. There were her parents, Lily and James Potter. sitting on either side of their favorite son, never looking away from the stage.

Other people were sitting at the table as well. There was a man Flower knew as Wormtail, who was apparently a complete badass. He had destroyed the traitor, Sirius Black, with one flick of his wand and was now become a favorite for Minister of Magic.

Next to Wormtail, was Flower's favorite family friend, Lupin. He was the only one involved with Harvey who actually took the time to check up on Flower now and again. He even sent nice presents, even if most of them were Sirius Black's old belongings that Lupin had stolen from his house.

Sitting on the end of the table, was the mysterious, reclusive headmaster. Albus Dumbledore. Flower did not know much about him, except he was apparently a complete fuck.

The laughing stopped.

"Hey, hey, hey, kid!" The man on the stage said. "Step away from the celebrity, comrade!"

The laughing started up again, but subsided almost immediatly.

"Seriously, though." The man said, removing the microphone from his face and walking towards Flower with a frown. "I mean, really. You're number eleven?"

"That's right." Flower said cheerfully.

"Wow." Mr. Spectacle said, as he looked her over. "I guess I must be working too hard. What, they're sending kids in after me now? How old are you, kid?"

Flower huffed. "My name is Flower Crysthanum Severus Eileen Petunia Potter, and you will refer to me as such. I'm eleven, if you must know."

"Well, Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me Princess." Spectacle said. He tapped a button on his microphone. The Crowd broke out laughing sporadically again. "I'm just, you know, surprised you're a killer and all. You seem like a nice kid."

"I like doing this." Flower said simply.

"Really?" Spectacle said, doubt creeping into his voice. "Uh... what do you like about it?"

"Oh, I love the pain." Flower said enthusitically, a bright smile on her face. "I love the feeling a get when I'm about to kill someone, and I'm exchausted, and can barely fight, but I somehow push through! I mean, It's just really, really, fun."

"Huh." Spectacle said, eyeing Flower warily. "Well, I suppose I understand. But... why are you dressed like a thirteen year old on Halloween? In other words, a 'Hooker."

Laughter. Flower's temper flared. "Oh please. I never, never, accept money after sex. It just feels so... wrong."

"Wow. Lookee here." Spectacle said, grabbing the microphone again. "A Ten year virginless kid. Let's worship her... By eating her flesh sprinkled with tariachi sauce and recycled newspaper clippings!"

Laughter. Flower was beggining to lose it. "What... the hell... are you doing?"

"Oh, you see, my precious little hooker-kid, I am doing what I do best: Being comedy's sex object, bitch!"

This time, the crowd cheered.

"I'm a stud, christened, Hardrockcock of Hyrule, by the Three Goddesses! I had sex with all three! And had children with all of them! Then we put on a puppet show using the children to kill each other for centuries! It was the best sex I ever had, that's for sure."

"Best sex you never had." Flower muttered.

"Ohohohohohoho! And you would know, now wouldn't you? You lost your virginity to an ice cream scoop, now admit it!"

"What's that even supposed to mean?" Flower demanded. "That's it. Enough talk."

She pulled out her blade.

"You're going to die here, Mr. Funny. Then I'm going to take that Microphone and make sure everyone is laughing at you before you pass on."

Spectacle laughed. "Oh, you stupid kid. Look, listen, I've killed some of the greatest killers in the world. I've been making my jokes and stories here for years, and every single time, the person who has come to challenge me has died. What makes you so different."

"I'm the Girl who Loves." Flower said. "I'm fighting for someone I really, really, want to do, and I want stop till I get to Number One."

"That has to be the most pathetic thing I have ever heard."

"What about you?" Flower pressed. "Doesn't this mean so much to you? Making your stupid jokes and pretending to have celebrities think you're funny?"

Spectacle's face changed. It changed from good humor to vicious in an instant.

"I have my reasons. Now, allow me to rock you... Like a pregnant cow with a jellyfish jar."

"Dude, before I kill you. I just want you to know. You're not funny."

FIght!

Flower dashed towards Ten, and attempted to stab him with her sword. However, he reached behind his back and pulled out a giant mallet. Using this to block Flower's blow, he raised a hand above Flower's head.

Flower glanced up, and barely got away in time. An anvil lay where she was standing, right where she was standing a few moments before.

Flower had barely put her mind back on the fight before she was buffeted by a purple llama. Crashing to the ground, Flower tried hurriedly to get back on her feet.

Spectacle sat there, enjoying the show, hammer in hand, as he watched Flower get to her feet.

"You see, kid, I'm an artist." He drawled. "I loved cartoons as a kid, and I always tried to incoporate their humor into my routine. However... that sort of thing only seems to work in fights, as you so aptly pointed out."

Flower touched her cheek with her left hand. It was bruised. Flower could not even remember the last time she had even been scratched in a fight.

She was starting to get excited.

Flower dashed towards Spectacle again, but he just sidestepped and knocked her to the ground by throwing a broken dishwasher at her.

Flower didn't move.

"Wow. Over already. Too bad." Spectacle said, shaking his head in mock sorrow. "Oh, how the youth waste their lives trying to have sex with someone who's just not interes-"

Flower lashed out, grabbing her sword and slashing Spectacles legs off. He screeched as he fell to the ground.

Flower reached into her pocket and pulled out a carrot. She nibbled daintily, as she eyed her victim, a hungry look in her eyes. "Eh. What's up, cock?"

He didn't move.

"Dead of bloodloss, already? What a bitch." Flower said, shaking her head.

Then a Peanut Butter jar smacked her in the head.

"Ow!" Flower screeched. Instinctively, she whirled around to face her attacker... Only to be smacked in the torso by Spectacle.

Flower fell over, grasping her side, as Spectacle struggled to come up with a reliable method of movement. He struggled to right himself, and then gave himself made of parrots that squawked profanity when he steppen on them.

"Bitch! Fuck! Cunt!" THe Parrots wailed as Spectacle walked towards Flower, who had stood up as well.

"Well, well, well. You can take quite a hit." Spectacle said. "But you see, you're simply not good enough to kill me. Everything I can dream up, whether or not it makes sense, immediatly comes true. I can not be stopped. You might as well give up."

"What's 'give up' even mean?" Flower protested. "I swear, I tried to look for it on urban dictionary, but I couldn't find it! Is it like a bomb, that you would strap to yourself to try to kill your opponent?"

"No." Sepctacle said. "It's not a bomb. It is simply accepting the inevitable. That you are going to get your ass kicked by a middle aged man-"

Boom.

Flower hit the floor as Spectacle exploded. Pieces of him flew everywhere.

Flower stood up, dusted herseld off, and then hurriedly tried to clean her sunglasses.

"Oh, haha. Everything you think up." FLower muttered. "My god, you are such an Anime villian! Giving away your weaknesses like that..."

Shaking her head, Flower went over the fight in her mind. Too be honest, she had almost lost, but was still disappointed. What fun was fighting a difficult opponent if they had one really obvious and vulnerable weakness? It defeated the whole point of fighting.

A clapping sound vetebrated through the hall.

Flower's eyes went for the door, but it was not there where the sound was coming from. It was from behind the curtain.

The figure stepped out of the shadows, still clapping politely. "Ah, Flower. Brilliant, brilliant, fight I must say. Rather, I was very impressed with you."

"Oh. It's you." Flower said stiffly. "Hello Rolf."

Scamander ignored Flower's greetings and went on with his praise. "I say, you need to train a little harder before next time if you want to keep working your way up. Number ten is a nice spot, but I know you want to do better."

Flower nodded. "When do I fight again?"

Rolf's face fell. "Oh. yeah. Ummm... About that... The child labor laws fucked us up. You can't fight again until next year."

Flower's jaw dropped. "What! No!"

Rolf nodded. "Yeah, it sucks, but I kind of think this is a good thing. You see, the new eleven won't be able to challenge you, personnally, until next year. So if you train really hard and win a fight every year until you're seventeen... why, you could be number three and not have fought a single contender for your spot."

Flower thought about this for a second. This fight was hard. She certainly did need more training. Finally, she nodded. "Okay. Okay. You win. Once a year."

"Cool. Hey, I have my Flying Carpet. I'll take you back to school, and you can tell all your friends how fun this is, and how they should started killing people too."

"There not really into this stuff. But I'll try."


	6. Harry Potter abridged script

Harry Potter: Super Abridged fanfic

Starring:

Harry Potter as: Super Harry Potter

Ron Weasley as: Ron Weasley

Emma Watson as: Hermione Granger

Luna Lovegood as: Luna Lovegood

Megagamer200 as: Rolf Scamander

Hans Gruber as: Severus Snape

...

Harry: Son of a bitch: If there is one thing I hate, it is my relatives.

Vernon: Boy! (Breaks Harry's Arm) What have I told you? There's a speck of dirt on my floor! I told you to clean it up!

Harry: (Rolls his eyes and uses HIS PRODIGOUS MAGICAL POWER TO REPAIR HIS ARM IN A ATTEMPT TO SHOW HOW MUCH MORE BADASS AND AWESOME THIS HARRY IS TO THE CANON ONE) But Uncle Vernon, I-

Vernon: No buts! IT'S RAPING TIME!

(Vernon rapes Harry. Harry, despite the fact that he could destroy Vernon with a thought, chooses not to for some vaguely explored reason)

Harry: (Leaves the house) Oh the trauma. My life is nothing but a misery cesspool of violence and chores. Oh, how I long to be away from this garbage! If only there was a way for me to harness my hatred and project it into a weapon!

(At Hogwarts)

Dumbledore: As everyone knows, my reasoning for leaving Harry Potter, the boy who Lived, with his abusive relatives is COMPLETELY IDIOTIC, WHICH IS APPARENTLY SUPPORTED BY CANON EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT. Now, my followers, you must update me: How is our Evil Master Plan going?

Arthur Weasley: As you have requested, sir. Numbers Six and Seven are around Harry's age. We have trained them from birth to follow in our footsteps, and they are eager to please. Harry Potter is extremely lonely, surely the first people he lays eyes on who are nice to him shall become like family.

Dumbledore: Bwahahahahaha. My schemes are becoming reality!

(Back at Privet Drive, Harry is getting sick of being mocked)

Harry: Leave me alone, or I will have to hurt you.

Dudley: Bwahahahahaha. What you going to be doing about it, motherfucka?

Harry: ... I don't know. I know I am special, but... what can I do to hurt you?

Dudley: Nothing, freak! (Beats Harry to near death with a baseball bat. LOTS OF HOOKERS AND SKANKS APPEAR AND LEAD DUDLEY OFF SOMEWHERE WHILE LAUGHING AT HARRY. THEY ARE ALL UGLY.)

Harry: Sluts. They wouldn't know a real man if... if...

(Back at Hogwarts)

Snape: My lord Dumbledore, I have urgent news.

Dumbledore: Not now, Severus. I am busy plotting every little detail for the next seven years, with my comrade in arms, JO ROWLING.

Jo: Hey, Sev. It's been a while.

Snape: Hello, Jo. I hear you've been doing very well. You're writing Children's books now, aren't you?

Jo: Unfortunatly, I have been exposed as an arrogant hack by the GENIUS USERS OF FANFICTION . NET. I ruined my own story, so I'm selling the rights to THE AUTHOR WITH THE HIGHEST REVIEW COUNT.

Snape: ... Are you serious?

Jo: No. I'm just having a chat with Albus.

Albus: You see Severus, Jo is the one who outlined all of my plans in a seven book format. If all goes well, I should be ruling the world by the time Voldemort is gone for good.

Snape: I thought that you already ruled the world?

Dumbledore: In a sense, yes. But what I want is an EVIL EMPIRE DEVOID OF ALL JOY FILLED WITH THINGS THAT FANFIC WRITERS HATE, LIKE MATH PROBLEMS AND WELL WRITTEN STORIES!

Snape: Sounds like paradise. I'm in!

(Back at Privet Drive, Harry finds out he's a Wizard by abusing his powers)

Harry: Die! (Murders everyone who was ever mean to him) Oh... SHIT. Well, if I cover my tracks, I shouldn't be caught-

Tonks: Hey.

(THEY HAVE SEX, IGNORING THE FACT THAT HARRY IS AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD CRIMINAL AND TONKS IS NOT A AUROR AT THIS POINT IN TIME)

Harry: You know, I really like this... whaddaya call it?

Tonks: Sex?

Harry: Yeah. That. So I'm going to sleep with every woman I find, okay?

Tonks: I find that to be very sexy for some reason. Go ahead.

(TONK ADOPTS HARRY AND TEACHES HIM THE WAY OF THE DARK WIZARD)

Tonks: If you want to pick up chicks, all you need is a really big penis. You have one, so you're set.

Harry: Nice to know the author doesn't know anything about women.

(after more AWKWARD CHILD SEX, Harry goes to the Hogwarts Express)

Harry: After my rigorous off screen training, my MAGICAL CORE, which BY THE WAY COMPLETELY CONTRADICTS WHAT CANON HAS TO SAY ABOUT MAGICAL POTENTIAL, is about as big as my penis. Considering my penis is 42 feet long, and everyone else's in this universe is about one centimeter, that makes me a few thousand times more powerful then anyone eles. THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME.

Ginny: Hello, lover.

Harry: Son of a bitch: It's one of the sluts from before.

Ron: Hey, man. My name's Ron Weasley. In canon I'm a nice guy who tries to be a great friend, but as this is fanon, my TRUE SIDE COMES OUT. Heil Voldemort! Long live the Master Race!

Harry: As I am not COMPLETELY IGNORANT in this story, I can see through your elaborate ruse! I shall now seek out more worthwhile companions then you and your slut of a sister!

Ginny: I'm Pregnant!

Ron: Ginny... not again...

(Harry GOES OFF and all of the WEASLEY HATERS REJOICE because they are ASSHOLES)

Harry: Let's see what's through this door here. (Opens it. It's Emma Watson.) Hello, Lover.

Emma: My god... it's like I'm looking at my ONE TRUE LOVE.

Harry: THe way it has to be... the way it should have been... the way that will be in the end...

Draco: Hey guys. What's up?

Harry: Hey, it's that guy who's a complete RACIST and an absolute PRICK in canon. Why are you being nice to me?

Draco: I don't know. I just realized on the way here from home that... wow, my parents are racist douchebags. I wanna be friends with mudbloods. You guys seem really nice.

Harry: Coolio. Welcome to the group, Dawg.

(ALL THREE ARE SORTED INTO SLYTHERIN, WHICH IS EASILY THE BEST HOUSE)

Harry: It's nice to know that we are rebelling against Rowling's propanganda on lumping all the bad people into one house. Now let's beat the shit out of those Gryffindor bastards, they have it coming to them.

(Harry Unleashes the Basilisk, and MURDERS RON AND GINNY)

Harry: Booyah.

(HARRY'S AWESOMNESS REACHES NEW LEVELS)

Harry: Hermione, can we do it yet?

Emma: ... My name is Emma. YOU CONFUSED ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE, GO AWAY, YOU DON'T LOVE ME!

Harry: No... the fact that I have lost my ONE TRUE LOVE has unlocked my true powers... I see the evil that is behind all of this... DUMBLEDORE!

(Harry transforms into a SUPER SAIYAN and flies up to Dumbledore's Tower.)

Jo: I say, what is that thing outside the window.

Dumbledore: Hey, it's Super Harry. How odd: Usually they don't get around to killing me.

Harry: Dumbledore! You will pay for all the trouble you put me through!

Dumbledore: If you strike me down, I shall only become more powerful then you can possibly imagine.

(Harry draws his guitar, FUCKSLAYER, from the dimension where all scream for Naught and MURDERED THE FUCK OUT OF THE AUTHOR AND DUMBLEDORE.

Harry: Take that, you arrogant hack! Next time, don't undermine the ROMANCE THAT YOU SPENT FIVE FUCKING BOOKS FORESHADOWING JUST TO PISS OFF YOUR FANS!

Rolf: Hey.

(Kills Harry)

Luna: ... A prophecy spoke long ago told me that the one who would destroy the Legendary Super Saiyan would be my Husband.

Rolf: Yes. Evanna, will you Marry Me?

(Curtain closes, because I honestly have no idea if EVANNA LYNCH will say yes when I actually get the chance to propose)


	7. Like a Boss

"Professor Snape, thank you for allowing me to look over your class for this period." Umbridge said sweetly, as she gave the potions master a rather toothy grin. "Don't mind me, pretend I am not even here!"

"As you can see..." Snape said, ignoring her. "We have a guest. Our High Inquisitor has decided to grace us with her prescence this day, and I beg of you to ignore her. Now, on to the lesson." He pulled out his wand and tapped the blackboard a few times. "Now, if you wish to pass your O.W.L's..."

"Hem hem." Umbridge coughed, trying to interject herself into Snape's lecture. Snape decided that the woman was being rude and ignored her.

"Now, if you wish to pass your..."

"Hem Hem." Umbridge coughed.

Snape sighed, and looked towards Umbridge. "Yes? What is it?"

"I would just like to thank you for allowing me to intrude on your classroom this day, once again." Umbridge said, fluttering her eyelashes. "It means so much to us at the Ministry."

"Yes, yes, you're welcome." Snape said, as he turned back to the class. "Now, if you wish-"

"HEM HEM." Umbridge coughed again. "Question!"

"What is it?" Snape said, turning back to the pink clad woman.

"I want to know what your relationship with the headmaster is like. Describe it for me, please." Umbridge said, as she picked up her pen and adjusted it in her stubby hands.

...

_First thing I do every morning: Get told off by Dumbledore._

_Like a Boss._

_..._

"Severus, I have called you up here to inquire about the grades you hand out in class." Dumbledore said, as he adjusted his glasses as he pored over a rather large file that was sitting on his desk. "I've been receiving a few... ah, complaints, from Miss Granger."

"I can see that." Snape said, as he eyed the papers within the folder warily. Filing over five thousand, three hundred and fifty one complaints in four and a half years of magical education must have been a real hassle for the girl to pull off. Knowing her however, she probably enjoyed it.

"I have here," Dumbledore said, as he slid a piece of paper over to Snape's side of of the desk. "A detailed layout of the average grades of every student that goes through your class. Pray tell me, what is wrong with this graph?"

As Snape took the paper and looked through the chart, he couldn't help but remark: "Did Miss Granger organize this as well?"

The paper was a neatly organized graph showing the grades of each of Severus Snape's fifth year potions students. As Snape looked through it, he nodded his head.

"It seems normal to me." He said briefly, as he flicked the paper back at Dumbledore. "Same as always, to be honest."

"Severus, look at this." Dumbledore said plainly, as he flipped the paper around and showed Snape the statistics. "Hanna Abbot: 40 percent lab work average. 20 percent homework. 50 percent test. Ernie MacMillan: 20 percent lab work, 20 percent homework, 35 percent tests. Ron Weasley: 40 percent lab work, 10 percent homework, 0 percent tests. Hermione Granger: 50 percent lab work, 100 percent homework, 85 percent tests. Harry Potter: 0 percent lab work, tests, and homework."

Snape looked through the sheet thoughtfully. "He is rather hopeless at Potions, Headmaster."

"Vincent Crabbe: 100 percent in all areas. Gregory Goyle: A hundred percent in all areas. Draco Malfoy: A hundred percent in all areas."

"What is the point you are getting at, Headmaster?" Snape questioned. "It is hardly my fault that your favorite student can not keep up with the course work. He is rather slow to work with, after all."

"Severus, why does everyone from Slytherin house have perfect scores in your class while everyone else is barely struggling to stay afloat?"

"I have thought long and hard about this issue, Headmaster." Snape said, sitting a little bit taller. "It has come to my attention that Slytherins are much more capable at making potions then their peers, and the only reason why I can think of is that-"

"Severus, the reason why is because you are not doing your job." Dumbledore said coldly.


	8. A Conversation about nothing

Okay, guys. I know that many of you have a sort of love hate relationship with fanfiction in general, so I thought of making a parody of all the fanfiction tropes and cliches we all hate. However, I find myself at a loss.

"How do I appeal to the readers?" I ask myself. And the truth comes to me, like an angel from heaven: Ask for their opinion.

The story in question is referred to as The Girl Who Loved Returns. I have several plot threads and characters already in motion, and yet I could always use some input.

What I want is, specific fandom cliches and ideas unique to this fandom. You can either Private Message me, or leave a review somewher, I'll see it either way.

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN PAIRINGS, OR MARY SUES. THOSE ARE TAKEN CARE OF.

I think anything else is fair game!

Umm... I better write a quick story... yeah.

...

"You know how in Dragon Ball Z, Power levels pretty much determine the fight before it even happens?" Harry asked, leaning forward in his armchair.

"Yeah, it's only like, the biggest flaw in the entire show." Ron muttered, as he scrolled through some twitter feeds on his iPhone. "Voldemort's talking shit about you on twitter again."

"Don't care." Harry said airily. "So, I've been reading all of these awesome fanfics online. I get all these cool powers, the backing of hundreds of magical races, lots of gold, and lots of wives who love me."

"And a best friend that's a Death Eater." Ron said snarkily, as he tapped his iPhone screen, telling Voldemort to shove off. Harry frowned.

"Ron, you'd never betray me. You're like my brother. Don't be a little bitch."

Ron sighed. "I don't like how the fandom portrays me, and honestly, I think they are just using to exploit their fantasies and desires. Power, Love, Respect, things they don't have in real life."

"Well, I suppose you're right." Harry conceded. "But I'm bitching awesome, and there's nothing you can do about that."

Ron rolled his eyes. Harry, for some reason, seemed to be a complete douchebag in this collection of one shots.

"Anyway:" Harry continued. "there is one thing I have noticed in each of these horribly cliched and poorly written stories such as Methods of Rationality, Nightmares of Futures Past, Partially Kissed Hero, and pretty much anything in the library of the Dark Lord Potter forums."

"What, that most of them suck?" Ron asked. For purposes as to not offend fans of any of these (Except Methods and PKH, you guys can just go straight to hell) he deliberatly avoided explaining which of these sucked.

"No." Harry said. "It's just that in each of these, I'm better then everyone else, because the author wants me to be."

"Gee, very realistic." Ron said sarcastically. "And why is that, O Harry the Great?"

"I have come to the conclusion that it is due to my humongous penis." Harry said.

Silence.

"No." Ron said bluntly. "Just no. Why do you think that?"

"You see, Dear Ronald." Harry began. "In each of these bullshit stories, each of these hack authors make talking to women easy, and their bullshit OTP shines through. It is because they imagine me to have a huge penis, I'm sure of it. They focus on almost nothing else. Nothing that they all have in common, anyway."

"Are you really going imagine the world as Perfect Lionheart, a complete fucking sociopath, and Less Wrong, a creepy wannabe cult leader, as why...?"

"What's up?" Hermione said innocently as she sat down next to Harry. "I hope you all are studying."

"You know Hermione." Harry began. "I really wished you looked more like Emma Watson.

Hermione looked like she was slapped in the face. Ron honestly could not blame her.

"Excuse me?" She said.

"Well, in canon, you're only an ordinary girl who likes to read and solve mysteries and beat the shit out of Evil Professors and shit." Harry said, trying to reasonable. "But Emma Watson did that too, and she looked really fucking hot while doing it."

Hermione looked like she was about to explode. Ron decided to intervene before the two would start dueling.

"Hermione, you're annoying and a know it all, but I like you. Don't change. And you," He turned to Harry. "Are being kind of a dick. Cut it out."

"Ron..." Hermione said slowly.

"Are we doing actor allusions now?" Draco asked, as he walked into the tower flanked by the lovely Luna Lovegood. "If so, I would like to point out that Evanna Lynch is really fucking hot."

Luna curtisied.

"I'm honored I was played by such an amazing woman. I hope your film career goes well." She said, dreamily.

"Guys... what the hell are you doing here?" Harry demanded. As this was a parody universe, relationships and other such nonsense do not apply. Right now, Draco and Harry were really tight friends. However, A Slytherin and a Ravenclaw standing in the middle of the Gryffindor Tower was just wrong.

"We were wondering if you guys wanted to participate in a My Immortal adaption." Draco explained.

"Oh, fuck no." Harry snorted. "There's a list of things I hate about Harry Potter fanfiction. People who rip off Tara deserve to die. Come on, guys."

He turned to face the couch were the other two members of his trio were sitting, but they were nowhere near to be found.

"Guys?"

Neville came rushing down the stairs, tripping over his own feet and being a dumbass. He says he can breath fire to impress Evanna Lynch. I can actually breath fire to impress Evanna Lynch. What a douche.

"Don't go upstairs." He gasped, before he collapsed due to lack of oxygen.

Upstairs, a bed was creaking, and moans could be heard.

...

Harry waited in the common room all night, and the next morning...

"Today, Harry." Ron said, with the newfound air of a man who has seen and done great things. "Is a good day. You, my friend who has been with me for so much, are now my brother. And your sister is now a woman. Come, let us drink."

...


	9. War Never Changes

They say War never changes.

It's something I would like to bring up before sharing any of my experiences, or those of the ones I care about. War is brutal, cruel, and traumatizing. It was not a game. The people who lost their lives were real, and now they are gone. Many of which we will never see again.

But the sacrifices, at least of those who believed in Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, more commonly referred to as the Chosen One, were not in vain. Changes are being made by the day to correct problems with our society, whether they involve the inhumane treatment of muggleborns to the rights of Non Human creatures.

These changes are truly progressive, and will perhaps inspire people of all sorts over the globe to change the way they feel about the world, and the people and things they see every day.

Perhaps.

As much good as I am seeing we as a people are accomplishing with what we have left to work with, I find myself wondering, every day: How long will this last?

This leads to more questions such as 'Why are we doing these things?' and 'What do we hope to gain from this?'

Of course, these answers vary from person to person. Some feel as if they make a change, something like this will never happen again. Others feel that as long as they follow the crowd, they will be considered in the right. Still others are thinking, as I have, on what this sudden upheavel of society will result in.

For many years previous, we have had a very strict social system. Muggle borns tradiationally took jobs such as running small businesses and the like. Half bloods, our middle class, often took post of more important work, such as higher ranking jobs at the Ministry. Our highest class, the Purebloods, made everyone under them dance, as they controlled the Government, without having to deal with small time, petty work.

These social structures have been breaking down for years. Muggleborns were allowed more job freedoms, Half bloods became more and more powerful, with several even becoming Prime Minister. And the Purebloods found, to their dismay, that many were beginning to doubt the old mantra of 'Magical Blood is Pure.' Albus Dumbledore's philosophies on the subject in particular had changed the public's train of thought, and the world looked ready for a positive change.

I often attribute the loss of Albus Dumbledore as the leading cause of the fiasco that followed. It only took a month before Voldemort, The Dark Lord, successfully toppled the Ministry and it's various departments like a row of dominoes, which led to the attempted genocite of important members of our society.

This tragic step backward is, I believe, the cause for this recent surge of progressive thinking and advancements. Our leaders wish to see change, many of our people want to see change, and those who don't agree are too tired to fight the tide.

If my theory is true, then doesn't that mean at some point people will stop and ask 'Haven't we paid for our crimes?' For many of them, this isn't about changing the world. It is about restoring the world to what it was before.

It is rather sad, but it is true. People hate change. Many people associate change with men in masks running around, kidnapping members of the population they either don't like or wish to keep quiet.

These are not bad people, by any means. In fact, I believe they make up most of the population. People who don't care what happens to the world, as long as their friends and family stay safe.

Of course, these are not Heroes either.

Whenever I look at a newspaper, I see articles upon articles on the rebuilding effort. 'Goblin family saved from Starvation' and 'Woman hid Muggleborns in basement' to name a few. Whenever I take to the streets, I hear people talking about their experiences during the war.

This greatly disturbs me.

The upset of political balance as made the lower class and the Middle class make a mockery out of the upper class, the Purebloods. I have noticed how many people, particulary those of the younger generation, are talking about how disgusting the Purebloods are, and they committed several crimes.

Purebloods. Not Death Eaters, Not Voldemort's Men. Purebloods. As in, the common consensus among the public is that all Purebloods supported Voldemort and his regime.

It is this that makes me rather wary of the future. Are we really going to judge people by their blood, even if they committed no crimes? That doesn't make us better then they: In fact, it makes us just as bad.

I am friends with a girl who's from an old Pureblood family, and yet she is kind, sweet, tolerant of Muggleborns, and actually butted heads with her mother over the issues. Although I would never admit it to her face, she is one of the people I trust the most in the world. She is also very attractive.

And yet, I have also met scum Muggleborn and Purebloods alike. In fact, one of my least favorite people in the world was a Pureblood who actually supported the Muggleborn cause. It goes to simply show: You can not judge people by their political stance, there are stains on every side. Just because that woman chooses to ally herself with our cause does not make us any less wrong then we were before.

If we are not careful, anyone can come along and say to us, 'If you want a better life, be rid of these people!' We are as capable as of becoming monsters as the Death Eaters were.

We have a chance to make the world a better place. I suggest we take it.

- Quincy Morris


	10. Always

A/N: I'd like your opinion on something before we start today, guys. I've been thinking lately about how amusing it would be if Disney had bought the rights to Harry Potter and made a single animated movie based on the books. I have been thinking lately... well, that would be fun to try and write a fanfic about . A Harry Potter fanfic complete with songs, classic Disney style character derailment, and amusing mythology gags. Of course, I'd imagine such a project would take months of work, perhaps even more if I continue my current work ethic of not writing anything at all.

...

CHAPTER START

...

"What the fuck?" Harry exclaimed, as he looked at his computer monitor. "Bitch! Fuck! Crap!"

"What is it, Harry?" Ron asked lazily, sipping some tea as he sat by the fire.

"Check this out." Harry said furiously, as he picked up his wand from the desktop. He waved it, and Ron's chair lifted several inches off the ground and began floating to Harry. After a few moments, it reached a prime spot next to Harry next to the computer.

"Amazon, huh?" Ron said, as he looked over the site. "What are these things?" He pointed to the small boxes of text, accompanied by one star.

"That, Ron, is what's bothering me." Harry said grimly. "These are the majority of the reviews for The Casual Vacancy."

"The what?" Ron asked, blankly.

"Honestly, Ron. Don't you read?" A familiar voice said from behind him. Hermione walked over to them, book under her arm and bags under her eyes as she looked at Ron frowning. "It's Jo's new book."

"Oh, really?" Ron said in surprise. "I didn't know it was released. Are we in it?"

"Ummm... No." Harry said. "It's set in a Muggle town."

"You see, this guy named Barry Fairbrother dies, and that leaves a spot open on the town council." Hermione explained.

"And then everyone acts like a jackass to try and claim his spot." Harry jumped in helpfully.

Hermione glared at him before looking back to Ron. "Well, that's sort of true, but-"

"Then what's with all of these negative reviews?" Ron asked, as he took Harry's mouse and scrolled through the screen. "Is it really that bad?"

"Goddamit, Ron. Actually read the text." Harry snapped. "Look, people only hate it because it has a conspicious lack of us in it. Also, it's incredibly depressing. Seriously. I'm not kidding."

"To be honest, it's a much more 'artsy' book then HP." Hermione chimed in. "Jo stopped pulling her punches, and it's quite a bit darker then our books."

"Yeah, no more children's storytelling favorites, racism and mass genocide." Ron said sarcastically. "Is it anny good?"

"Ummm..." Hermione looked at Harry Briefly. "well... How should I put this?"

"The book is more about character relationships then an overall arching plot." Harry said. "And it's much better written then Harry Potter, but some people don't like that..."

"That's not a bad thing." Hermione said quickly. "It's just... well, lots of people were expecting something more like Harry Potter and found themselves disappointed. Now they are overlooking the book's good points, of which there are many, in order to compare the book to Jo's Magnum Opus, which is not really a fair or reasonable comparision to make."

"I see." Ron said, slowly, as he looked over the computer screen one last time.

"To be honest, this book is probably the best thing Jo could have done to get out of Harry Potter's success." Harry said. Hermione nodded. "I mean, she can't go on writing about Harry Potter's mid life crisis, or his problems at work or with his wife, or-

"We get it, Harry." Hermione said softly.

"You know..." Ron said, as he turned to Harry and Hermione. "Isn't it kind of sad how she's... abandoning us?"

"Oh, don't say that." Harry said. "No, we'll be in her heart, and the fans hearts, possibly forever. We don't go away easily, you see."

"We'll be friends forever, won't we?" Hermione asked, smiling slightly. She already knew the answer.

Ron took her hand, smiled, and said: "Always."

"Always." Harry repeated. putting his hand on top of his best friends.

"Always." Hermione echoed.


	11. Flash Drives

"You know what I hate, Ron?"

"Flash Drives that go missing, causing several hours worth of work to go missing?"

"Yeah."

…


	12. Harry Potter and The Lovegood Rescue!

"To be fair, Harry." Hermione was saying. "You kind of deserve this." It was like talking to a wall, Hermione thought in frustration. Harry, usually so much more attentive and sweet then even her own boyfriend, was promptly ignoring her.

"I can't believe that girl." He was saying. "I can't believe her. What is she upset for? That I have friends and things to do outside of school?" He reached out and picked a lovely Rose, his fingers caressing the stem. "I've never seen a yellow Rose before. Do you think she'll like it?"

"Yellow Roses symbolise friendship, Harry." Hermione said dully.

"It wouldn't go well with her hair, anyway." Harry said, as if to himself. He made as if to put the flower back, but he quickly turned around and offered it to Hermione instead. "I'm sorry, Hermione. But I'm really stressed right now. I really do appreciate you being here."

Hermione smiled despite herself and took the rose, pinning it to her hair. "It's fine. I can understand how you feel." She found herself recalling the last time she and Ronald had fought. It was about something silly... Ron had taken to reading her books, and had accidently completely lost her page in one.

But these were small spats, really. There was honestly nothing small and Harry's fights with Ginny.

"I don't really get it." Harry repeated, for the hundreth time as he examined the flowers. "She's so hard to understand sometimes. Does white symbolize apologies?"

"I think so." Hermione said, slowly. "But I really don't think you're the one who should be apologizing."

"You think so?" Harry said skeptically. "I felt so terrible after our last fight..." He picked up a Red Rose, sighed, and put it back down.

"You're too nice for your own good." Hermione said. "I think you should just go back and talk to her." She paused. "Or maybe I should go and talk to her. She's my friend too, you know."

Harry shrugged. "If you feel you mus

The bell on the front door rang, and a familiar face stepped through.

"Love is in the air!" Rolf Scamander announced, cheerfully stepping inside. "It's a beautiful day to commit to a beautiful woman!"

He began picking flowers left and right, with no care or deliberation to his movements. The flowers he picked were a variety that did not mesh together at all. Roses and Lilys and Petunias of all different sizes and colors.

"This is going to be the best wedding ever!" Rolf announced,cheerfully disregarding Harry and Hermione, who were standing right there. "I want the whole world to share the happiness of the couple!"

He pranced away,knocking boxes of fertilizer to the ground as he stepped outside.

"Hey! Are you going to pay for all that?" The shopkeeper screamed furiously, as he rushed outside to deal with the thief.

"A wedding? Who's getting married?"

"Tonks and Lupin?" Harry suggested. "Scamander is a big advocate for Werewolf rights."

"They would have told us if they were getting married." Hermione shook her head. "No, I think it must be someone else."

Harry opened his mouth to argue his point, when suddenly, a booming voice exploded, sounding as if it were coming from everywhere.

"Can you all hear me?" A voice inquired. "Excellent! People of Hogsmeade... the event of a lifetime is about to occur! Please, step outside."

Harry looked at Hermione, his previous despair overcome by genuine curiosity. "Rolf?"

"I think it is."

The two friends followed the rest of the customers outside, to find the owner of the shop standing, slack jawed, standing at the spectacle before them.

Before them was a Titantic ship, floating on air, soaring about the clouds.

"Is everyone outside?" Rolf inquired. "Excellent! Hello, people of Hogsmeade! I am the one waving at you right now." He looked about as tall as an ant. I would like to stress how I'm very glad you all could attend this event, and how I hope it will be a memorable occassion, not only for the two of us, but for all of you, and the rest of the world as well."

"The two of us..." Harry murmured. "Hermione! You don't think..."

"You see," Rolf began. "Since I first laid eyes on her, I knew she was special. Something different. Something Unique. And I knew that I could, would, must... know her better then anyone else. It took me several years to work up the courage to actually talk to her, of course... But when I did, I knew I needed her in my life."

"No." Hermione whispered. "He's the one getting married?"

"She is," Rolf continued. "One of the most beautiful, charming, lovely people I've ever met. I honestly feel like the luckiest man alive, right now... But alas, I am not. You see, I long for nothing more to marry her, right here where we stand. But unfortunatly, our Ministry does not allow marriages to take place between minors. So I decided that... well, I deserve better."

"What?" Hermione said, faintly.

"If the Ministry of Magic does not send an official pardon for this ridiculous law, I will personally ensure that each and every person in Hogsmeade will die. Please keep in mind, there are many Hogwarts students about today, and they will likely not survive, due to... you know, me killing them, and all."

Up till now,the crowd had been standing in silence, but at this pronouncement, the crowd began chittering nervously.

"Can he really do that?" Hermione asked, wide eyed.

"I honestlyy don't see how." Harry admitted. "But I don't think he's bluffing, either."

"I repeat, if I am not married shortly, I will strike you all down where you stand." Rolf said. "Oh, you could try and flee, I suppose. Then it would just turn into a kind of game, with me hunting everyone who ran down. I assure you, no matter how far you go, no matter how deep into hiding... I will find you. And I will kill you."

He cleared his throat. "Of course, I really would rather not do that. To be honest, I'm really hoping you enjoy yourselves as much as I am. So... I now pronounce that all food and drink in Hogsmeade are now free for the taking, because what's a party without quality food?"

"He thinks we're actually going to enjoy this?"

"What a monster!"

"Hermione, what do you think the Ministry will do?"

"I don't know." Hermione said. She bit her lip. "They'll talk it over, arrive at a conclusion, and then try and make it happen."

"Oh, and by the way, before we move on to other, happier things... I would like to stress that there is no real time limit. That is to say, as soon as I feel the Ministry is moving too slowly... you die. I'm rather impatient as it is, so tick tock, Ministry people! Your people are in dire need!"

He paused. Harry imagined him to be standing up there, obliviously smiling into his wand, as he looked out over the village.

"Of course, what is a wedding without a lovely bride?" He went on. "It is my great pleasure to introduce today's lucky lady..."

"Mrrrrrrrmph!"

"Luna Lovegood." He said. "Forgive her for not introducing herself, because... she, ah... is a little tied up at the moment."

Hermione's eyes were wide. "Harry! Do you know what this means?"

Harry put on a thoughtful expression. "I didn't realize Luna liked being tied up. That's pretty kinky of her, I wonder if Ginny-"

"She's being kidnapped you dolt!" Hermione snapped. "Forcibly abducted!"

Harry jumped. "What!" He exclaimed. He looked upwards to the ship. "That monster!"

"Yes, yes, yes. I know you are all very happy for us." Rolf went on. "I know you wish to congratulate us in person, but I feel under our present circumstances we have to wait until after I... Consummate this marriage. Ciao!"

The figure turned and walked away.

Harry whirled on Hermione. "We can't let him do this." He declared.

"What..." Her eyes were still wide. She was clearly in shock. "But if he can kill everyone at a moment's notice... surely he won't even let us get close!"

"I guess I'll have to be extra quiet then." Harry said. "Accio Firebolt."

"Harry, please." Hermione said. "Don't go, you're going to get hurt, or worse-"

"Expelled?" Harry said playfully, as his Firebolt zoomed into sight. "I know how terribe expulsion is, Hermione."

"Harry, No! You can't..."

He zoomed off before she could object.

She had to sit down. She felt like she was going to faint.

"Oh Harry..." She moaned. "Please be careful...!"

...

There are romances, and then there are friendships.


	13. Ron and Hermione: Love in Jeopardy!

"Harry!" Ron barged into the room. "J.K. Rowling says that Hermione shouldn't have married me! What should I do!"

Harry strummed his guitar, Fuckslayer. "Ignore her."

And all was well.


	14. The Silkworm

"So, Hermione, what's the Silkworm going to be like?" Harry pressed, leaning across the chair, his hands folded.

Hermione scowled as she lifted the copy of 'The Cuckoo's Calling' to her nose in an attempt to block him off. "How should I know?" She demanded. "I'm not Robert Galbraith."

"What do you think, Ron?"

"Cormoran and Robin better not get together."

"Aw, true dat." They leaned towards each other and gave each other a fist bump. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"At least Robert Galbraith has actual motivation to his stories." Harry murmured, cupping his face in his right hand, taking on a thoughtful pose. "Unlike a certain someone who can't get over the fact that he lost his flashdrive with all of his fanfiction on it in highschool, causing him to lose tens of thousands of words of work."

"Instead of talking to girls." Ron added. "What a loser."

"Enough of these ridiculous fourth wall jokes!" Hermione snapped. "I'm trying to read."

"You better loan me that copy after you're done, Hermione." Harry warned her. "I need to catch up on my boy Cormoran."

"Your 'boy?" She sniffed. "Who do you think you are?"

"Cormoran is such a studly guy, though." Ron pointed out. "I mean, he fucked a super model."

"Not hard to do, I'm sure." Hermione sniffed. "And looks aren't everything, you know."

"Even Robin was impressed." Harry recalled. "Imagine going out, fucking some random chick, and then coming home and have your wife congratulate you."

"That would be pretty cool."

Hermione huffed.

"Where are you now, Hermione?" Harry asked, leaning back in his chair.

"He's meeting with the driver of her car."

"The actor?"

She nodded.

"It's kind of sad." Harry reflected, looking upon the book fondly. "Seeing Lula Landry struggle with the people in her life just because of her fame... well..." He cleared his throat, seeing Hermione's raised eyebrow. "It just made me... really appreciate you guys, is all."

Silence.

"Harry, that was really bad timing." Hermione chided. "If you want to be sweet, you have to wait until the mood is right. You can't just randomly declare yourself to be..."

"Oh, leave him be, Hermione."

They sat in silence for a bit longer.

"I really, really hope Cormoran and Robin don't get together." Harry repeated.

"Yeah."

"What will happen, do you think?" He asked Hermione. "in the next book."

"Well, I haven't read the sypnosis yet..."

"Neither have we!"

"But I imagine Deeby Mac is going to make a comeback."

"Yeah, Strike never met him, did he?" Ron said. "Maybe it will have something to do with the street life, rather than the focus on the upper class that the first book did?"

"Silk impies finery." Harry reminded him. "In ancient China, silkworms were used to craft fine materials. I don't think Jo-" He caught himself, just in time. "Our mysterious, faceless author Galbraith doesn't seem too interested in moving away from telling his stories about the fabulously wealthy. So..."

"I'm with Harry." Hermione spoke up. "I think we'll learn more about Strike's past. As much as I like Robin, I really hope she doesn't have some sort of ridicilously dark and convoluted backstory."

"Galbraith didn't write 'Men Who Hate Women', Hermione." Harry reminded her. "I'm sure Robin's just as sweet and innocent as she appears..."

"But Matt is a dick!"

"Even though her fiancee' is a dick, I don't think she'll move past her role as a minor supporting protagonist with one or two POV scenes."

"Good." Hermione sniffed. She returned to the book.

"I wonder if this book will catapault Galbraith to the top?"

"Nah." Harry said, shaking his head. "We shouldn't worry about that sort of thing. We all love Galbraith's work, right? Well... we should continue to enjoy it. On our own terms. Who cares if people whine and bitch about things that don't matter? In the end... we'll enjoy our book just the same."

He raised his glass of butter.

"To Cormoran Strike." He declared.

Hermione gave a soft smile, setting aside her book to reach for her own. Ron quickly followed suit.

"To Cormoran Strike." They echoed.

They drank. The book couldn't see release soon enough.


End file.
